Mismatched sex drives?

Me and my wife are struggling right now with our mismatched sex drive. I am in your seat where I want to connect at least once a week and she says she could go for months without it. It has been so hard for us. There has been countless arguments and hurt that have occurred over our marriage of 17 years.

I am trying to focus my attention to just making days good and not pressure her for sex right now. She knows I want it from her but the pressure put on the spouse that wants it less does the absolute opposite of making them want it more! It is such a hard concept for the person who just wants to connect with their spouse and feel loved.

My need for sex is a greater need of feeling accepted and loved that has nothing to do with sex. This is a very hard reality to swallow when faced with temptations this world gives us.

I pray for your strength through this and know that your sacrificial love to your husband will create a change for the better in your marriage...as hard as it is at times!!

 

As a female it really hits us hard when men turn us down and have a lower sex drive. Society teachers us that men want it all the time and women don’t. I have been in your situation. I left my ex who was a PMO addict. He did stop I think but had very little drive. It was always me initiating. He would not turn me down, he was just never into it and he would say his drive is just low, his back hurts, he’s tired. Funny thing is when he was PMO he would be oing daily so where did that drive go? I wish I had an answer for you, I don’t thats part of why I left.

 

He is correct in the sense that PMO is about coping, and it’s just like another drug. BUT what I felt like was that the porn fueled his sex drive. In my case when my ex was PMOing he was more interested in sex with me. So I was like wait you were thinking about the porn when we were having sex (he was), but now that you don’t have that you also don’t want me? I know addicts can go through a longer flat line sometimes, where their drive is resetting itself. But in my exes case it was 6 months and it had not changed. I also think part of it was that my ex had bad DE, and so he started to associate having sex with failure, and avoided it. He also harbored a lot of anger towards me that was misplaced. He felt like it was my fault for discovering his addiction, and calling him on it, rather than his fault for actually doing it. Anger kills libido. So in cases where the addict is not fully ready and still blaming others, it can kill the drive. Finally, I realized that when there is 7 year age gap with the man being older, that the sex drive dynamic we are speaking of happens in almost all cases, whether the man is a PMO addict or not. I think that’s a big lie that society has taught us, fueled by men who do not want to accept that sex beyond 45 is much different than sex at 35. If you are in the same age range, it usually is not so bad, but if the man is older and the woman is younger she is more likely to be sex starved.

 

I could of course be wrong, but my gut feelings is: he has intimacy issues.
I have intimacy issues, which make it that sometimes even though I am interested in having sex, I find it painful to go through the process of connecting with my wife on a sexual level, so I prefer to just not do anything.
In my case, intimacy issues stem from childhood, and I have some ideas what caused them, and how to overcome them. I have made a lot of progress. It is really tough though. And really maddening.

 

This makes a lot of sense and I think many addicts struggle with this stuff. Another incorrect assumption often made is that a mans sex drive is not effected by emotions or feelings which is not true.

 

I feel all this GG2002, I am still trying to be patient as we are in a period of a lot of upheaval, only been living together 8 weeks (which has obviously brought his PMO habit to a complete halt, though I think there is a likelihood he relapsed at least twice when he went to stay at his own place for the weekend to tidy up the lose ends there) but I am already trying to plan to go away for a holiday to try and rekindle our relationship when really by that I mean go to a resort not have sex and pay for the privilege of feeling dreadful about myself. Uuuurgh it’s awful. I can’t think straight at the minute and every night going to bed is getting increasingly frustrating.

 

Why is this so universally true!?!?!? why is it so hard for the lower desire to partner to empathize and energetically put out?? we're talking sex here, not a root canal. Don't we all do this sort of thing all the time in life? I don't wanna go to work everyday - but it's what I do for myself, my wife, my family - and going there acting all pissy because "i have to" is immature. ditto for cleaning up around the house. doing dishes. I vacuum to help out my empty-nest, stay at home wife - but I don't do it half-assed or with no gusto. we all do things that aren't our preference. but we do them - and not grudgingly - because it's good for us and our families. Why is sex so bloody different??? this is an epidemic problem, so there must be much more going on...

and where's the freakin' empathy??

great observation @pivotm6 ! it's good to dig a bit and realize what the more fundamental motivations are. I totally relate and have the same thing going on.

 

IMO - There are two reasons. 1 - PMO or other reason their sexual energy is going to someone/something else. Or 2 - Because they aren't emotionally connected. They aren't getting what they need on a non-physical level.

 

In a non pmo relationship the answer to this question is different than in one involving pmo. But I agree with you that unless it’s physically painful you should have sex if your partner wants to. Now one has to be reasonable of course in their requests for sex but I think people both men and women who turn their spouses down are doing the relationship a disservice. For women it often stems from a partner who only pays attention to her when he wants sex. Who is selfis in bed, or is just bad in bed and won’t listen to direction or she’s too shy that give them. For men I think many want to be the iniator and feel like less of a man when she initiates or maybe he has performance issues. At some point having sex the thought of it has become so unpleasant it is like a root canal.

Now in a pmo relationship which is what I commented on my partner did not have a low drive he just used porn instead of having sex with me that’s totally different. And addicts don’t empathize.

 

This applied (?applies?) to me and my wife.

 

I can only speak for myself . When I was /am feeling things were “off” or unsafe to let my guard down , my skin would crawl when he touched me . It was gropey for the last 2 years prior to DDAY . The hugging stopped the holding hands stopped . The groping would happen at the wierdest Times ( now I know he was having P flashbacks. Makes total sense ) now over a year after No PMO , we are holding hands , hugging often and I’m getting the physical touch in all ways throughout the day . He is the man I married and fell in love with .
Back then , umm no I wouldn’t be at his beck and call and shouldn’t have been expected to . I think GG was on point saying you can’t compare a non PMO. relationship to one that is full of it . Why would I be ok being a hole if he wasn’t ok being the man I fell in love with . We have spidey senses

 

A 48 year old man apparently takes about ten days to recover from o.

 

El

elaborate plz

 

Yes please...(as I will be 48 in 6 years - and I'm curious what you are saying)

 

Not sure what you are saying but I’ve dated men that age and that was not true.

 

Reference to this thread

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...n-ejaculation-and-its-effects-on-health.3819/

 

Oh this again. I respect your right to believe it, but I think it’s complete bs. I thought maybe there was something new or different on the topic. Thanks.