Can't discipline myself, how can I ignore my feelings?

I don't wanna learn something for university because it does not feel "good". I don't wanna learn a skill because it doesn't not feel "good". I don't wanna continue NoFap because it does not feel "good". Everything besides laying in my bed and looking at my smartphone does not feel "good". I step out of my comfort zone, literal "comfort" zone.

I have to do stuff in order to improve myself. But I don't wanna because it doesn't feel "good". So I give up, PMO and do nothing.

Whay can I do to "ignore" this feeling and to do stuff? As you can probably see I am an emotionally bounded person, life needs to feel "good", and that's my problem. How can I start to act purely rationally and completely ignore my feelings?

 

I find this an interesting way to look at this, that I NEED to feel good, and thus avoid long-term gratification and favor short-term gratification. You tell me to feel my emotions more, so to do basically some sort of self-reflection? I mean, I don't know what I want to become in life, I am interested in many things, I would like to learn many things and to try some things out, but what's holding me back is anxiety that I will have too much responsibility on my shoulders (when trying new things out, like some sort of business), and that skills will not be mastered over night, so that I will end up forcing myself to learn every day.

Regarding the skills/generally learning for university, it's a feeling behind my eyes which holds me back, sounds weird but that's the case. It's an instant button which makes me "tired" and "unmotivated". I would think, subconsciously, "nah, for what's sake should I learn that, I can also chill on my bed and PMO at night". It feels like your face is paralyzed, you just feel paralyzed because you can't bare not being under the blanket where it's warm and nice. No, you have to sit on a chair, you can't feel warm and nice. You enter a world that's not warm and nice anymore, it's a world where it's cold. It's a world which forbids you to have fun and to chill, and I simply "rebel" against it.

Sounds stupid, but that's the best self-reflection I can do now

See, I am also at university, but I take classes because that's the subject I am good at. I have no perspective on future, I don't know what I should become, what career I should have. But you know why it's so? Not because "I didn't find my passion", I know what my passions are (but nevertheless due to long-term circumstances (4 years) they went on "standby-mode", tl;dr: oneitis sucks). I am simply not mature enough.... or am I? Dude, now I see that I might not really have a maturity problem. Maybe a little bit. I don't see myself as an adult, because I find it hard to take any kind of responsibility, I don't feel like I have the chance to be a man at all. This is also why I secretly wish I could move out and try to make my own life, just because this would kick me in my ass (alternative: going to the army).

Maybe it's an unsolved problem, if you would read some threads which I made some time ago, you will see that I suffered from depression and OCD because of oneitis and further crushes. These experiences combined destroyed my former passions, literally from one day to another I became another person, I remember realizing that my inner balance was gone and that I can't find it back. I saw that I was becoming another person. I loved physics, maths, astronomy, computer science, I had so many interests and I engaged in them a lot, but once oneitis came, it simply has f*cked me up, up to this day.

I still have feelings to her, I mean she was my first big love, but I don't think about her anymore. I can say that I have become okay with that, but as I said, due to these circumstances I've lost the ability to develop crushes at all because I am simply too scared of them, and I've lost my passions, the "burning fire" is gone. All I have inside my soul are old relicts (= memories and skills) from a "better time", it's like going to the museum and feeling nostalgic about some things

It's kind of like having constant Anhedonia

 

Thoughts over feelings, my friend.

There are always multiple ways of looking at things:

One is a logical way(Logical analysis), and the other is an emotional way(Feelings, etc).

The problem is, we people have difficulty understanding which "way" we should be looking at things, and often end up looking at things the wrong way.

For example: Waiting to feel good so you can study or trying to logically analyze why something didn't work out with a girl (While neglecting the emotional part completely).

You're not alone, I have this problem too.

We just need to make sure we look at things the right way, that's all

Good Luck!

 

Yeah but this kind of platonic thinking is very difficult to master. I would do something only if I either feel some sort of passion towards it (as it used to be to e.g. astronomy, but now not anymore because bad life events in the past) or if I really need to have it done (e.g. in 2 days I will have a test, so I must learn - this was always the case to me, I've used to learn only near the deadline).

I would firstly regain my ability to feel joy and passion in my life, this is something I've forgotten to write here about but even if I would feel some joy (not pleasure, but true joy) and passion towards some topics like astronomy again, my situation would be better because I would like to do something and to plan my future in some sort of way. Now, without any feelings of joy and passion, I don't know what I want to achieve in life, I don't even know what to do as a hobby in my spare time.

As I said, bad life experiences caused it, oneitis and crushes can cause depression and OCD, these events and my mental issues caused me to have an inability of feeling joy and passion, simply because my inner balance was destroyed and I was simply bothered by a large amount of negative emotions.

Now, I don't care about my oneitis and crushes, it was 4 years ago, I have some sort of inner balance again (it's crazy to imagine that I needed four years to regain it) but nevertheless my joy and passion is still gone. I mostly feel "xanaxy", neither joyful nor bad, just like there would be no emotion. And if I come to feel an emotion, then it's mostly only a bad one. I very rarely feel a good emotion.

And this is what I don't want to have anymore in the first place. My life seems kind of grey to me, with some small dark clouds now and then. Someone would say that it's depression, but I do not feel sad or suicidal, I just feel "nothing" and if I come to feel something it's mostly something negative. This is why I describe that as "anhedonia", and not depression.

I don't understand the deep psychological issues of that, but I guess that maybe my past events simply made me a very "emotionally closing" person. I won't allow "strong" emotions anymore because they can be dangerous. The emotion of having a crush is probably one of the best feelings in the world, and because it can - if I get rejected - lead to deep sadness, I am closing myself internally from all potential "strong" emotions. And because my subconscious don't differ from different forms of "strong" emotions (crush - passion - humor - etc.), it automatically closes up myself from all "strong" emotions.

That's my theory why I am experiencing anhedonia/no emotions and if then mostly negative emotions. I would need some exercises to open up myself for emotions. But how can I do that?

If this step is completed, I will try to develop a disciplined mindset regarding other things. But nevertheless, I will still be trying NoFap as best as I can

 

My personal experience with my emotion and desire is that EVERY emotions are a call to action ( to change something )
And you cant fight against your desire , you need to CHANGE them.

It is what you associate to pain and pleasure that will influence your behavior.

When i say ''associate'' its mean that it is not ''what is '' but what you '' perceive '' .
For exemple you can link ''sport'' to pleasure or pain.

Sport can give you physical pain , so why do people still train everyday ?

Lets take the most basic exemple : Lets say for exemple that you have a Homework to do , and you procrastinate until the last minute. What happen in the last minute ? i would say that in that last minute the ''pain'' of not finishing this work was for you greater than the pain of doing it.

How can we change your association to pain and pleasure ?

You have to change your perception , your Thoughts about it. ( like a belief , and it will give you reason to do it)
and associate emotionaly pain from not doing it and pleasure from doing it.

NLP have some tools for that , visualisation , or you can ''search'' for information and study , or even better go see by yourself in real life the consequence of drugs. You need to have an experience and deeply associate it with pain or pleasure

I recently watch an interview of a gold medalist , and when she wanted to give up. Her mother would say ''YES you can but not today'' and then she would add you can give up after a good day.
I found that to be a really good tips , especially the ''yes'' part.

 

As far as I know this is also Stoic thinking

I agree with that, but I do not look after how to interpret my emotions, but rather what emotions do I want to feel. Having a crush can also be taken negatively, I've done that. But it can be taken positively, I've done that too.

What I just want is to feel something other than anger or sadness (or "nothing" aka "the feeling you have if you are on Xan*x"). I want to feel having a crush again, I want to feel having a passion for something again. I can interpret it as I want to. If something negative happens to me, I try to stay optimistic and see it "as a lection" or "as a challenge". Of course it works, it is a great mind hack, but I miss feeling the magic of joy, love and passion.

 

I think that your emotion is just ''feeling about your interpretation of the reality ''

And if you want to ''CHANGE'' you should listen to them.
But we are human and you ''interpretation'' might not be correct or help you to accomplish what you want.
Someone could be really SAD about something , and someone else could have positive emotion about it. ( i could be in your position and feel Positive !!! i could have empathy instead of anger , and be enthousiaste instead of sad )

For me it's like the exemple you give us , between ''problem'' and ''challenge''
How you Think about something can alter how you FEEL.

When i say ''how you think'' , i'am not talking about ''how you think , you think'' ...
If you know a little about BELIEFS its this cense of certitude , certainty that something is TRUE that i'am talking about.

Also we need to take into consideration that your unconscious mind have a huge impact in your behavior ( more than 80% )
and this is why i talk a lot about ''link pleasure and pain'' because your brain try to avoid your perception of pain.

And a bad interpretation will not give you the right ''state'' to be happy.

And when you say that you just want to know ''how to change your emotion '' i feel a little trap.
Because for me its a process and i think it help to REALLY know what your emotion try to tell you. Because it can change your interpretation : I'am hungry about myself because ... and its ok to be angry but when you know WHY you are angry you can ACT or search an other perception that will no longer leave you ANGRY.

i know that i give a lot of ''idea' and not actual ''action'' ... if in your unconscious mind you don't have the right association , i could give you ''some specific '' action but will you have the discipline and be happy doing it ?

like other people say , you have to ''link'' to long term pleasure (and to avoid pain !!!) !! and for me long term pleasure ALSO equal actual pleasure. ( i think this is a good tips ). But you need Strong BELIEFS ! ( or pleasure and pain association ?)

 

I really appreciate your help, but I can't begin anything with your advice. I am really really sorry to say that it hurts me to tell you that, but it just seems like you didn't get me - which is okay, really, I don't expect it from anyone.

I am not talking about this long-term pleasure thing anymore, I am not talking about discipline anymore. Forget that, I realized during the last days that my main problem is my lack of positive emotions and not discipline.

All I want is just to feel passion, joy and love again. If you can't understand my point of view, feel free to read my last posts here. I don't know if you have read them, but I have explained my whole situation here precisely.

 

Thank you very much for this honesty.

I have 2 idea that came up in my mind when i read your comment.

First its BELIEF , the more you ''say'' to yourself that you don't feel emotions the more it will influence you.
It might not be the ''cause'' but i think its a pretty nice thing to notice. Because it have an influence on you.

The second things that came up in my mind is neuro-association from Tony robbins book. (awaken the giant within )
maybe your brain made up ''false association'' with emotion. ( what happen 4 year ago ? )
or even worse no matter what you do you feel that you're going to have pain.

Also i remember a time feeling that ''nothing'' really matter. I got no positive emotion , it was like i was ''empty'' .
I remember that during that time my uncle force me to go to the beach. And we would do some body board. (even if i never done it before ). This experience make me feel alive ( i just relate to what happen to me , make your own conclusion )

What action can you do ? i propose you some exercice.

Change your physiologie :
- Smile in face of a miror as long as you want and as much as you can for 30 day. ( 1minute or 1min30 i would say . 5 times each day. Thats only 5 minute !!!! Be clear and decide were and when you want to do this exercice.)

Notice how you breath.
Notice if your head is up or down ( when your head is down you are more likely to feel bad )


are you willing to try this ?