Missed opportunities

This is an exceedingly important discussion... I posted before but didn't get much response which is ok.

What stops you from living the life you want? Other than you. We already know that. But I mean, specifically.
A big one for me is fear of judgement. I've used alcohal more than once to help dull that voice but I want to learn how to do it straight.
I want to be able to see a girl in starbucks, say hi and proceed without wondering "is she going to wonder why is this dude talking to me is she going to think this guy isn't good looking this guy isn't funny this guy isn't this this guy isn't that"
For some background, I've dated many girls I've met online, or at bars, but this method has eluded me. I can't master the Cold approach due to fear.

An instructor places a board on flat ground in the rain. 8 feet by 1 foot. Tells his student to walk on it and keep his balance. Student does it effortlessly. The instructor then hikes with the student up a mountain. Puts a 7 ft by 2 foot board between two mountains. Says "walk across it. It's actually shorter and wider than the last one. It should be easier. "

It's not good enough for me to be able to say I don't have a problem meeting a girl at a bar. I need to be comfortable in all situations.

Let's tackle fear guys.

 

this reminds me of what my basketball coach used to say before a big game

he would point at our practice court and ask us, "how big is this court? is it any bigger than the court you'll be playing on tomorrow? is the basket any taller? is the hoop bigger? no, it's not"

and he was right, everything was the same. so why were we nervous? what were we afraid of? what was so different? it's crazy how significant the environment can influence our performance

 

There's also stuff like amateurs practise until they get it right. Pros practise until they get get it wrong.

I'm not a fan of exposure therapy. Repeating something has never made me less scared. I seem to relive the fear each time.
It's about the art of not being afraid in the first place, since there's nothing to be afraid of.

 

Fear is a huge problem with me, even at my age.

I have been a porn addict since age 11 so that means I have spent my whole adult life with a messed up head in regards to women. I almost married several years ago but that got all F'd up due to my porn addiction. Been so scared about making that mistake again that I've been avoiding women all together.

I want badly to get married and have a healthy marital relationship with a nice lady but too scared to try since I've not kicked porn. I have no idea how to properly have a relationship with a woman which I know is incredibly sad and pathetic especially considering how old I am. But that's how much porn has screwed me up.

So to answer the question: What stops me from living the life I want? I'm scared that I will screw things up badly because of my skewed perspective of women and life in general. I'm working on getting out of porn addiction but I know I've got a LONG way to go. So for now I avoid women because it wouldn't be fair to her to be with a guy like me right now. It's frustrating because I want to be a good man it's just been so hard to break free. I'm going to keep trying.

 

Well mr. 39 years, some advice that's helped me. I had and have my own issues... I won't go into details.

One of my biggest mistakes was I always decided for a girl that I wasn't good enough for her. I never let her decide. Before she ever said nope, this guy isn't good enough for me, I already told myself that I wasn't good enough for her and didn't even god damn give her an option to say no.
That was my biggest regret in life. Decided for them.
There have been times... Many times... Where i managed to forget who I was and Allow myself to be who I wanted to be. Those were the times I actually felt Alive.

The world is yours, if you're willing to take it.

 

I am lately taking things exceedingly personal lately.

Someone I know went to a sex club with someone else. She knew I was dying to go. But always declined.

It's her choice who she goes with. I get it, the circumstances just happened to be so... But I'm so hurt. I don't know why I take things so personally.