How to open myself up emotionally? How to allow emotions to happen?

I simply feel nothing, neither joy or bad emotions. But if I come to feel emotions, it's mainly only about bad emotions, like anger or sadness. I very rarely feel joy or other emotions.

Bad life experiences caused it, oneitis and crushes can cause depression and OCD, these events and my mental issues caused me to have an inability of feeling joy and passion, simply because my inner balance was destroyed and I was simply bothered by a large amount of negative emotions.

Now, I don't care about my oneitis and crushes, it was 4 years ago, I have some sort of inner balance again (it's crazy to imagine that I needed four years to regain it) but nevertheless my joy and passion is still gone. I mostly feel "xanaxy", neither joyful nor bad, just like there would be no emotion. And if I come to feel an emotion, then it's mostly only a bad one. I very rarely feel a good emotion.

And this is what I don't want to have anymore in the first place. My life seems kind of grey to me, with some small dark clouds now and then. Someone would say that it's depression, but I do not feel sad or suicidal, I just feel "nothing" and if I come to feel something it's mostly something negative. This is why I describe that as "anhedonia", and not depression.

I don't understand the deep psychological issues of that, but I guess that maybe my past events simply made me a very "emotionally closing" person. I won't allow "strong" emotions anymore because they can be dangerous. The emotion of having a crush is probably one of the best feelings in the world, and because it can - if I get rejected - lead to deep sadness, I am closing myself internally from all potential "strong" emotions. And because my subconscious don't differ from different forms of "strong" emotions (crush - passion - humor - etc.), it automatically closes up myself from all "strong" emotions.

That's my theory why I am experiencing anhedonia/no emotions and if then mostly negative emotions. I would need some exercises to open up myself for emotions. But how can I do that?

Are there any exercises to open myself up for emotions, for feeling them?

 

I tried some sort of "meditation" in the last time, meaning trying to feel as best as I can and to allow myself some emotions.

What I've discovered was deep sadness and dissatisfaction. I know what my passions are but I still don't know how to make a living out of it. The worst part is that I am attending now university, and the subject is in complete opposite of what I've used to love and still actually love.

I really feel depressed because of that