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Am i feeding into the addiction?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Quibbles413, Feb 20, 2018.

  1. Quibbles413

    Quibbles413 Fapstronaut

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    While i know its normal to have relations with my partner, we've recently started talking about his issues with PMO. I know what kind of things he liked to watch, for example without getting too detailed, he likes stockings. So am i making it harder for him to quit if we use those same things together? I asked him the same thing but i feel like i didnt get a completely honest answer.
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    For a long time I thought I was a trigger , costumes etc so I understand your question ! But I guess it could have been the chaser affect TBH knowing what I know now , it should have brought him to me more , not less , not to then seek out P . But his brain was sooo effed up. If he wants to truly quit then he will
     
  3. Quibbles413

    Quibbles413 Fapstronaut

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    Well he introduced all these new things (new to me) when we first started dating, but he has been a PA since before we met. So it makes me feel like im just the real deal fantasy which makes me feel uneasy. Can he still quit if we have this?
     
  4. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    I'm a male with quite a few fetishes, most of which predate my porn use. Just so you know where I'm coming from, I have no problem with my fetishes, and I'm not trying to lose them. If one or two things turn out to be porn-induced and I forget them, fine. But I know most of my fetishes will stay. I just need to find female partners who are okay with them, which isn't that hard.

    It may be that your partner's interest in stockings is porn induced. I don't know. But if it is, then I think it'll disappear if he gives up porn and reboots. If it doesn't go away then I guess it's a deeper part of his sexuality, not caused by porn. Like my fetishes. He ought to have some insight into whether he's like me or whether it's porn induced.

    I'd definitely find it harder if you were to ban stockings just to help me get over porn. The way I think is that stockings aren't the problem, porn is. If he's like me, trying to give up the fetish might well be too hard and denying it might help drive me back to porn.

    This also depends on you, of course, and your attitude to his sexual fetishes. If you don't like the stockings thing, then this could be a difficult issue to resolve with him. If on the other hand you're okay with it, or even can get into it on some level, then you could find it's really helpful. Using his fetish can be a very effective way of helping him focus on you and on sex with you, and really driving it home to him how much better it is with you rather than on screen.

    As I say, I think helping him give up porn is the key thing. If he can, and if his fetish is porn induced, then I think it will reduce in intensity at least. I don't think you are inducing his fetish or feeding his porn habit by indulging his fetish.
     
    Quibbles413 likes this.
  5. Quibbles413

    Quibbles413 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much for your feedback about it. You made a lot of sense, and no i have no problems with the stockings so now I'm hoping itll be more helpful than what i was thinking before.
     
  6. In my opinion if this fetish created from porn then you must don't wear stocking. You must let his brain clear from old thoughts from porn. Let him searching you from the start.
     
    Peace Seeker and Quibbles413 like this.
  7. Loveless

    Loveless Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to agree with what @ukbritishbloke wrote here. The most important thing is for your SO to work on his relationship with you, and get away from an unhealthy relationship to porn. The issue of fetishes can definitely make this complicated to think through. My SO has a fetish that is thoroughly wired into his brain. He discovered it through porn, but it exists deep within. My SO knows that other fetish porn that he looked at was the result of the escalation of his porn addiction. These things were not real fetishes that are part of his sexual make up. (He called them "fascinations" but they were not fetishes.)

    My SO has deep shame around his fetish and hid it from me for the entirety of our marriage. When I discovered it, I was both shocked and hurt that he could hide something that was so important to him and isolate it to his porn use. I told him I was up for exploring the fetish irl, and he was nervous about it, but we have been able to explore it together since. He even said, I wish we had been doing this since we met, it might have saved me from years of hang-ups and shame and porn obsession. My SO is different from yours in that he tried to maintain a rigid boundary between his porn and real life. But just because you are willing to explore a fetish that is represented in porn (and what fetish isn't, really) does not necessarily mean that you are increasing his dependency on porn. Getting rid of the fetish is not possible. Trying to get rid of it will not work. Getting rid of the porn is possible. I wish you and your SO success with this.
     
  8. Quibbles413

    Quibbles413 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your thoughts. I just want to state that in the begining i didnt know how bad is PA was. I honestly didnt even know about PA so he didn't try to corporate the fetish into our bed room but i did, in hopes maybe i just wasent giving him all he needed. As of recently though finding out how bad his addiction was brought all these questions into my head. But over all im good with his fetishes i just want to be on the same page as far as helping him.
     

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