30 DAYS WOOO

Thanks Bro ! (if you are a bro haha can't tell on here) But yeah it's great. Don't know how severe your case was /how long you've gone for but they get better and the underlying healing that occurs grows and grows. So keep at it and connect with others. That's the key

 

DAY 67
DAY 5 OF WEEK 9
So today I had the most stress full day and ironically from it I realised one of my biggest character defects which is lying. When I was a kid I never lied. Always told the truth because I believed it was right for whatever reason I forget. One day we were walking down, me and my mum, down the drive way and something happened where I did something and she looked at me and asked whether I had done it or my sister. My sister being a bipolar schizophrenic. . I saw that I could lie and I told my mother Yes ... my sister had done it. In that moment I found a way to avoid the consequence by lieing and ever since have been using lying to avoid and deflect the consequences of my actions. I do it at work, in relationships, with mentors and especially with people expecting something of me and in positions of power. When people haven't "caught me out " I continue to use up my life lines until eventually they give up because I don't give a fuck. It's a reflex reaction that I use to avoid the consequences of my actions. To avoid the sting of rejection, or pain of feeling what I have done. There's a lot more to it but interest experience.

Also... had a lot of anxiety today. Felt a tension in-between my belly and my diaphragm of tension where it restricting my breathing and made me lack air. Breathing more heavy because I felt I haven't had enough oxygen. Then combined with that started thinking if I looked like a creep and if my face was tense if my eyes looked creepy, the anxious thoughts just kept tumbling down.

When I woke up I didn't have that happiness I had before so it was interesting to note. I knew it was going to be a rough day from the moment I woke up.

Right now I am going to make some food maybe and do some questions maybe. Many things happened today e.g stress of work, withdrawals, realisations, "bad" interactions with people but overall it was progress. Going to the meditation retreat tomorrow for the weekend. Going to make amends with the people I wronged through my character defect - which is lying to get around the consequence.

 

DAY 69
DAY 7 OF WEEK 9
Meditation retreat was great. It was interesting tose the tug of war between my ego, my narrative try to question the experience I was having. Weirdly it was like no meditation and all activities including listening activities where I had to talk and listen to people share their problems.

Basically, connected with a lot of people on a deep level. And also slightly creeped the fuck out of people because I kinda become too attached the experiences I am having because letting go would deepen them and then because I'm scared I become anxious and then " look creepy " (in my opinion) although I think that it's a projection. Either way point of the story is I am becoming attached constantly to this new emotional being..

Had a wet dream on the retreat, very transgressive but this time - being conscious at the time of the ejaculation - I kept my seed in. My mood fluctuated towards the end and right now I am writing this at the end of the day (feeling demotivated, tired etc .) but on a positive note, the whole place was 99% girls and I had amazing connections with them. Learn't how to connect more to women I feel and did not objectify them at all. One girl we got speaking and had an hour chat felt and we really had a genuine connection, so much she told everyone there and she asked for my number to chat more about addictions (main topic we were talking about as she is addicted to painkillers). She opened up in ways she said she had not in a long time. It was great. I could see us getting into a relationship together, even though she lives so far away, if we met up again.

Had another conversation with the guy in my room for like 10 hours all up. So deep and flowed so well.

Like I said, I am able to flow a lot better now; it's merely a process of learning to let go and allow the experience to go deeper and deeper. I think as I recover more and more I will learn to let go and accept this apart of my everyday existence. The teacher at the retreat is also going to keep me accountable for going after my passions. We had a great talk too and she asked to stay in contact.

Still feel anxious and at times can fluctuate to a desensitised state, but overall flow better, am more emotional and am starting to feel like I need to give up my shitty 9-5 job and start going after what I love to do.

Note: Will add to that the never ending energy of nofap has literally not been around for 3 weeks. Most days feel like I cbf to do stuff ESPECIALLY gym. But whatever I've learn't not to care about that and take life as it comes.

 

DAY 72
DAY 3 OF WEEK 10
Posted yesterday but for some reason my computer fucked up and I can't see it. Anyway learn to let go. Today was great, woke up feeling happy but also remembering the craving I had yesterday. I arrived late to work because I was stuck in fantasy.

Then there was some shame based anxiety/low self esteem following but it went away as all things pass. The rest of my day was quite good - standard emotional availability. Would say my voice was at times quite deep and my interactions a bit better. Can see when I create nervousness and put myself in my head as a clear distinction. Looking forward to seeing the self doubt, ego identification fade away more and more with recovery.

My fantasies too are that of sex workers. Porn is very subpar to the stimulation I want from a sex worker, which goes to show where my life can head down if I don't tackle this addiction. Even after 72 the cravings are there.. Although not everyday.. They come and go. When the come too there is a lot of emotional fuel to back it up and its quite hard not fixate on it other than when I am being active, working my program, creating something etc.

Girls at work are responding differently to me. My manager even was like trying to say goodbye to me and purposely looking/trying to make eye contact with me as I left. Even my roommate said he felt compelled to talk to me and even the people at my work all come to me for advice. Guess there is something energetically going on. Even a girl I used to find so attractive messaged me and we had a small talk/banter which was interesting. Just don't give a fuck I guess? Much calmer. Just overall more of that unconscious healing that I was referring to at the beginning of this thread.

My passion to go towards my career has deepened and am looking forward to taking action towards that. I was also watching a video online from Gabrielle (not sure what his youtube name is). He's fucking hilarious full on spits in his videos and shit, just a real motherfucker and an actual practitioner of nofap/semen retention. He spoke on dating advice and talked about not wasting your seed on just a basic bitch and going for the first person that's into you. And that is very true. When you are doing this you start developing an attractive personality and people recognise that. However you don't want to get caught out on getting whipped on someone because they like you. It's hard especially when your so sexually starved and for me I have been sexually starved for two and a half years and years before that. But I definitely am cultivating higher standards for myself than any chick that comes across my path.

Another instance occurred today with a girl starting a conversation w/me. Don't feel like I need sex or sexual favours etc. Objectifying women much less and having emotional connections. Going to my meditation retreat helped big time in developing emotional connections with women. Might go again in the coming weeks.

 

DAY 73
DAY 4 OF WEEK 10
Today was okay, felt withdrawals but I guess due to all the progress I've made they don't seem as severe. Some mild facial tension, stress and desensitisation but nothing serious.Making progress. Less and less attached to the days and progress as of recent. However it can make it more dangerous as I start to feel like my addiction doesn't have me by a thread - it can make me over confident.

Fantasies come and go. It's hard when I'm in them, maybe even harder because to let my fantasies pass I am basically accepting I will never act out again and just conceiving that recently was shocking that I will never be with another sex worker, never watch another porn video again and never see what the ends of my addiction can accomplish in a weird way. To my addict mind that seems like a catastrophe despite all the years I spent isolated, lost jobs and friends, missed out on opportunities and was unable to connect at all due to my addiction.


Socially I'm okay. I don't think I have felt a pulsating sexual attraction of anyone recently yet but it will be interesting to see what a mutual sexual connection feels like this time connected to my emotions. More emotionally grounded. It feels like an underlying space is being created underneath all of the surface level changes to my consciousness. A space completely seperate from thought and emotion. Hard to describe.

Was pretty stress and hating my job as I have been every day for the past 8 months. This torture is ridiculous. But I am going to look into other areas and overcome this shit.

 

DAY 4
DAY 4 OF WEEK 1
Acted out. Got stuck with masturbation. I mentioned here that I slipped up nearly every week and part of it was that I was completely disregarding my addiction in many ways thinking I had some control over it. And that completely surrendering to my powerless and connecting with others when I felt shit, tempted etc. was inconvenient.
Started off masturbating, edging, then progressed onto self-oral then after 3-4 hours I finally was like in my addiction mindset "Well you know I've gone this far. Time to do what I've been wanting to do all this time." Then I searched transexual ads for sex workers.

Suddenly I halted.Despite having severe severe cravings for a month or two about going to see a sex worker, when confronted with transexual imagery.. I did not like it. There was no buzz. I felt disgusted. Woooo. With the progress I had been making my tastes reversed, still I need more progress but changes did happen. However I was stuck in my addiction and it was too late. My brain was on a hunt to find stimulus. Finished to a transexual video, only one. However I did not really find it whatsoever attractive and man... Can't begin to say how weird that was.

Then my prefrontal cortex moved to the back seat. Went to MacDonalds which I never do, but the food was so fake and artificial I couldn't eat it. And then watched youtube for hours but it didn't really have the same brain fog as it used to. Even the shame and guilt was not as bad as it used to. I was able to identify not to binge porn and get back on the horse. However since I stayed up to 3 am that night because of youtube, I ended up searching porn, but once again I could not find it attractive. The euphoria wasn't there. But it was when I accidentally came across a picture of a chick and boob. So that was interesting to note. Anyway I finished then too but the experience was so unpleasant that I don't care for it.

Back on the horse now. Four days in and working my steps. Lessons learnt:

• Be honest with yourself and my sponsor of my activities
• Don't try to take "short cuts" and work the program
• Be a man of my word
• Getting back on the horse is more important then giving into frustration. Accept the things you cannot change. And have the courage to change the things you can.
• Masturbation for me cannot be done in moderation
• The disease is progressive.
• Good perspective on the lack of control and powerless you have over your addiction is essential

Anyway. Getting into the groove. The initial two days was merely a process of forced acceptance and submission into what I cannot change. Going to meetings. Keeping in touch with fellow addicts. Going vegan now. Got a meditation retreat coming up soon. Keep it up guys!

 

Thanks man! Yeah I didn't lose all the progress or whatever just a big bump in the road but definitely feeling the repercussions of what I did through the numbness, loss in interest and emotional grounding, anxiety/self esteem. But it's not the same as before. Give it a couple of weeks and ill be back in the groove. This time I'm aiming for quality of recovery as opposed to quantity. I kinda just slacked off a bit I feel but this time I am aiming for not skipping on some of the behaviours I don't want to act out. In reality masturbating for me is too destructive and always leads to something terrible. I just can't do it in moderation I am too addicted. But this time I'm looking to recover and not activate any of the old neural pathways by allowing edging etc. as a slip. If I do that kind of stuff again I am resetting. Getting stricter because in honesty I can't lie to myself or I will pay the price.

 

DAY 8​

DAY 1 OF WEEK 2

Back on the horse. I haven't really had a hard 8 days at all. I have just been completely purely working the steps and recovery program. Connecting with others etc. Always cautious of how no control I have in regards to that addiction. However right now I am putting all my focus into my career and developing my career in film.

My work is firing me in the coming days. I won't be working from Monday probably unless I sneakily extend that to another day. However, it seems as though thinks are coming together. Many things occurring at the moment. Also being forced to move out and will probably be homeless/forced to sleep in my car in the next week too. So that is going to be interesting.

I may get a part time job just to keep up with the rent and food but I'm going full focus into my photography/filmography. May even get back into videoing events. With my photographer friend, build a portfolio. I am going to make this work however and I am not giving up. I am not listening to what other people say or think of me either. So many people around me cannot see what I envision and following other peoples advice is going to get me nowhere I can clearly see that.

Right now I have $7-8,000.00 to my name. Got a car, camera, laptop, gym subscription, books and adobe subscription - all of which I worked and paid for.

Recovery is going well. Right now I am meeting with a friend to discuss a film and then we are going to a film festival.

 

DAY 9​

DAY 2 OF WEEK 2
Starting to get back that emotional grounding. Socially wise I am much smoother. Yesterday asked someone to hang out and was kinda jumping back and forth between people. Much better talker I guess. Way less anxious then when I started recovery. Socially anxiety is almost non existent.

But when I get emotional grounding it's like something to draw on. When bad days come now, because I am so used to it I just accept them and don't try to control the way I feel. Bad days are allowed to come and are apart of the process if I am to grow and keep growing.

Talking to girls, I can definitely see they are more, don't know if more attracted, but I am much more present and maybe they get that? It's really hard to explain. Trying to explain this without over exaggerating or understating what is going on.

I would say that at the moment, I am dealing with creating discipline in my own life to not get stuck on youtube, Facebook etc. when I need to do things on the computer. Haven't been to the gym and the courage to get back on the horse requires... courage? Just gotta accept the things I cannot change and move forward. Get past the ego.

Still vegan. Haven't been eating meat, just a lot of vegetables and probably cleansing my body in a way. As for nofap I would say that after a week and half back into it after nearly three month I am getting rid of the muck of the last relapse and getting back on the horse. Still going to my meetings and working the steps.

I suspect that this time after three months, having already had three months up before I am going to completely erase the urge for porn/sex workers and whatever related to my history of acting out. I can already see that I don't even think about any of that shit. And the last time I did it was such an unsatisfying experience and so unrewarding that I don't see why I would ever want to go back. Truly disgusting and that is not to mention where my life can end up. It's just not worth the risk.

Right now I am going after what I want in life and I don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks. Usually upon waking up the first thing I check for is where I am at emotionally. Because I feel that when I wake up it's like I wake up as a new person. Because I am seeing new progress on my journey to recovery.

Also predict that in the next coming months that I am going to get a girlfriend. Putting that out there. And she is going to be really cute.

 

DAY 10​

DAY 3 OF WEEK 2
Well. I am still going. Emotions coming back and neediness fading away. Starting to see what the roadblocks to my success where again. And I realise at least for now it is a process of recommitment, one day at a time. Temptations or cues have gone beyond the physical and now I am understanding the mental roadblocks to my success in this recovery. In particular the idea of and degree of control that I perceive I have. This is now a trigger for me as opposed to engaging in the physical acts itself.

Someone was just talking to me today, claiming that I need to relax because I am so young. But in honesty I don't feel young and I have been quite perceptive of things for a very long time. Even growing up, when I was in preschool, walking around my mums university I felt older then rest of the people around me. Not that I really care to much of that experience but it is kinda interesting to note. Anyway who cares. I am ten days back into my recovery and although that doesn't seem like much, considering 10 days ago I had 75 days up, it is progress. Soon I will be going off to my meditation retreat and when I come back I shall have 30. I may even come back with 40. If I choose to stay there for a longer period of time. How do I feel? Less needy. More whole, grown up, confident. On top of that the amount adversity that I have come through and continue to go through gives me confidence. Self esteem is good. My energy levels and motivation are not really that crazy. I like socialising with people but like I don't feel compelled to go the gym for example like I used to. In fact in my recovery I had only really felt like going to the gym everyday for maybe a few weeks or so. Aside from that my motivation doesn't compare. But regardless I have to push my self despite what I am going through.Life continues on and I can't wait until I feel good to take action.

 

Yeah man. Vipassana. It's the best retreat out there. Straight to the core, no bullshit. Everyone who is experienced meditator goes there. When you do you'll be like damn this is hard but its worth it. Will definitely update on how I go

 

DAY 13​

DAY 6 OF WEEK2
Feel pretty good. Been going through a lot of withdrawals as I usually do in this period in particular the first month approximately. But I am coming through. My mind has been completely off porn, sex workers or anything like that. I have just been keeping busy and I have to create the life I want to live.

Organising everything and hustling to make it happen. Yesterday I got back into the gym after two months - face the sting of reverse progress and the sting is still there but after some months it will go. Still going vegan, eating very healthy. Shitting like 3-4 times a day. Would say in terms of recovery the last few days and today theres been a lot of anxiety however mentally I am so used to adversity through this recovery that I am still pulling through despite my feelings. Withdrawals may come and go but I will continue to create and do the stuff that I gotta do.

Been a bit of that facial tension there from ages ago but no where near the magnitude. Realised today that when I look at girls the immediate reaction is "they like me" then "why don't they like me" which explains a lot of the needing to control.

I would say that I feel the withdrawals aren't as strong and I rarely ever think about porn or sex workers. I am more focused on my goals/objectives and future plans.

Going to a meditation retreat soon which is going to be good. Would say I'm going alright. Got 13 days up and I got back on the horse from my last acting out. Confidence would say is increasing, forgetting about my addiction and making progress definitely helps with my self esteem and just to go through the adversity and come out makes me more confident. Social interactions are pretty smooth even in my intense withdrawals. Easier to talk to chicks. Haven't noticed huge attractions or whatever but yeah. Becoming sensitised too which is good. Emotions are slowly creeping back. When I get 73 days again and go past that it's going to be quite interesting to see how I feel. Considering I had 73 days before the last time I acted out. That would be basically 140+ days despite the relapse/setback. Either way one day at a time and keep going.

 

DAY 17​

DAY 3 OF WEEK 3

Haven't posted in a while. It's been a roller coaster of a few days. Got through a lot of that anxiety I had before and then upon speaking to my sponsor, emotions came up. Cried for an hour and then laughed uncontrollably. It was because we started talking about regret and what I could've wanted to do because of my addiction. Hit a nerve and then an onslaught of emotions released. Very cathartic experience.

My best friend was there (who doesn't know the extend of my addiction) and was like what the fuck. In honesty I don't think he is mature enough to handle the reality of my problems or really understand what I have gone through. So I didn't tell him.

The day after I had serious cravings + low motivation and very sort of like when you've had 24 hrs no sleep but your still trying to make your brain work.

More secure with myself. Have a 10 day meditation retreat coming up. Silent, no gestures, no noting, no books, no technology, no eye contact etc. 14 hrs a day of meditation. Emotionally feel more clear from the experience and more mature.

By the time I get back I will have 30 days up. Someone was telling me they reckon that the withdrawals will be shorter than last time because before I acted out I had 75 days up. I don't really know. I remember experiencing withdrawals on the 75th day but I am definitely committed to not slipping this time.

Anyway benefits:

More secure with myself
Emotional maturity
Confidence
Social anxiety decreased
More grounded
Brain fog cleared