To hell and back

Hello NoFap community,

Let me begin by saying that although you don't know me, I know you quite well. I've discovered the issue almost 4 years ago, as I had ED for the first time with a very desirable woman and was confused afterwards. She happened to be quite understanding, but I on the other hand was in the middle of the utmost confusion. What the hell ? I'm 20 years old and I can't get it up ? First I was in denial, and thought it was physical. I knew in the back of my mind that porn had something to do with it, but the simple thought of dealing with a habit that I developed as soon as my early teens was disheartening ; so my thinker thought, and my prover had to prove, but ultimately I had to face my own truth which was the ugly truth of thousands of other men around the world, and that was my first attempt at launching myself into this journey.

I used to overcome PMO. During winter 2014-2015, I became somewhat ill and started to take it quite seriously, and after pursuing a long series of trial and error I finally managed to get rid of the demon. It's been difficult, frustrating, deceptive at times, but I finally put the nail on the coffin when I found a real girlfriend after so long, nearly a year after. I did manage to kick this nasty habit, and I can proudly say it was one of my biggest achievements, up until emotional turmoil in my private life took its toll and led me to porn again.
A slow and painful descent started last November, during a streak of heavy depression, and here I am back in the same hellish loop. I do not struggle with ED anymore, as I still have regular sex with my girlfriend, but sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be and I feel like I've hit rock bottom again. Masturbation to porn has settled over the last months and as it's currently the summer holidays, I have a lot of free time which gets wasted on endless edging sessions : two weeks ago I managed to edge during 11 (!) hours straight. Yes, it's no joke and it might be my personal record (though I did pretty bad back in the day) ; the thing is, while training myself not to orgasm, I've found a way to "cheat" simply by not finishing the act. Now for some of the more experienced rebooters among this forums' users, you must know very well that it's a fatal mistake : you can't cheat nature though, can you ? Well, I'm (re)learning the hard way.

I'm here to get myself back on track, and to help, out of compassion, all other people who are going through the same crap. We are junkies, no different than drug addicts, and it kills me to have to admit it ; the only difference being that our addiction is barely recognised in our society, which makes it all the more vicious. After battling my addiction to porn for so long, and having succeeded once all by myself, I feel alienated like never before and am reaching for the community to lend me its helping hand so I could stop screwing my life up and leave this addiction behind for good. I've had enough of it and feel like I've wasted too much time, which doesn't help to soothe the anxiety.
On the other hand I know for a fact that it is a compulsive behaviour that has its roots in the composition our very personalities ; as much as porn is harmful I'm convinced that each of us is here because there was a bigger issue to begin with, and that pornography was merely the breach where we sunk ourselves in. I'm hoping that this could be the place to dwell on such subjects, and hopefully I could bring something relevant to the table by relating my personal experience.



Thank you for reading gentlemen, we're all better than this and deep down we know it !

 

I will admit that I'm at loss for any, hence my presence here. First step is to write things down and share them, to spur a minimum of reflectivity on my side of things.

 

Yes, it was no easy feat though. Took me more than 2 years to slay the beast, and I was clean for less than a year. I should add that two twists of fate helped me in either direction.

 

Here are the most important things to retain out of this, as far as I'm concerned.

I can vouch for that. Although it may sound cheesy, adopting this stance is very helpful especially in the beginning.

This one is for the later stages. Of course "later stage" is a relative notion, but there comes a time when you will believe that since you've tame the beast so far, you could as well ride it ; well bad news, here's zombie-brain going into its trenches and tricking you from the depths of your brain. Once you go more than 2 weeks clean, you will get familiar with this one.

We often take that one for granted. I strongly believe that's a touchstone of NoFap, as there is a recurring context to all failed attempts (at least in my long and painful experience).

Looking back, I think flatlining is the hardest part. Once you get past the need for PMO, other demons will crawl back at you : that is reality for you. This is the time lapse where you should adjust yourself to it and forget about porn completely, or else the edifice you've built so far (yourself, that is) will crumble back to its barren state. Trust me on that, I would've spared myself much work had I realised it while going through it.

A.k.a. the "Classic". That's your brain throwing a temper tantrum. Once you get seasoned, you will learn to avoid these (or not).

The single most important thing to remember. You might get past the PMO, but you'll still be sick if you don't bother to get it right.

Yes. In the end, anything is a better deal than what the urge tells you to do.

Last but not least. Quitting PMO is rediscovering yourself under all the layers of bullshit that have been flooding your brain all along : each time you indulge in this crap, you add up a layer, further preventing you from realising yourself and bonding yourself into ignorance, superstition and fear. Pornography always bites the hand that feeds.


Anyways, thank you D. J. for the refresh. It's easy to forget the basics.

 

It's been already half a year since I've originally signed in and written this post. Back then, I certainly thought that I would've been cured already by the time, and here I am again out of despair. Last time I relapsed was yesterday, but I couldn't tell you how many times I fell. This might be the first time since then that I actually felt my soul "shaking" because of the tension caused by the conjunction of my will and the grip (no pun intended) of the addiction. It makes one very uncomfortable in one's own skin, and all of sudden I remembered why it was so hard to get out of this fog.

The failure that has been my absence on this valuable board could be explained by my relative indifference towards this type of media. I've never been one for any forum, as I'm not that inclined to engage in those kinds of interaction (I'm much more drawn to newer social media per se), so naturally I found myself fighting on my own again, and I truly believe that in the end there is no other way ; however the idea of a journal makes sense to me, so I will come here on occasion to pin down my experience. Indeed I regret not having had any feedback these lasts months to rely upon in times of hardship, as action without understanding is but a dead end. Compulsive behaviours need correct interpretation, and for that to ever happen adequate mesures have to be applied ; my comeback on NoFap planet is part of the plan, and hopefully will bear some fruit.

Meanwhile, I shall not touch my dick.

 

Did touch myself again. A friend happened to be around and came to my place, I haven't seen him for some time. He stayed an hour and a half and after he left, the urge that has been looming all the day finally materialised. It's like it didn't matter anymore. No orgasm but it's all about edging at this point, and I exposed myself to porn. I shall hit the panic button next time and not fall into that hole, ever.

 

I have been busy since my last relapse, as I had work to prepare for today. Went to sleep at 2:30 AM, woke up at 10 but I didn't feel much tired, got up on my feet and started the day very swiftly. I have to admit that I was efficient at work, I wish every class would go down like this. I believe the fact that I instantly focused and went through the pain of duty after my quick relapse, in spite of my state of fatigue which made the task drag on twice as long as it should, has something to with it. Now coming down sitting on my bed and listening to D'Angelo. As a result of these last 24h, my outlook remains positive and clear ; neither great nor bad, and that's the way it should be.

 

Yesterday I failed, as I not only watched porn but deemed it was useless not to go all the way and I jacked off as well.

It might be an alien feeling for most on here, but I didn't feel bad nor guilty. I'm not advocating relapsing of course ; I still made it for 12 days though, and at that point I don't take that for granted. I think being too hard on myself has been a major reason for having struggled for so long during my first streak : there is no point in trying to turn into a saint if the motive is running away from something (compulsive masturbation and porn in that case), as one is more prone to become a devil again when releasing the pressure under such influence. I don't deny that a few disciplined one smay attain the goal that way, however I believe the way of the morally superior is but a delusion for most of us : the vicious cycle begins and thrives on lack of balance in one's life, therefore the other extreme shouldn't even be an option. I can certainly vouch for it being a dead end, as I learned from experience, and I won't be getting into that and hope instead I do better for my next streak ; regardless of these a posteriori considerations, there's no doubt I have gained more than I've lost, and that's what should matter. The whole purpose of the initiative is also learning how to live in the present again.

Although I failed (let us call a spade a spade), I have no regret as these two weeks or so were filled with life. As cliché as it may sound, my overall quality of being had subtly improved, and while placebo might have something to do with it, it would be foolish to deny all the small things that, even though they weren't groundbreaking, I delightfully rediscovered and enjoyed the more as I was aware of the underlying cause. The main warning I would give about quitting PMO is that creates a void that needs to be filled, or else the old habits will crawl back in (as it's what habits are, by definition). As far as I'm concerned, I have to admit I managed that part quite well by going to exhibitions, movies, meeting old friends as well as my new neighbour who couldn't be any more cooler, getting more in touch with my girlfriend (the best sex I've had in a while, although not quantitatively) and having a hell of a Valentine's day (The Soft Moon really hit the spot as usual), and enjoying my current internship (which lasted today) all the while. In a nutshell, I would say it's been fairly balanced as it was both enjoyable and memorable. How come then I didn't make it ?

It hasn't been easy, at all. Although the first days are supposed to be the hardest, I managed to get by as I have been busy, both due to circumstances and my will to gain some momentum right from the beginning (catching the wave early, sort of). My first real ordeal happened the day before Valentine's, when I bought underwear for my girlfriend for her upcoming birthday (talk about spending money in one month !) : I had to scroll through the dozens of promotional pictures, displaying attractive photoshopped models in bras and thongs. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but here I'm talking about the first one in a series of temptation that would often pop up in a similar fashion.
I believe the key to this condition is my relation to life, and how I react to it : as soon as I feel I'm out of control, when I'm overwhelmed, when something didn't go as planned or in a state of cognitive dissonance (when having to choose something, even if it's not much relevant priority-wise), it looms and attempts to trick me into PM for providing relief the easiest and safest way. The issue in those moments is that its presence is blinding, so much that it's as if I wouldn't realise there are other options (not necessarily boring or painful) that I could take, have I had them in mind at the time ; I seem to push the negative side to the fore, against which the Dopamine Demon would always win. This is what happened yesterday, but truly it's already been starting : I did manage to contain it on Monday and Tuesday, but it would keep creeping up, leading to my ultimate demise.
I've noticed I think a lot about all my work tasks and responsibilities ; while it doesn't stress me on the regular, I can't help trying to think about how I should organise it myself instead of diving into it when the moment comes, and I always end up doing them at the last minute and becoming stressed. My relation to time and work (which should normally take a great deal of one's time) is definitely out of whack and has been that way ever since I can remember : it goes hand in hand with the compulsion. That's where my focus should be.

I'm guilty as well of not going on here and using the infamous Panic Button, as it worked very well the only time I did (around the beginning). I know the urge will come back, and it would be a mistake to pass on it.