My SO mentioned porn during sex

Thank you for your response and words. It helps me in my recovery to know that I can, in small ways, help others.

I don't think that I suggested that in exactly the way I should have. If he has never thought or suggested the idea of a filter, then maybe you could ask "Would having a filter help you work towards kicking this addiction?" But I assume that topic has at least been discussed in some way.

My feeling are that the implementation of an accountability filter MUST come from him, not you. You don't want to be his babysitter and he certainly will be resentful of that role. Instead, the filter has to be something where he sees it as "I can't do this by myself. I have to be willing to have someone help me be accountable - as uncomfortable as that will be."

My accountability filter software gives daily reports to my wife if I do a even a simple search that is questionable. It also tracks every single website I visit. So if aggregate sites are a problem for any reason, then you don't go to those aggregate sites. I constantly have people send me links to YouTube videos and I can't view one of them because I've blacklisted that entire site. If it's something I really need to see, I watch it with my wife or in some other common location (like sitting next to co-workers). Some of the results of the filter software have shown inappropriate searches on my part which have led to uncomfortable discussions with my SO. But that's the A in AP.

Good luck.

 

From my experience, there is no bigger threat to a PA's sobriety than having idle time. That down time when you have nothing planned, nothing to do. It's just you and your thoughts. You feel bored, tired, angry, anxious, stressed, you name it. And you self-medicate with porn. And you are right. It is all on him to make the right choices in these moments.

Just a couple of suggestions: Give him a honey-do list of various things you'd like to see done like laundry, dishes, trash, raking, cleaning the garage, fixing something that's broken, etc. They can be one minute things, or things that will take several hours. Then, if he feels the least bit like edging, have him go to the list and pick something out to work on. By the time he finishes that item, there's a good chance the urge will pass.

One of my weak times of day is the 90 minutes that I have after I get home from work, but before my wife does. I now have a list of about 15 things that I can work on to eat that time. Unfortunately, that's still not always enough as the television is right there and is so attractive for me right now. But we're working on a solution for even that to be removed from the equation. The bottom line is that I am trying to replace my bad habits (PMO) with healthy, productive habits (chores, learning a new language, etc). Recovery for the PA isn't about just denying yourself something. That leaves a hole. Instead, it's about replacing something bad with something good.

The other suggestion, if possible, is to have him shoot you (or an online AP) off a quick text stating that he is having trouble. Sometimes just hearing words of compassion/encouragement from someone on the other end is all it takes to quash that particular urge.

 

I actually found an accountablity software recently for my husband. Filters aren't very effective,except for inadvertent exposure. We were doing a lockdown iphone situation which was very limiting and still had loopholes thst I will not mention here. On an Android phone, accountable2you records virtually everything in every app. It DOES not filter- so it is up to his will power, but you will know. One thing my husband felt strongly about was not having access to reports. In case there was something that didn't get recorded, he didnt want the ability to "test" it. I think that was very smart of him. Anyway, so far he has found it to be a freeing experience, says he likes being accountable and that temptations enter his mind far less frequently, and when they do he is able to just know that I would know, so the feeling passes quickly. He said before, he would try to push it out of his mind but it was resurface again and again.

However, we have been working on this for 11 years. This woulsnt have been my first step, but countless other tries have failed. His longest stretch has been over 5 years....
Right now we are at over 11 months since last relapse.

 

Oh this just made me get a pit in my stomach. 5 years clean and then a relapse? This makes me so sad. I don't want to do this for years.

 

Yes. Too be fair he didnt have a smart phone for 4 of those years and we dont have home internet.