34 months clean, life challenges test my endurance to keep going

I will be 3 full years of PMO free life on May 12th. This has been a wonderful path of rediscovering myself, after 40 years of heavy PMO addiction, plus thousand of random hook-ups in promiscuous places and hiring hundred of male escorts.

I want to talk this time about how life challenges will test our ability to stay clean.
For the last 3 months I had many problems at home and at work.
My father is very 91 years old and he is dying. He had severe seizures last month and I needed to travel in a rush to Argentina, where he lives.

My addiction started after I was abused in the school restroom when I was 10 years old by older kids. I could not cope with the trauma and hide behind gay sexual fantasies, PMO, compulsive sex, etc. This was in Argentina, so getting back there always gives me bad memories and feelings. And watching my Dad so deteriorated also made me feel depressed.
At the same time I had big problems with my business partner, we are in the middle of splitting the company and he had done everything possible to take advantage of me.The memories of the bullying I experienced when i was a kid does not help me to stand this type of abusive situations feeling strong. It always get me back to feelings of being weak and unable to cope with stress, which is what always triggers me the PMO cravings and urges to be submissive in front of a guy.

So I experiences strong urges all the week I was in Argentina, far away from my home in Miami, feeling weak and stressed. I had not felt such strong urges for the last year, so it was kind of annoying to feel that shit once again.
I could not resist the temptation to deactivate the K-9 and start browsing some escort website for 5 minutes.
Fortunately, I quickly realized that I was entering in "auto-pilot" mode. My brain was getting foggy and I could recognize that I was doing this against my rational will. "The Gremlin", which was dormant inside me, was trying once again to take advantage of my weakness and wanted to awake and attack as he has done during 40 years of my life.
But this time I was prepared. I could see him in the face and think rationally: you will not send me back to the shitty, creepy life i had 3 years ago. I may be a bit stressed and sad, but getting back to the addiction will just make me feel worst. I will sink in a binge of PMO and escorts, a vicious down spiral which will just lead me to more depression and low self-esteem."
I thought about NoFap, and so many Fapstronauts which have became my friends during all these years.
I remember the tools I have learned in this site to stay alert and to rescue myself when the urges take over my mind. You can check some of them here:

I reminded the videos that I watched and became so inspirational in my life as a "rehabilitated PMO addict", specially Gary Wilson's and Ron Gavrielli's Ted Talks (if you have never watched them you should do it, you can check them out here:

I reminded everything i read in Breaking the Cycle, the great book that George Collins wrote about sex addictions.
Also about so many conversations I had with @Alexander Rhodes and Mark Queppet through the weekly video calls at NoFap Academy. All the advise and told they gave me to succeed in this fight.
And I realized it was not worth it. I immediately closed my computer, put my gym clothes and went to the gym to do 45 minutes bicycle while watching a funny Kevin Hart stand up show.
When it was over, i felt exhausted but happy. All the negative thought were gone. I took a shower and went to visit my Dad at the hospital. He is not conscious, but I took his hand anyway and started telling him, (for first time) about what happened to me in that school, about my sex addiction and my bisexuality. i never spoke with my parents about this, the feeling of guilt and embarrassment was too big. Doctors say that even in this state they can listen and feel, so it was a big relief finally to tell him about this.
When I left the hospital I felt relieved. I started crying , but it was joy. I felt that I have taken a spine from my chest.
I got strength and could start reacting to my business partner aggressions, talked to my attorney and could start planning a defense and the legal actions ahead. I still felt afraid, but this time I could stand on my feet and chose to fight instead of surrendering like when I was 10.
I had my mind clearer, because my brain is not driven by PMO any longer.
Now I feel great. I could go through such big challenges in my life, and stay clean. . I can be scared, but I chose not to hide behind PMO any more.
I feel free
Stay strong
Fercho

 

Thank you very much @jorg78 !!!

 

You are absolutely right @ksljcy , I forgot to post the links:

The one with the videos is this one:

http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?th...t-help-me-a-lot-during-my-reboot.39774/page-2

Here you can find some readings to use when you get an urge:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-320-days-of-reboot.62938/#post-473978

Here you can find some tips to start rebooting:

http://NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/tips-that-helped-me-to-start-my-reboot.46617/#post-330318

Stay strong
Fercho

 

Muchas gracias @Eleanor , ahí vi que eres de Mexico. Te invito a que te unas a los otros hispanoparlantes en este foro:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/nofap-en-español.50547/page-92#post-1326540
Fercho

 

Thank you so much @im_alive , it is great to see that you are still around in this site! We started both in 2015 and we are still here. That’s called resilience!!!
Stay strong
Fercho

 

You are right @pcmaster , we need to focus on the battles we win every day, instead of always looking just our weaknesses
Fercho