New Introduction-Feeling Lost.

I am not really sure where to even begin. I've been with my husband for almost 19 years, and I have always known he enjoyed porn. It didn't bother me. I am a woman who reassures other women that their partner using porn isn't always a bad thing, and can in fact be a healthy addition to their sex life. I still believe that, as long as the porn doesn't turn into some evil monster that destroys a relationship. (So to speak).

A few years after my H and I got together, I noticed his porn collection had gotten rather large (over 25k files). We shared a computer, and I was trying to figure out where all of the memory was going. I found it! When he got home, I asked him about it. Not accused, not judged, I simply asked why he had so much, and if he thought that it might be getting to be a bit much. Queue nasty fight in which he tells me it is part of his life, and I can leave if I don't like it. I was shocked into silence. He kept screaming, and accused me of violating his privacy. I said nothing more, and went to work. That night, when I got home and logged onto our computer it was all gone. He had downloaded every file onto a disc. That was fine, it freed up memory, and that was what started everything.

God forbid I ever caught him PM. He would fly into a rage, and tell me I was violating his privacy. Even after I said "It doesn't offend me, and I'd be happy to help finish you off." He tried that, and seemed to enjoy it. Let's just say I am definitely not a prude, and am (or was) extremely open to new things sexually. I took him places he had never experienced before. Willingly and without reservation.

A few times I caught him placing personal ads, saying that "She doesn't understand me sexually." and things along those lines. I tried to let him come clean about it, and he lied until I showed him the messages. I even asked "Do you think I am just guessing with great accuracy?" Of course I got the "I will never do it again" speech.

Perhaps I am a fool, but I worked hard to forgive him. Even when he accused me of cheating on him with someone online. I told him from day 1 that I was talking to the person. I told him I talked to the person because I felt like he (H) didn't listen to me, and I would prefer H over my friend online ANY day of the week. I told him when said friend was getting attached to me, and I was going to stop talking to him. Basically, at no point did I lie, or think of the online man as anything more than a friend. I have several male friends I talk to, and am always honest about it. My H is welcome to contact any one of them. The one I ended things with got weird, and called my house, and started stalking me online. I put an end to that situation quickly. Still after 5 + years, H will throw "you cheated on me" in my face any time I bring up concern for him going out of town and placing personal ads (which he used to always do when one of us was away on business, and when I was working late). I even tried to explain "I was looking for a friend. You are looking for an affair. They aren't the same thing!" He denies his part, and screams at me until I apologize for what I did.

I know that all sounds bad, but we do love each other. He just gets loud and emotional when he feels insecure. That brings me to the problem. Last summer, we started having some issues in bed. I had a hysterectomy several years ago, and have struggled to get my libido back. Most of the time I manage okay. But, I have been under a lot of stress because my father passed 2 years ago (as of last month) and I help my mom out a lot. It takes its toll. He was concerned about our sex life, and I tried on multiple occasions to come up with solutions. I had gone from being a predator in the bedroom, to having difficulty initiating sex. I told him that once things got started I was fine, but I was so stressed out that it was like I couldn't find my on switch. He grilled me for details on how and when he should approach me, on when should he give up, about how much rejection was he supposed to take. By now, I am in tears (which is rare) and trying to explain that he is asking for answers I don't have. Yet, he insists that I find them or I shouldn't expect him to know what I need.

That went on for several weeks, the making me the focus of why our sex life had dwindled so much. Telling me all of the ways I needed to change to fix it. Then one day last November he tells me that he needs to talk to me. He tells me that he is a PA, in a bad way. He goes on about how hard it is on him, and how uncomfortable he is with the thoughts he is having. I wasn't surprised that he was addicted. I knew he liked porn more than average, and based on how defensive he was about it, that it wasn't a casual distraction. No, the part that shocked me was when he told me that he had chosen our relationship over porn. He listed all of his reasons, and how porn had taken over his life, and he wanted it back.

I broke down in tears. He said "Why are you crying? I chose us!" and he got defensive when I said "It never crossed my mind that you would have to validate your reasons to choose us over porn" He said "You mean so much to me that I chose us!" I said "I mean so much to you? Have you forgotten how long you have been blaming me for our unsatisfying sex life? You blamed me for almost 2 years! I have given you a "how to" manual because you wanted every little detail on how to get me in bed, which you never once used! So, what am I supposed to be happy about? Please, explain it to me."

He never did. So maybe someone can enlighten me. Please. He is in therapy for PA and ED, but doesn't really want to talk about it with me. When I have tried to initiate sex, he tells me no. Am I wasting my time hoping he will figure things out? I support him getting help. I am not critical of him, except mentally over "I chose us over porn" and blaming me for a lack of sex when I tried everything I could think of. Those have been the only times I have been upset about this whole situation. I don't bring either thing up to him (he gets defensive and mean), but they still upset me.

Sorry my post is so long, but I have been trying to understand all of this for months. I have read so many articles, forums, and journals about PA so that I can be supportive for him. I just cannot get past the hurt of his blaming me for our problems in bed, and acting like I should celebrate him choosing our 18 year marriage over porn. Now he is rejecting me completely. I'm so hurt and lost.

 

The only time I ever saw load of porn was the stuff he deleted off of the computer a long time ago. Since that time he has been more discreet, and has done nothing that made me think he was an addict. He doesn't spend hours on a computer, he is in bed long before I am. Actually, the only thing he does for hours on end on occasion is play video games on his day off. Nothing stood out to me that he was a PA. When he told me I wasn't shocked, but only because of past (over 15 yrs ago) reactions.

Aside from his indiscretions, and what he considers mine, we are happy together. Until last summer our sex life was pretty normal, and before I had multiple deaths in my family, our sex life was great. We have tried to pinpoint what changed between us, but neither of us can. The love has never changed. When we have sex, it is still earth shattering.

Sure, I was mad about the personal ads, and he has stopped placing them. He has also stopped going out of town on business, and has no free time to engage in meeting someone. We live in a small town, and are pretty well known. There isn't much he or the kids can do without my hearing about it. It can get quite intrusive actually. If I found out he had placed another one, I would leave without a second thought. I have been pushed to the limits of being understanding, and would not forgive him. He knows this.

Am I afraid to be alone? On the contrary. It took me years to feel comfortable in our relationship, and it bothered him that I didn't "need" him. I have never been afraid to be on my own, and am fully capable of supporting myself. It is had to understand someone's personality online. The easiest way to describe me is I am an Alpha personality, but not a narcissist. I am dominant (not domineering), not afraid of much, and am extremely comfortable being self-reliant. I don't feel like he took advantage of me, so much as he was weak, and dishonest. I have limits, and he has reached them.

 

No. No. He is in therapy. I do not feel the need for it at the moment. If I do, I will go.

 

Thank you.

I don't feel the need for therapy at the moment. I've been through years of therapy in the past, so I am not against it. I also have a degree in psychology, and have been a therapist myself.A therapist cannot answer the questions I have right now, only my husband can. I am hoping that his therapist will help him be able to be honest with me. If not, I will suggest that we seek Marriage Counseling to work through things.

I should clarify that my main issue is that I don't understand his comment of "I chose you over porn" and him being upset (mad and frustrated) when I was hurt that he had been so dishonest for so many years, when I am one of the least judgmental people when it comes to sex/sexuality. I can only come up with blame shifting, but unfortunately until he is more honest, it is just a guess. I knew he got off to porn, and it never bothered me. I knew about it before I married him, and didn't expect it to change. I didn't know that he considered himself a PA until he told me in November, after blaming me for our sex life. So, for now, I will wait and see where his therapy goes.

 

Thank you all for your replies.