Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Thank you, I appreciate it <3

 

I know, which I am grateful for. Once I get myself together, maybe I will be able to reflect more.

 

DAY 37:

DAILY GOALS MET?

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers.
• Still conflicted about husband's new admissions, but I am working on me, my own healing...
• Spend at least 15-20 minutes talking with my husband (w/o distractions).

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I know, and I also know how many never really get "the full" story from their PA's and I am glad, grateful and surprised (TBH) that he disclosed this information when I would have probably never found out on my own. He knew he'd be risking a lot by telling me, but he did, and that shows me that he is really, finally all in right now. Having said that; this is now D-Day #5 for me, and it does not excuse what he has done to me, our marriage and family, for the last 12 years. That is something I have digest, process and see if I am even willing to fight for anymore.

The last two nights, our usually 30 minutes talks have lasted about 3-4 hours, which is great because we are both talking, asking questions and trying to figure things out. I'm truly conflicted, it's like WW3 in my head right now. The 'old me', the person I have been for over 30 years - right now, would be completely pissed off, emotionally shut down, harboring my pain inside and probably would have actually kicked him out of the house; permanently. However, right now I have to take into account all of these changes that I am seeing from him, he actually seems legitimately remorseful for his actions throughout the last 12 years. I see how difficult it is for him, now that he is out of the "fog" and reflecting on everything he has done, he is sad, ashamed and scared. I have seen him put in the work, trying to understand it all and me (for once) and I am fully aware that it's only been 37 days, but we have connected so much and on such a deeper level that it makes it so hard for me to make sense of everything that is processing through my damaged brain at the moment.

Between D-Day 3-4; I have finally started making strides about putting MYSELF first; getting what I want out of life and my future relationship(s) - I have litterly been fantasizing about how it could finally be; to be with someone who would love me, want me, cherish me, fantasize about ME, be proud to call me his wife and NEVER ever let me put any of that into doubt... someone who doesn't have a dark history of betraying me, who checks ME out instead of random women... and I was fairly certain, that in order for me to be in a happy relationship, it would most definetely mean I needed to be with a new man, a different man; someone new and fresh without any PA or other baggage. Sounds like I finally have my shit together, right? WRONG.

... Because right now, I feel like I am currently with a "new man"; I know it doesn't make sense, but this clear-minded, vulnerable, understanding, loving and attentive guy - I've never met him before, it's like he has replaced the old guy. I'm getting to know this "new guy", I might even say I'd be falling for him under normal circumstances. My intimacy with this "new guy" feels so good - we are getting closer and closer, we are both no longer afraid of being truly honest anymore. I've never felt the things I've felt in the last 37 days. This is why I am conflicted, I don't know where it's going with this "new guy" but like him... but all of my spidey senses are UP, because I don't know if this new guy will get the shit beaten out of him; by the old one at some point and then he will take control again and I'll end up hurt. I don't know if this "new guy" is worth the risk of being destroyed once more.

Thank you, I will reach out, maybe not right away - because like you said, I need to process but as soon as I am ready, I will <3.

 

I am thankfully for that, my husband has been learning so much about his "old self" and I think answering those questions, plus my recent disclosure letter was what prompted him to finally be 100% honest with me.

This process though, is so exhausting - for everyone involved, hence why I am so conflicted.

 

This, right here...



However, the fact that it has always been one-sided, is what hurts the most.

 

This one is touching:

 

DAY 38:

DAILY GOALS MET?

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/full disclosure.
• I am TRYING to finally work on me, my own healing...
• Have been making time to talk with my husband (w/o distractions) even though my heart is broken.

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So, what's on my mind? a shitload. Often times, I find myself questioning my own actions and responses; especially after my husband's full disclosure on March 5th. I want to start by saying, I am very happy that he finally decided to disclose everything he has been hiding from me - that he's now completely open, vulnerable and honest. With this [what he disclosed] he could have kept to himself forever - I would have never found out, but he felt comfortable enough to finally lay it all out on the table. As happy as his honesty made me, I can't help but still feel surges of anger, sadness, disappointment, and even hatred for what he did to me, this reveal shook me to my core and even I've been questioning how well I am handling it, meaning I didn't even punch him straight in the face as he told me. *Side note: it's also giving me wild thoughts, urges to do things that would be out of character for me... kind of scares me, where my mind goes.

I am currently fighting so hard to stay in control of my own impulses right now and it is a very difficult internal struggle for me. The last few weeks, my husband and I have had significant growth - within himself, myself and as a unit; because he is finally making the effort to change, he even seems really determined about it. I think, after his big reveal, saying it out loud to another person, really made him realize how bad this addiction was, he seems to be [finally] genuinely disgusted at the magnitude of destruction it has caused to him as a person, to me and to our marriage. He is looking at it, from the outside in, from my eyes too and he says it scares him. It scares me too, as I am trying to separate the addict from the man, but I can't help but keep circling back to NO, it was him, HE did this to me; addiction or not - DO NOT GIVE HIM A FUCKING EXCUSE OR PASS for his outrageous behavior, sabotage of our marital vows and complete destruction of ME; as a wife, woman and mother of HIS children. But for the sake of my own healing, I have to try to separate it [the addict / from the man]. I have even been trying to put a face to this addiction; make it a real monster in my mind [a visualization] and help him face it head on as if it was an enemy on the battlefield; together, so he knows he isn't in the fight alone - even fighting through my own tears and pain. But then at completely random times throughout the day, it just hits me like a ton of bricks, my mind begins to wander and then I start to visualize what he did in my head... like a literal replay of what I think it may have looked like and I just get infuriated. I am so confused, because I have begun to notice (and have even been talking myself out of this idea) that I may be starting to fall for this new guy, the one I met exactly 38 days ago (as if this is a new person, new relationship) and it starts to make me feel so good, but when I blink and open my eyes once more - I can't help but see the same face, the face of the man who has hurt me so deeply, made me feel so unwanted, has been actively destroying me for almost 12 years and has now also admitted to the ultimate betrayal (in my book).

I lost all sense of safety and security I once had with my husband, my marriage. I no longer see him as my protector, as I did before, those days are gone. I am now locked in a perpetual state of fight or flight mode and have finally realized that from now on, I have to fend for myself and should never depend on anyone else for that safety/security again.

I am so torn, confused and overwhelmed with everything has occurred for the last 12 years... and especially over the last 38 days.

He keeps asking me, "how, after all I have done to you, are you still by my side and willing to help me with this?" and sometimes I also wonder how I have the strength to do this, but I tell him: "because I still love you, you will always be the father of my children and unlike "other" people, when I say something, I mean it. So when I told you, I would be there for him, no matter what - I meant it, no matter what our future holds (whether I decide to stay married or not)".

I have been watching a lot of recovery/healing videos on YouTube, and we will watch some more together. There are a lot of powerful, helpful videos and articles out there. He wants to do anything he can to make sure I heal and he recovers, I think this is a good start.

I wanted to just write one quick paragraph and somehow that always turns into an essay. SORRY LOL.

#MOOD:

 

Glad to find a positive in my sharing this all. Sharing goes against my normal instincts but it has been helping me process the situation I find myself in.

 

DAY 39:

DAILY GOALS MET?

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/full disclosure...
• Reading information/watching videos about what I need for my own healing...
• Have been making time to talk with my husband (w/o distractions) every day...

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Last night we spent another 2-3 hours on our talk, I would have thought he would want to stop after 1 hour but he kept going to my surprise. He's never talked to me so much, in all of the years I have known him. He does most of the talking and I actively listen and respond, he's brought that up a few times, making it clear it's something he keeps noticing. I don't do it on purpose, I'm still processing everything that has happened in the last few days, let alone the last 12 years. Obviously with the exception of new questions I raise about his recent big reveal; because I am still so hurt and disappointed by his actions; but more sad for the hopeful woman he did that to back then - not the woman here with him today. I just really don't have much else to say, only revealing my previous feelings and pain, but nothing new - I am more concerned about his recovery, helping him succeed and becoming a better person for himself and our girls.

He also keeps mentioning "I'm surprised you took my confession so well" so I told him why I think that was and perhaps why I took the reveal, as well as I did, as I continue to question myself about it. After thinking a bit about it, I finally explained it to him last night as best as I could: since D-Day # 1, I immediately started to put my wall back up, and he didn't make any attempts to change that. As the years flew by, he continued to ignore me as a woman/wife, no affection, attention, romance, intimacy or connection - nothing. After trying to get him to talk (being pushed away each time) and constantly hinting to flat out ASKING (how pathetic) for him to do something, anything to make me see he is still interested in me... he would buy me a few flowers after each mention to shut me up, then stop again. I just got tired of having to practically beg my own husband to notice me. After a while, I began to disassociate him from being a husband/lover to just the man I live with and have kids with, just a friend with benefits. I played the game well, everyone thought our family was great and continue to think so, it's all been a great show.

I recall for the last few years, I kept bringing up that fact that I thought our connection was distant, something was off, just not clicking between us and he would just say "I don't know" or "I don't think so", and we would continue to go about our business (he said he can recall those mentions). Now, thinking back; I guess I was kind of looking for a way out without having to be the one to say it first, to be the one who asked for a divorce. Like, every time I brought it up, I was secretly hoping he would just say "You know what, I think you are right, I don't think this marriage is working for either of us anymore - maybe we should end it?", to give me an easy way out, a reason to finally end my loneliness. I was just so miserable and he checked out years ago - so why stay married if neither of us is happy? but he ever did it, he never gave me those words; the push I was looking for to start the process. More often then I'd like to admit, I found myself daydreaming about a new relationship, one filled with unconditional love, honesty, trust, intimacy, happiness, *no secrets* *no lies* and "he", he yearned for me more than anyone else on the planet!... but then; as with most dreams... reality sets in and I think to myself; well, he is a good dad, everything was okay family/household wise, he was steady/reliable when needed; so other then my womanly needs being ignored; I felt it would be selfish [ironic, eh?] for me to destroy the family and leave my kids in a broken home, having to move between two places/splitting holidays etc., so I decided to just leave it alone for now and suffer it out until both kids move out.

However since my needs, as a woman were not being fufilled, and he kept disrespecting me by checking out other women in front of me - I needed to do something to stop getting so hurt by his actions... so I began the process of rewiring my brain to dissociate him from "husband/lover" to "husband by law/father of my kids", so the more time went by, the more I caught him oogling them and ignoring me, the more disconnected I got from him... sadly he didn't even notice the difference, but that didn't come as a shock to me. I also began applying the same principle to sex. I LOVE sex, maybe even a little too much? lol but yea, I really enjoy having it and since I'm not the type to cheat, I just saw him as a means to get mine; kind of like I felt he was doing with me. Sex was had; for the sake of having sex, I wasn't doing it to grow our connection or to share intimacy with him; just to get mine; as I had no other choice in the situation I found myself in. Now, having said all that; D-Day #3 hadn't even occurred yet...

Then D-Day #3 happened in Sept '17, which to me showed/proved to me that on top of his ignoring me, he has also been lying to me for 10 years (because I was under the impression he quit PM in 2008) - I was angry about that part (the lies) but was sort of "meh" in general because it was in that moment that I finally recognized that he was never going to change, and I needed to prepare myself to have the courage to finally leave this marriage; do something for myself for a change. I was mulling over the idea, then my stupid personality kicked into high gear and took over: "Ugh, but the kids! don't do this to them! maybe he has a real problem? maybe that's the reason he's been behaving like an asshole this whole time? should I give him another chance?" so I did, I decided to do it in a different way this time; without anger, yelling, tears or judgment. I told him, please no matter what, if you relapse, no matter how soon - all I ask is that you be honest with me, so I can help you". Every few days I would ask him "anything you need to tell me?" his response was always "nope" and "I haven't gone back to it, it's too soon". Like a dummy, I believed him. Then merely 3.5 months later, D-Day # 4 happened and I was finally DONE. The thought of losing me, his family wasn't enough, only asking for honesty without judgment didn't work - it was pointless. Like I mentioned before, I took my rings off, we agreed to play this game a little longer for our eldest daughter and in 3 years we'll officially separate. The only thing he could muster up as a response was "I don't think I have the right to ask for you to give me another chance" and of course I said, no - I just don't care anymore, do what you want. Then he started NoFap and has actually been putting in the work, something I never thought would happen.

So, when he asked "how is it you took my confession so much better than I thought you would", that's what I explained to him. The reason is that I have been emotionally disconnecting from him for years, so by the time he told me; I have already been detached from him; and this marriage, for quite some time. Was I mad? of course. Shocked he could do this to me? fuck yes. Feel even more betrayed? umm yea, so much that I am getting a huge urge; to return the favor - just to make him feel what it's like; which scares me because it's uncharacteristic of me. I feel extremely disrespected, he basically took a shit on our marriage vows and proved he didn't love me enough to stop himself, from doing what he did. But he did that to the naive girl, who was still hopeful about this relationship. Now, I'm at the point where it just doesn't affect me as it may have back when it was being done. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts a lot, that he would do it - to ME. Every time I play it out in my head, I get infuriated but; other than that - it just is what it is, more proof that this marriage was one-sided for a long, long time.

The last 39 days have been really different, for him, me and between us. It's never been like this before, for us - not even when we were dating. We've been connecting on an intimate level, deep connection, and complete vulnerability/openness... and just like that all of a sudden there all of these mixed feelings going through my head and that has been leaving me so confused, because I was so sure of my projected plans but now; I just don't know what's going to happen anymore.

At the end of the day... all I keep thinking is: