Going to start my NoFap journey - 16 years of porn, ED, DE and depression

I am 27 years old, and have had severe ED issues (95% of the time I will not get any erection, no matter which girl, no matter if they are a 4/10 or a 9/10 HBB) since my first sexual interaction at 19. I have never fully overcome my ED issues, and it has/had severely impacted my life at various points, at one point causing me severe depression to the point where I wanted suicide. It was my inability to do the one function that humans/mammals are on Earth for – procreation – that drove me to that point.



In High School, I was a big gamer, and social loner. I honestly, had very little friends, and never went to a party once. I never even socialized through sports. I also did not have any relationship with any of my family members, and I was subject to intense physical and emotional child abuse (I have spoken with various psychiatrists, counselors and social workers about my deep rooted problem at the time and more recently in my 20s). I am convinced a part of my ED problems is the fact that my mom and I had no relationship. I spent my life without a motherly figure, without any normal motherly things – hugs, encouragement, etc. I probably spent 10 hours a day, locked in my own room, with no outside interaction, playing addicting games online, and fapping 4 times a day. My life was a mess – my room was incredibly dirty, I didn’t care about anything, and I was depressed. I never interacted with any girls, and I never even had touched a girl until I got to college. Once in college, after 6-7 years of crazy expectations of sexual interactions, I stumbled into my first attempt while drunk. It failed, and I was not able to achieve or maintain an erection, and it has stayed with me for my entire life. I finally broke my virginity and was able to achieve my first sexual orgasm with a girl when I was 21 in another country. I took 30mg of online bought Viag. I was not able to achieve an erection in the beginning for the first 30 minutes, and once we first stopped trying to have sex and cuddled in bed, I then was able to achieve an erection. Note there are usually 3 scenarios that happen when I attempt to have sex.

• 1) I do not get aroused during any part of make out, touching, clothes coming off, oral (oral has never gotten me aroused in my life… more on this later), or handjobs. It’s not until we are just lying in bed, 20 minutes after we tried to have sex, that I will randomly have an erection pop up.
• 2) I get aroused during make out and touching with clothes on, but as soon as the clothes come off, I lose my erection, especially before I PIV, or in the act of putting a condom on. This will lead to be rushing to PIV without a condom, for the fear of losing my erection in the 10 seconds in putting a condom on
• 3) In the 5% chance that I am able to maintain an erection long enough to PIV, I will either a) lose my erection while transitioning to a new position (if I try doggy style I have lost my erection 100% of the time – I have never been able to maintain an erection longer than 4 seconds doing doggy) or b) have severe DE. I can usually go for an hour straight and not have any ejaculation.

In summary, with or without Viag, my sexual experiences have been anything but rewarding. I will spend time, money, energy, pulling the girl, going on a date, etc., only to not be able to have any sex. I have tried to foster relationships with women that try to go “slow”, and not build a relationship upon sexual flirting, negging, etc., but this has NEVER worked for me. In fact, when I try this, I feel more beta, and do not attempt to cold approach, or escalate. Women will lose interest, or not know I exist at all.



I have tried NoFap before, with my highest total of days amounting to 90 days NoFap last year. I saw improvement - stronger erections, but did not clearly wipe my ED. In the past three years, I have made 30-90 days NoFap at least 3-4 times. For various reasons, due to stress in life, breakups, etc., dry spells, I revert back to porn for months, causing myself an endless loop of self-rejection, depression (but not to the point where I was once self-harmful), and feeling like I am not good enough.



Yesterday, I decided, I will start NoFap and continue it for the rest of my life. I am tired of not being able to get erections and have sex with beautiful women. I am tired of flipping through 10 videos masturbating with a death grip for a temporary release and feeling depressed after. I have recently been in the subreddit seduction and have been picking up my skills with women. My ability to cold approach, feel comfortable with women, neg, and ultimately pull is at my life's all time high. In the last month, I have been able to pull 5 different women (some very attractive), back to the bedroom, but have not been able to PIV with any of them. With 2 of them I was able to gain an erection during make out or intense physical stimulation. With the other 3, I was always limp.



What I struggle with, and what I hope someone can help me with are these questions:

• 1) I have been having success with Tinder and pulling attractive women (at least 1 pull back home a week),. What are people's experiences keeping Tinder, as long as I don't obsess over their images? Is it worth keeping to rewire my brain to actual women when I am able to bring them back home? Or are these scenarios too high stress for me?
• 2) I never - and I mean never - have been able to enjoy a blowjob, and thus have never gotten hard due to a blowjob. In fact, I have lost countless erections due to a blowjob. Is this due to porn induced ED, death grip, or performance anxiety? Note: during sex, I don't feel overly anxious, like I would before a public speaking event or something similar. I actually feel pretty calm. If I had to guess I probably have a small amount of performance anxiety.
• 3) What are people’s opinion on whether I should do normal mode or hard mode? I currently have 3 women who are interested in seeing me, and for me to do hard mode, I would either need to tell them about my situation and that I won’t be having sex for months, or just blow them off completely.
• 4) Should I completely eliminate social media? I am pretty active on Instagram and Snapchat. I do not use Facebook or Twitter. I have other addictive tendencies on my phone: checking sports websites every 5 minutes, playing app games – I believe these are also other ways I try to get dopamine release. I am working on eliminating this. I do notice myself always gravitating towards my phone. I believe this is deep rooted into the fact, that I have always been in front of a screen for 8+ hours a day starting with my gaming days when I was 11.

More tidbits about myself:

• 1) I am a workout and diet fiend. I see that many people mention different facets of life to improve on while eliminating PMO. This is one area I already have down. It really causes me great pain when women mention to me that I am the most attractive person that they have slept with, but yet I cannot have sex with them.
• 2) I once did daily meditation multiple times a day for 6 months straight. I will get back into daily meditation.
• 3) I have seen a psychiatrist before who prescribed me an anti-depressant, real Viag, Xana, etc. None of these things helped me. She always told me my issues were of the sexual performance anxiety type. I told her about porn-induced ED, and she was never convinced this was a real thing
• 4) I had a gf for a year where I had my most successful sexual phase. I was able to achieve an erection about 50% of the time, but my usual issues remained: inability to maintain erection, severe DE, rush to PIV if/when I achieved the erection, etc.

TLDR:

• 1) I have never solved my severe ED issues ever
• 2) I watched porn, and fapped multiple times a day from when I was 11-20. From 20-27, I have fapped anywhere from 1-2 times a day
• 3) I have done NoFap before. My highest achievement was 90 days NoFap, where I saw some improvement.
• 4) I had an abusive childhood upbringing that I believe has caused me to be fearful of sexual situations (although I don’t necessarily feel overwhelming anxiety during sex). Think: fight or flight mode.
• 5) I have tried Viag, anti-depressants, other drugs before and it has not worked
• 6) I already workout and eat healthy every day of the week. I could probably classify my fitness and overall health as an addition, but I think this is a good addiction.
• 7) I want to start NoFap for the rest of my life, starting 3/3/2018. After having listened to Gary Wilson, I think my issues might not be cured until 2-3 years. After hearing him say that on a Podcast on Freedomain Radio, this did cause a little bit of depression. If I stay the course, I won’t be free of my sexual issues until I am 30.

Thank you for reading, and I will continue to visit this sub during my journey.

 

I've always had morning wood, and strong erections to porn. The thought of porn can get me an erection. When I try to masturbate without porn, my erections are usually weaker and it takes me about 10-15 minutes to orgasm. With porn, it can take me anywhere from 1-10 minutes to orgasm with a strong erection.

My only 90 day streak was pretty successful (compared to my current state), and I am eager to get back to 90+ days, and for as long as I live.

 

We are in this together!

 

When I masturbate to touch, it takes me longer to get hard, my erections are not as hard as when watching porn, and it takes longer for me to orgasm. I also have to use a much harder grip to orgasm.

When I relapsed, things slowly got worse and worse until it was back to "normal" meaning that it was terrible. Don't relapse.

 

There are a couple reasons why I justify keeping Tinder

1) Working on my game. Tinder is similar to porn, but also different in the fact that to pick up women and actually go on a date with them and ultimately sleep with them takes "game", "confidence", and skill. I think working on these skills are important. These skills don't come natural to me, and to keep them fresh, I think is important. Being on Tinder doesn't stop me from approaching women in real life. With porn, it takes no skill. Just browse the internet and find your streaming video. The cons as you mention are that I do see a good amount of beautiful women through photos which does objectify them and can desensitize me. These photos don't cause me an urge to fap or go watch porn however.

I just deleted Instagram and Snapchat. The only social media I'm keeping are Facebook and Facebook Messenger in case I need to contact people.

With regards to why I'm seeing the three girls. I guess just to keep rewiring and practicing sex. I don't have deep feelings for any of them - I don't see any as girlfriend material. I am also honestly pretty shallow and none of them are nearly cute enough to consider anything but something casual. Not sure if this is bad for my reboot...