So... I realize how severe my Porn problem may be...

Awesome!

It's one thing that I don't read as much about as I would like: addiction impacts perception. I was spending about 8 years without any girl while my PMO habits escalated thinking "I'm probably fine".

Fundamentally, I think addiction is a retreat to fantasy. Arousal and joy helped me denying the dismal reality of the situation - and after while, I built a defensive wall of self-deception to protect my fantasy place against the natural drive towards actual companionship, self improvement, intimacy, the real life.

 

All the tests say I'm a super introvert. but all those tests were taken after I started PMO. I sometimes wonder if I know who I am at all.

 

Yeah! That's the right question to ask. I tend to be some sort of an introvert - ... but nowadays I'd rather say I'm inhibited. It's not part of my character - it's merely an aspect of unprocessed pain and rejection.

 

I just remembered - my Mom once told me that, when I was little, that if the other kids weren't interested in doing what I wanted to do, then I would do it myself. So some of it is inherent, but I still wonder at the extent of it. Because I know I've got 'unprocessed pain and rejection' too.

 

I was just reading this post, and wow, you worded that very nicely, I totally agree with your post ! I was addicted to smoking, pmo, all kinds of destructive habits, and i have to admit that still sometimes some distracting thoughts creep in.. however I feel very decided to live a real life now, no shortcuts and quick dopamine fixes ! The only way to improve for real is to stay real ! GL ALL!!!

 

This is a wonderfully worded passage, @franco216. Wonderful and painful at the same time.

I too built a defensive wall to protect against the natural drive toward companionship and so on. As I recover from this addiction, it's great to see and feel myself no longer building and maintaining this in quite the same way, to quite the same extent. But the barriers do remain. They are longstanding, after all. I suspect it's going to take some time to slowly, gradually and patiently (I hope) bring them down.

 

I believe I am almost the same exact position as well, I'm going on 26 now and P and M is the only world I know of. I am not angry but sad that I have never shared a true romantic moment, however through the forums I still have a sliver of hope that maybe one day through abstaining I will acquire the mental clarity to overcome basic depression and overthinking. One day sure does do a lot, I've never really stopped to acknowledge this. Thank you for pointing that out.