Why do I want to see through his eyes.. danger!!

I want to look, but I don't. I have no fear at all at being addicted. I've seen a little of what he's looked at. But seeing it disgusts me, it makes me sick. Like being stabbed in the chest every image. It brings back all the pain, hurt, anger and lies of 15 years. I don't know why I keep some of the history. I should just get rid of it. The pull to look at it was much worse in the beginning. I'm finding those thoughts hardly coming up anymore. You're only hurting yourself looking at the things he looked at. Seeing those things won't help you heal, or at least they don't for me. The images I've seen are forever burnt into my mind, even ones from the very beginning. It's not healthy or healing to keep hurting yourself with it.

 

You are not alone. I have prolly spent several hours in total since D-Day looking up what he has. I wanted to know what was so great about them and not me.
a therapist has told me its not uncommon for women of Betrayal Trauma to do this. in my opinion i do not think youll become addicted. I also think the reason we do this, is because we were in the dark for so long, we just want to shed some light on what the heck was going on. Personally i felt it would make me understand my husband better, and in some ways it did. In others it disgusted me and made me question myself.
but truly i think that it was a whole chunk of my husband that i didnt know and i just wanted to learn as much as i could since i now had the information.

 

I know it's really hard not knowing. We've had a lot of talks. What I started doing is writing down my questions then waiting a day or two. Any questions I am still wondering about/thinking about or still bothered by I will ask him. The ones that I no longer feel are important I cross off my list and forget about. But if something keeps popping into my mind I ask. Sometimes I write the questions down and then think, will knowing this really help me/us? But you have to be honest with yourself. I too feel I'm going crazy. Some days I feel it is all too much. But day by day it does, not get better really. But isn't as bad I guess. Have you talked to a therapist? They can help some people.

 

I went through a stage of wanting to see as well. I didn't do it, and the reason is that I didn't want to see those images in my head all the time when I thought of him or when we were intimate, etc. I'm glad I didn't, but I understand why you'd want to. It's a personal choice, but just remember, you can't unsee it.

About the specific questions, yes! This was a big problem with us. I felt like I had to ask him the exact right specific question for him to answer it and be honest about the gist of what I was asking. We had discussions about this a little way in to his recovery and he finally got what I was saying about it and agreed not to do that. He now answers in the spirit of what I am asking and will even expand on what I'm asking sometimes. I think for him it was all part of that fog/secrecy mentality that he had going on. Only give the smallest bit of information possible as to not upset me even more. I think he has finally learned that the FULL truth may upset me in the moment but in the long run it is so much better.

 

thats a good idea but i am not sure if i could wait lol

 

i agree with the self esteem. but you also have to ask your self, why did he choose this? Do those things seem so fake? Is the reason he loves you because you are real?
I know how fake most these people are. Or the diseases they have contracted, or the fact that they have been raped, beaten, drugged, etc inorder to make these videos etc.
those are some of the things i have also looked up.
my husband cannot believe how horrible the industry is to these people.
The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography
Is a great book to help explain alot about that.

Just don't shame yourself too much. You are an authentic women. Not a fake porn star, with tons of plastic surgery, and pounds of make up on.

 

I did this too quite a bit, one point it was curiosity but after he cheated it more about lack of trust and the lies. For me it was not wanting to feel naive, stupid or feeling like I was being treated as stupid. I think some of it was arming myself against the gaslighting. All it did was make angry that he was using all this, it was such dark deprivation.
The more I looked the angrier I became, I started to become resentful of it all. The sick stuff I found on the internet turned me inside out. It was a challenge to get through but it does pass. Now I ask questions and he answers to the best of his ability but it was at its worst when I didn’t feel like I was getting any honest answers.

 

Amazing isn’t it how similar you are to an addict? It’s because anyone can become one with enough curiosity, lack of impulse control, and doubt about your self-worth. You keep looking at this stuff because you still think what he’s looking at has something to do with you or with what you “lack” when it’s not about that. It’s. Not. About. You. He’s been looking at P before you showed up so think about that.

He uses P to avoid himself, his feelings, his pain, his trauma if he has any, his self-hate, his lack of trust, and his issues with self-worth. P provides him with a reward without having to be intimate. Intimacy deals with self-worth, in order to be intimate you have to believe you’re worthy of being loved.

 

It’s completely natural to feel that way, so don’t think I have some view that your behavior is irrational. It’s not. Sex is suppose to be loving and intimate, so when the act is done outside of your relationship then it’s a betrayal. Yet in order for you to heal you will have to challenge those thoughts for your own health. You’ll have to remind yourself that even if he was in a relationship with one of the types of women he views in his P he would have also betrayed them too in search of something or someone that doesn’t require intimacy or for him to be vulnerable.

 

Be very careful. This is literally EXACTLY how I ended up here, as an addict myself. I never had any desire to look at porn, and until I was 19 and engaged to him, I had never looked at porn or even masturbated. Now, 6 years later, I've been an addict and been on this site for several years.

Also, some people here are saying they are disgusted by porn and aren't afraid of being addicted, but let me tell you, I was disgusted by it too. So don't let that fool you and trick you into thinking you won't end up in the same trap your man is in. Please be very careful with this and walk away while you still can.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this :/ I wish there was something I could say to help, but I don't have much wisdom or experience in that department. The Partner Support threads might be good for you, though!

 

Damn! I had no idea that is how you got drawn into this horrible addiction. That is a sobering story which makes me sad.

 

Yeah, it's tough because it honestly really did help me to understand my husband's addiction better and to stop feeling like shit about myself and our relationship. So in that sense, it's hard to say if I regret it or not. But I'm sure there are other ways I could have come to that place of understanding as well, although they would have been more difficult. I took the easy route, which often gets you in trouble. But that's okay. No sense worrying about past mistakes. I'm just moving on into, hopefully, a better future.

 

@BetrayedMermaid
Mermaid, thank you for sharing. I’m a recovering PA with more than 14 months clean by the grace of my savior Jesus Christ. I started dating my gf about 13 months ago. I love her SO MUCH. Reading your post about how dday made you feel makes me realize how i NEVER want to do that to my SO. So thank you for sharing and inspiring.