1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Advice and Opinions Needed

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by 2132o, Mar 15, 2018.

  1. 2132o

    2132o New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    Hi all! This is my first post on this forum. My SO recently completed a 90 day reboot in "normal mode" no PMO or M. He told me that he wanted to start M again but, without porn and only thinking about sexual encounters with me. I agreed to that (though I remain skeptical that it will not lead him back to PMO). I expressed that I would prefer that he only M on days when we could not have sex for whatever reason. I would like our sexual energy to be directed to encounters with each other in order to build intimacy.

    Today we were supposed to see each other when I got of work in the evening. He called me during the morning and said that he had M'd but, that he only thought of me and didn't look at porn. He said that he M'd for 1 to 2 hours and later clarified that he had edged during that time before O. It didn't sit well with me and I am upset about it. He is upset because he feels he did nothing wrong. He also says that he doesn't want to not be able to M on the days we have sex. My concern is that this is a slippery slope for him that could result in going back to PMO. The edging is another concern to me.

    Am I overreacting? Am I just being paranoid? Does anyone have experience with this to share? Thank you so much!
     
  2. Your SO has a partner willing to have regular sex and he still wants to M???

    He needs to stop the M. If he is Ming and edging for hours at a time, that is not good and will most likely lead to a relapse. He needs to save his sexual energy and work on building intimacy with you.

    M is not”a need”—it’s self gratification. Intimacy, connection, the touch of another person-/those are needs.
     
  3. Single Palm Change

    Single Palm Change Fapstronaut

    576
    1,174
    123
    I agree with Demon, he is still addicted to M'ing.
    Maybe he tells you he is only fantasizing about you, but I suspect he is really just pasting your face onto the models of his porn fantasies.
     
    HashMachine and GG2002 like this.
  4. 2132o

    2132o New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    I think that he is addicted to M as well. He has been very defensive and acting cold about this since I have addressed it. I feel heartbroken because he seems to be willing to throw away our relationship over wanting to M whenever he wants. Thank you for the replies and validation.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Here’s the thing, he cannot M and still have a happy and healthy sex life with you. Some men can, but he cannot. So he has a choice and no you are not being paranoid. He is choosing to M instead of being with you plain and simple. He’s not going to give this up until he sees it as a problem and he clearly does not.
     
    Deleted Account and Numb like this.
  6. 2132o

    2132o New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    Is there a way someone like him in P recovery M that is healthy in a relationship and won’t lead back to P? He seems to thing M’ng and edging are fine as long as he doesn’t watch P. If he won’t change should I want away from the relationship? I really don’t know what to do. He is good to me in every other way and we are very compatible. I thought he was someone I could marry and have kids.
     
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    It’s unlikely he will be able to continue to MO and have a healthy sex life. Edging is the worst thing he could possibly be doing. It causes the situational delayed ejaculation, meaning he can’t reach orgasm from you. My ex did the same thing he would edge for hours. In early “recovery” PMO addicts tend to slip up with porn if they masturbate, because for them the two are so closely connected that eventually just his fantasy is not enough and he’s ogling women, then use psubs like women on instagram and right back to porn. To be clear a masturbation addiction can be just as damaging to a sex life as a porn addiction. Some men just can’t let go of both at once, so they do a more gradual reboot. It’s like a security blanket being ripped from him. But the problem I see is his attitude towards the whole thing. When he quits he has to do it for him, because he sees the harm it causes, he’s not there. Should you stay? I think only you can answer that. Ask yourself if things stay just like they are now could you be happy? Because things may never change. I missed having normal sex. I missed intimacy. You are not married and you don’t have kids. When I was going through this I posted a thread asking the married sos if they could marry their SOs over knowing what they know now, what they would go through would they? Almost everyone said they would not. It’s not an easy road. I know you say he is perfect in other ways and you would marry and have kids, but that man that you fell in love with is not real. It’s pretend, he’s been pretending the whole time you were together. It’s hard to accept. You like me fell in love with an addict and had no idea. And the person that addict is actually when exposed is not nice. The man you marry would love you enough to at least consider your feelings and try to change. He would want to get help, he would want to share intimacy. So he’s not that man. Could he become that man? Maybe but how long will you wait and how much hell will you go through wasting your time when mr perfect is out there waiting for you?
     
  8. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    353
    818
    93
    M in a PA is a dangerous, slippery slop IMO. I'd also worry that he'd end up treating fantasies of you like porn. He's not really with YOU while he does it. He seems unwilling to give that up and that worries me. There is no way I could stay with my BF if he hadn't been willing to stop all of it. I see real change in him and remorse. But you need to decide what you can and can not live with.
     
  9. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    While I don’t know your partners situation, root cause for addiction, or recovery process, it sounds like he hasn’t really started a recovery. Perhaps he has stopped using P, but the last few months sounds like he has been the equivalent of a dry drunk: ceasing the addictive behavior only knowing he can and will go back to it. About four years ago, my wife wanted me to stop P, I was resistant and full of excuses, but agreed to go along with it. I wasn’t willing to see it as a problem or an addiction, so as soon as the trial period without porn was up, I went right back into without so much as a thought as to what I was doing to myself or those I care about. I can never consider this a recovery, as I didn’t see the damage, didn’t do anything to correct behaviors, just waiting for a set time where I could do it again.
    A true path to recovery is admitting the hold the addiction has on oneself, it requires retrospective and introspective. It requires disclosure and honesty, to release the secrets and letting go of the lies. It requires continued efforts to have hard conversations about the addiction and its hold on oneself, open and honest communication. It requires letting go of the neurotic and self soothing behaviors that lead to a disconnected life. Even after six months of constant correction, healing, honesty and disclosure the urges and triggers are still there for me. Now that the brain fog is lifted, and I am conscious and fully aware of the addiction, these urges and triggers are much louder than they ever have been, even compared to early in the recovery process. I am thankful that they are so recognizable, so I can correct them appropriately and immediately when they happen, instead of indulging them ever so slightly. I can tell you the addiction is always there, and I fear will always wait for a moment of weakness to take control of ones actions, to repeat those patterns of self soothing and the routine of a disconnected life. To me any thoughts of Ming is the addiction still talking, a manifestation of not actually dealing with or confronting the problems that lead to self soothing behavior. Chances are while he may have stopped watching P, he has been using Psubs, or oogling, or scanning without correction, that is feeding the addiction and convincing him he needs to resort to continued edging or M.
     
    Werka likes this.
  10. 2132o

    2132o New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    Thank you everyone for the responses. He actually broke up with me today. He said the relationship is unhealthy because of my overreactions to things and inability to trust him. I have a history of sexual trauma. He said he thinks I need to go to counseling to that. I agree that I need counseling for my issues. But I wanted him to stick around and love me through that stuff like I was willing to love him through his addiction. I am heartbroken. He says he doesn't want to continue porn use even if we're not together. I feel like all of it is his addiction drawing him back. I am 5 years sober from drugs and alcohol. I currently work in a treatment center. I know what addiction looks like and that its a sneaky motherfucker that can lead us to not be honest with ourselves. I also know what recovery takes. I have been going to meetings because this painful situation makes me tempted to use. Anyway, I'm doubting that I will ever be able to trust again.
     
    HashMachine likes this.
  11. PersonalObjectives

    PersonalObjectives Fapstronaut

    89
    122
    33
    I'm very sorry to hear that. It sounds like you deserved better.

    However: as clichéd as it may sound, perhaps it's for the best.
     
    Numb likes this.
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    353
    818
    93
    I'm sorry you're going through this. But it really sounds like he wasn't ready to recover. It may be hard now but could be for the best in the long run. IMO you need to focus on yourself and your healing. I wish you the best.
     
    GG2002 and PersonalObjectives like this.
  13. HashMachine

    HashMachine Fapstronaut

    Very True in it's sense....Unbelievable, that you know a lot about men's addiction habits, what they are gonna do to turn themselves on. I would save this post for future use cause it's a serious eye-opener for me. I'm moved by your perceptive and would definitely change myself. I understand how women view men with PMO habits and it's seriously shameful that every time it's the women who has to give up for men. That's not done, we as men should understand women's perceptive more clearly, maybe they are correct.
     
    Jennica and GG2002 like this.
  14. Argh! So sorry to hear this, I do hope you're still clean & sober. You already recognise relapse triggers so it hasn't surprised you to discover he's using your problems as an excuse (he doesn't sound ready to stop - he hasn't lost enough yet). Your inability to trust him? What did he think was going to happen after he'd broken your trust? Trust isn't a decision or something you can buy. Trust has to be earned - even more so when it's been broken.
    Have you got any joint commitments (eg- marriage, children, living together)? It is really painful, no doubt. But if you choose to move on now, concentrate on healing and being kind to yourself, this present moment is the worst it's going to feel. Everything gets better from now on.
    However, if you both choose to save the relationship, please be careful how much emotional investment you put in. Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. And don't be surprised if he relapses - he doesn't sound like he's owning his problem. Merely, just directing it at you. That's not the sign of someone ready to tackle their addiction - whatever it is.
    You have a head-start in understanding addictions which will save you a lot of research time. Congratulations on 5 years too - I just made 8 months.
    Sending love n peace X
     
    Numb likes this.

Share This Page