Being "enough"?

If my husband read this he'd probably think I posted it. I'm in the same boat as you. I remit myself often it's not my fault. He'd be like this if it were anyone else. He had pied with the one other person he had one other time. Some days that's not enough and I still break down and cry. Its a daily struggle for me and I wish I could say it's gotten easier. I guess I just need more time.

 

I've been married for almost 12 years and what you said is exactly how I made my wife feel all those years. She caught me first time 10 years ago right after our first daughter was born, so after she caught me her self-esteem just went down. I did stop for awhile, but I never thought what kinda damage I did to her. I continue to ignore her and not being attentive. What I'm getting at is the only way for you to know if you enough is for him to show it to you. I don't want to make same mistakes I did in the past, we had 3 DDays. So not I try to show her what she means to me and I can see that it is hard for her, she likes what she sees, but at the same time, she afraid that I'll go back to my old ways. She also asked me if she is enough for me, not talking about love, or our marriage, or the years we've been together, just her sexually. I thought about and to me she is. I don't want to get into the details of my thought process, but while I was at work I thought about. In the end, it's up to him to show that to you.

 

I've felt like you and still do sometimes. But it has only been about 4 months since the latest and last DDay. Early on and over the years I've been consumed by that thought, am I good enough for him. I've asked him so many times over the years that very question and he always said yes. I've even told him that maybe we should break up so that he could find someone who was good enough for him, someone he didn't need to lie to. Hearing him say I am enough/I am what he wants means very little now, but his actions say much more than his words ever will. He is putting in the effort to stop P&M, he has had so many positive changes over the last couple of months. He seems happier, less stressed. But we are still working through this crap. There were many hard talks, and there will still be more to come. But we are helping each other and his actions are telling me what I need to know for the most part. If he wasn't putting in the effort, or wasn't supportive of my recovery I don't see it working.

 

This is such a hard topic. So much pain. And all of it warranted. There no way your pain isn't real and justified.

I just wish there was some way for the PAs and SOs to trade brains for a day. Neither side understands the other on this topic. In a way that is apparently unexplainable the guy brain just doesn't see it the way the SOs do. It's not denial. It's not just being stupid. The guys honestly don't see it as porn/1000s of women vs. wife. They might act that way... But it's not what's in their head or heart. And the SOs are not wrong to take it that way.

Like I said, maybe only a brain transfer would do it. I wish there was a way....

 

I don't know the answer, but just wanted to chime in and say I feel the same way. It doesn't matter if he says I'm enough now because clearly that wasn't the case for years. For me, the damage is done in that department, even if he doesn't act that way now.

 

I feel very similar and am unsure if I am enough. I honestly think I'll never know, and that is very saddening.

 

This is what I am fighting. Rationally I can see what you are saying and even agree but emotionally I can not agree. So I end up with two opposing thoughts/feelings going at war in my head. One that hurts me and one that helps(to a point anyway). That thought is seared into my being right now, I have to compete, but I can't. I have to be better but I am not. It is so confusing at times, and draining. This is something I am trying to work on, but it has hit something deep in me that I have always believed.

 

Yes, I read something once, I don't remember where... but that a husband's P use validates and confirms every negative thing you've ever thought about yourself. At least that is true for me. That's why it goes so deep, I believe.