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Starting again

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by gingeralan, Mar 18, 2018.

  1. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Oh man! I just can't believe this is so difficult.

    i have been a member for a while and have made around 20 days without pm. I think i might set up for no pmo, unless the o is from sex or other mutual act. I can't really get on with the masturbation element. it seems to encourage me back into negative habits.

    I am going through a divorce at the moment and some of the things that have been happening recently with that have properly set me on edge. i need to gain some control of my life again. I know how much better i felt after the periods of abstention u have done before. So I am going for no more PMO full stop. I intend to report back every week and if any events occur or thoughts of pmo i will get writing here. I definitely found writing a post used to help the feelings subside. Here is to no more PMO.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2018
    James1986 likes this.
  2. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    So 3 full days already! 4th at 10 tonight! Been an eventful few days, major rows with the soon-to-be ex wife. But I think that is sorted now.

    I had a great time at my Improv Comedy workshop. That has been a god send, its a long way away from my home town, and met some fantastic people! Always really invigorates me and lasts a good few days.

    Some of the discussions with the STB ex. have been playing on my mind today, but I have decided we just need to continue and get this done ASAP. I am looking to reduce my hours at work by the end of the year. I want to try starting a business, properly, so getting market research done and really analysing costs etc. I am sure it can and will work.It will just take time and effort on my part.

    I think this divorce has made me realise I gave up all my plans, hopes and dreams for her. This is something I must never do again. I must stick to the master plan. A woman is a compliment to this, never the subject of it!
     
  3. McAuleyCJ

    McAuleyCJ New Fapstronaut

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    I'm having to restart again, I had a 4 day streak, now back to day 1. But it's progress!
     
    gingeralan likes this.
  4. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Well past the 5 day point. Been looking at ways to change my lifestyle for the better. Been looking at business ideas etc. That would allow me to spend more time with my son and other activities. There may be an option to drop to part time hours at work which would be brill so this is something I am Persuing at the minute.

    On a train right at the moment and can feel some urges to PMO obviously not right here but can feel the start of what could be a session when I get back home. Meeting some friends though before going home so will have summat to eat then do my jobs in the house and the straight to the gym! I can’t sit about procrastinating or this will break my streak. Been a good 5 days so far tho.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2018
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  5. ClaudiaZ

    ClaudiaZ Fapstronaut

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    5 days for me would be terrific!
     
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  6. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Stick at it. This is day 7 and this has in the past been one of the days that has a high risk of relapse. I just totally filled my day today, I knew that if I just sat around I would give in.

    So took my son to the beach had a great time, got really messy and just had some fun! Then after dropping him back at his mothers I went straight to the gym, always a place of refuge for me. I love working out and it really helps me deal with both nofap and the issues I am going through I n this divorce.

    I did have some thoughts of using last night after he had gone to bed, but I am currently researching business product ideas so again I just threw myself wholeheartedly into that, and had an early night.

    I have found for me that I need to be busy, I work at in a very sedentary low activity job, but lots of responsibility and this really doesn’t help. I hope to transition into doing my day job part time mainly to spend more regular time with my son, but it will also give me the chance to really work towards creating a viable business.

    Keep at it Claudia, you can get there, just try and find something that you are really motivated by, I can’t recommend exercise and the gym highly enough.

    So I think that is day 7, fingers crossed for many many more fap free days.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2018
  7. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Well was fine till just now, gotta be up early to take my son to school. Urge almost irresistible now, and just started looking at escort sites (quite often a preamble to PMO).

    Picked up on it, but still feeling like I want to PMO. I got a few things to do this morning so hopefully I can ride this one.

    I thought yesterday was going to be the test, but feels like I was wrong.

    Stay strong people
     
  8. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Ended up resetting yesterday morning. Perfect storm and just PMO’d.

    Usual trigger, hanging around in my room, waiting, was ‘researching ‘ but I could’ve done that anytime.

    Need to get out and stay out as much as poss. Got a while before gym class so gone to cafe rather than wait it out at home.

    Need to keep myself busy, try and do more creative things.
     
  9. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    2 resets in two days now. Feeling a bit lonely even though I am socialising and things.

    I am worried I won’t get a hold of this thing. I have seen therapists but none of them seem to consider it a problem.

    I am not going to dwell too much but I think I need to get more present. I need to be busy and perhaps make the effort to only use my computer in communal areas.

    Mind u tho I did just PMO watching on my phone. I have tried filters in the past but tbh it’s too easy to override them. Well I am going to work on my sleep I think. If I can get that under control then I might stand a better chance.
     
  10. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    The last week I have felt really low. Dunno why, but just struggling to shake it. I think I will have to start daily gym again. I was concerned I was over doing it, it started with a sprained forearm which put me out of gym for a few weeks, then followed by the worst cold I have ever had. So I didn't exercise properly for around 5-6 weeks.

    I still kept up other hobbies, but it didn't quite work as well. I am going to see the family next week with my son. Sort of looking forward to it. I think a change of scene would be good for me. Feel like I am stagnating.

    I shall get some more product research done. I think if I can launch something within the next 2-3 months I will be very happy. I can see many opportunities just gotta narrow the field. I am going to continue generating ideas for the next week, then I will spend sometime evaluating them in more depth.

    I am the sort of person who needs things to work towards. I can't just coast. I get bored and miserable.

    I think the low of the last week is a combo of all these things. I also relapsed 3 times, which i did beat myself up for.

    But, I can't remember if it was on here or somewhere else I read it, I need to accept it as part of me. If I act with hatred, or disapproval, it is solely aimed at me, and is destructive. I need to understand that it is a coping mechanism I created during a period of extreme difficulty going through puberty, and getting bullied etc.

    Right now I do have lots of similar feelings. I need to contemplate these more, and allow them in and contemplate them deeply. Rather than just trying to gloss over the problem. This has allowed me to function much better than when I was younger, but the glossing over has limitations, I feel myself wanting to hide my true self away.

    I love the acting and improv comedy that I have started doing, and do feel much more grounded and connected with myself for days after a workshop. I need to adopt the attitude I have there into my everyday life.
     
  11. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    So just relapsed, I think I want to document how I felt in run up to this.

    I was feeling lonely and a little rejected. I was hoping to join the reserve armed forces but have found my eye sight is not good enough. I do feel sad that I need to wear glasses, I think they suit me and everything, but many things I want to try or experience have limits in eyesight correction! I need to look at this more deeply. I should be grateful that I can see, I should come to terms with this and accept it.I cannot change it so I must get over it. I need to stop ignoring my true feelings here, and come to terms with them. Perhaps some meditation on coming to terms with it would be a start.

    I think that me accepting myself for me is THE thing I need to do. I cannot keep with this self help crap of fake it till you make it. I can fake it till the cows come home. But I crumble when really put under pressure. I think this was my main motivator for joining the reserves. I wanted to be put in a situation that was pressured that I had to stick at, working with a close team and moving towards a common purpose.

    I think rejection and fear of failure are really what is behind how I am right now and how I feel about the world. I say I hate my job but I think deep down it is because I am concerned that at some point someone is going to come and say I can't do it anymore as my eyesight isn't good enough. I really need to understand this and feel the actual feelings, however illogical or childish, I have never done this, and always tried to just ignore it or just become an angry twat.

    Yeah, I need to understand those feelings more and be grateful for the opportunities and chances I have. Maybe the really important thing to meditate on is acceptance. Acceptance of me, my situation, other peoples imperfections, All of it.

    Today I had a really nice day at work, I didn't worry about losing the job or anything, just got on with it and really connected with the bits of the job I loved when I first started. It was nice to be in the moment. I can get myself there sometimes, but I just worry about opening up to people. I think this is due to my reluctance to accept me. I will meditate on this before I go to sleep.

    Long post, I dunno, I find it helpful to write it down, it seems to help me sort out the confused feelings in my head.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  12. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Feels nice to be in a different place. No need to contact the ex, been great just to be able to spend time with my son without having to think about work or anything.

    Actually had some really nice open conversations with my grandfather and my mum, looking at options, and how to proceed from here.

    I do think acceptance, even on the limited basis I have done so far, really has helped get things into perspective. Right now I almost don’t feel worried if I lost my job or whatever. I can now see that I can pursue other opportunities.

    I hope to try to get some acting work. Something unpaid has come up so I am intending to put my name forward for that. You never know, but I do really feel an adrenaline kick just from thinking about going for it, prob not get it, but you gotta be in it to win it.

    I gotta go for change.
     
  13. SpencerPoot

    SpencerPoot Fapstronaut

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  14. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Ah well. lost twice in two days.

    Mainly boredom I think, but the effect on my mental state was huge! Prior to first relapse was having great conversation with my grandad after my son had gone to bed, but after my relapse I was a lot more reserved, and kept looking at my effing phone!

    Right so. I see that it is an issue involving fatigue, boredom and filling that boredom with tech.

    Next time I will take gym gear and go for a run or to the gym at least once during a visit. I should also try to do a daily 'in-house' workout. I am going to ramp up the gym sessions again. Ideally daily, I think that I have let that drop away. Still regular, but not enough.

    This is the start now.
     
  15. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Just writing to avoid relapsing.

    Bored and going to work soon, could easily just watch some porn right now! I think I might try one of those pick up artist type courses, if you done one please let me know if your experiences.

    Again it’s just trying to put myself in different situations and hopefully flying with it.
     
  16. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Well, been a few relapses the last week. Been feeling kinda low so to be expected i suppose.

    I am trying to gain some more control of my mind again. I feel paralysed when it comes to meeting women. I think I am in danger of clouding that with my other hobbies and pass-times. I need to understand this comes from a place of trying to protect myself though.

    I am really bad for beating myself up. But i need to accept this as part of me and not get wound up by that either.

    Not really sure what I am writing really, reading it back its just some random thoughts that crossed my mind. I don't want to end up on a downward spiral so probably just leave this post now. If I edit I think I will get all negged out. I think I am just about getting to the idea of accepting things as they are.
     

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