Experiences with mother in laws of addicts

First, why is she involved at all? Why does she know?

Second, your husband needs to put his foot down and tell her to step out of your marriage. This should not be your fight. I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

 

It sounds more like the problem is that your husband refuses to grow up. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's time for him to do just that. He is an adult now, not a child that needs his mommy.

The only way to get her to back off is to have him stand up to her. I wish you luck on getting through to him.

 

Some people are close with their parents. My dad knows because I vent to him about it. He's given my helpful advice in the past. However, he never gets involved or says any to my pa husband though.

 

Same I talk to my parents about it but they don't get involved or speak to him about it

 

I understand this. My mother is the only one in our families who knows anything and that is because I can trust her to not judge or get involved.


I was mainly referring to her first sentence, which made me believe this was a regular occurrence.

I probably should have phrased that a little differently, however, this is an illustration on how difficult this particular addiction is. We can be so isolated and so desperately need support but it's difficult to know who to trust.

 

Hi Alice!

That's really tough. I've considered this and neither of our parents know. Not because they're bad family but discussing our sex problems is a bit weird to us. I'm not particularly close to my PA's mum but I certainly wouldn't take her interfering - it sounds like you don't appreciate it either. Not if you're uncomfortable with it. There's obviously an interest on her side so she couldn't be neutral if she tried. That doesn't mean her intentions aren't heart-felt but I agree that boundaries need to be stated, especially concerning feelings like this. I would have to be firm (if she brings the subject up again) and tell her I am not discussing my sex life with her. I'm a grown woman with valid feelings and it's my choice who I open up to.

Out of interest, what's your PA's view on this? Is he encouraging her to cover for him/side with him?

Sending love n hugs - one day, this too shall pass X

 

Hugs to you. Hopefully this experience will help him grow up.

Has he made an attempt to talk to her about stepping back?

 

Ahh. Do you think he'd be willing to have a word with her, quietly and with love, to ask her to step back a bit? That he now realises he should've maybe dealt with it a little differently in the beginning of his recovery? X

 

Speaking from some experience with this your husband may need to create some distance between him and his mother for a while. It won't be easy and she won't be happy but it may be the only way for you both to get the space you need.

She may be wanting to simply be a mother and protect her son, but this is something she can't do in a situation like this.

I had to do this for similar but different reasons.

 

I can relate. Except the addiction we shared with her was alcoholism. So we withheld the part about porn after seeing how she reacted to him not drinking.

Great that he’s seeing a therapist! Then the point of view is objective and someone who is experienced with dealing with these issues.

Agreed wholeheartedly. I can say that my SO speaking up for me and setting boundaries with his mother vastly improved both my sense of safety and his steps toward recovery. And it definitely was not easy.

She would call all the time so he would tell her, “Sorry, now is not a good time. We’re (making dinner/doing chores) but it would be nice to talk to you. I’ll call you in a few days.” Then if she called before a few days were up he let it go to voicemail.

Yes, she gave him the guilt trip and tried shaming him into thinking he’s not letting her care and love him (hmmm wonder why he has communication and honesty issues) but he stopped that too. He pointed out, “If you’re so worried because you can’t get ahold of me, you know I’m always with my wife if I’m not at work. You can try calling her, she’ll know where I am and whether or not I’m busy.” And she knows if she calls me I don’t put up with that crap.

She tried it years ago before we were married and I told her (because I was in my 20s and thought I knew everything), “What you’re doing is dysfunctional and emotionally abusive. My parents don’t even guilt trip and shame me so why would I allow someone I don’t know very well to do that to me. I’ve taken a psychological class, been to therapy and my parents went to therapy so I know exactly what you’re trying to achieve, it’s selfish of you and I don’t respond to that behavior.” Honestly, that my SO stood up for me back then was one of the reasons I married him. He politely told me I could have said it a little nicer to his mom (and I could have phrased it more respectfully). He assertively told her to take it or leave it. Everytime she would try to pit him against me, he told me and I confronted her. “So I understand I hurt your feelings and gave you the impression I don’t want your son talking to you. Please tell what I did to give you this impression because that wasn’t my intent and I will work toward making sure I’m more clear in the future.” All of the sudden it was my spouse that “misunderstood” her. Never her fault of course and it took about a year, but it put a stop to the shit talking.

I also gave my MiL this when my SO told her he wasn’t drinking until he could get his act in order and figure of the root of his anger and depression (really PMO addiction).

https://www.hazelden.org/web/blog-p...good-for-your-addicted-loved-one.5003069.view

I let me MiL know that it helped me to be able to give him the space he needed but still be supportive and let him know I’m there for him. I told her I hoped she would also find it useful and I was glad that my SO had so much love surrounding him that I’m sure with our support he would be okay. And (as much as it pained me) I let her know she could always reach out to me to see how he was doing and I would be forthcoming (with my SO consent and knowledge of course).

Good luck to you @AliceIce! Hope there are others beside us IRL to be supportive and helpful while you are going through this. Best wishes!