Solosexual

If a person's sexual orientation were determined by the sheer frequency of the type of sex they had, I'd be a solosexual. I've had more sex with myself than with any other person, bar none. Another way to put it is I'm narcissexual: I'm attracted to sex with the person I see in the mirror. Not that I'm the world's best-looking person. I'm just the only one I know who'll never turn down my sexual advances. There's not a whole lot of fear of rejection when I make my move. Talk about safe sex as far as my ego is concerned. I'm always turned on and can never be turned down. Sex by myself is always consensual.

I have to hand it to myself sexually. I'm the most knowledgeable partner I've ever had in the sack. I had more sex with myself in a year than I could have in a lifetime with others. Nobody knew just how to push all my right buttons like I did. When it came to knowing what I liked in bed, it was like we shared the same mind. I loved it when I talked dirty.

There just wasn't a whole lot of future in me as a couple. Marrying yourself is still illegal, and besides the fantastic sex, a relationship with myself was kind of one-sided. Eventually I stopped returning my phone calls. Finally, when our fights in restaurants started to draw stares, I had to break things off with myself.

But my long history of solosexuality did teach me an important lesson. Having sex with myself, no matter how incredibly happy, is always kinda sad.