Almost Relapsed After 251 Days...

Holy....

I never thought I would get so close to relapsing, but I just did about twenty minutes ago...

I have recently had a big boost of confidence. I believed in myself again, and I felt like I could conquer the World! Unfortunately, yesterday tragedy struck my family.

Last year, before I joined NoFap, my young Aunt passed away. It was a major blow to the entire family. When she had passed away, I was about 2 months clean from PMO (yes, before I joined NoFap), but a few days after her passing I relapsed. I guess I was searching for some escape or excitement during the gloomy time.

Yesterday, my Great Aunt passed away. She was a sweet old lady. Always dishing out compliments and jokes, she died of a stroke in the hospital. Never got to say good bye.

So this morning I woke up with a certain mind set that seemed oddly familiar to me. I woke up very hungry for sex. I began fantasizing about myself and my female friends, and all sorts of stupid stuff. And I did something I am not proud of... I watched Nicki Minaj's Anaconda music video. Not the whole thing, but still. I was sooo ready to go...

I decided to go pee, and see if that would change anything (???). When I urinated I could tell that my penis was filled with semen...

So I came back to my bed. My mind was completely set on relapsing. I thought to myself, "Are you sure you want to fail your fellow fapstronauts?" "Do you want to relapse after 250 days?" "How could I relapse with masturbating or watching porn?" Yeah.... I know...

Then, I finally thought to myself... "Maybe you should pray, then see if you feel the same after..." I got on my knees, prayed to Our Lord that I could be blessed, got up and felt better.

Did I sin? Absolutely. I need to talk to my Pastor about it later on. Did I relapse? Under the circumstances... no... but I was a hair away from actually relapsing. I was on the verge of discharging, I didn't actually grab myself, I did watch a raunchy music video though. I was so damn close. Thank God I made it.

I am glad this day happened. It's a reminder to always be on guard from evil, especially when your family is going through the loss of a family member.

Well. Tonight I am going to start reading different inspirational works. I am also going to start reading my old journal I wrote in when I first started abstinence.

The moral of the story is: Nicki's songs are absolutely terrible, and you should never watch the music videos if you are abstaining from PMO, Never let your guard down, and pray. Always pray, day and night, and especially through hardships. Never forget Our Lord!

~Squeaky Soul

 

I never want to get that close ever again! When this all happened I watched a raunchy video, I stimulated myself a tiny bit (edged), and I wanted to discharge sooo bad. Thanks you guys for the support.

Aryangor... long time, no see

~Squeaky Soul

 

Thanks guys. Yeah, my mind was dead set on relapsing. I thought about what a disappointment it would be to you guys, and that helped a little, but I really needed God's help.

Thanks again!

~Squeaky Soul