The beginning of a new chapter...

Hello all. I thought I try this - path, as the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I do not know how long it will last, but I'll see what I can do. The goal (number of days until PMO) I've set for myself is going to be super light weight.

My story:
Like some of you, I've become addicted to porn and I do not want it to have such influence over me. I'm in my mid 30s and I have not had any "actual" relationship (that part is extremely difficult to express in public).

My addiction came about as a way for me to avoid contact with girls and women, due to my social anxiety issues - well, it isn't completely clear cut. As I grew older I do interact with them and had some kind of relationship (yes, the awfully termed "friendzoned"). One lasted for several years, which I may go into detail in further journal entries.

I think, ultimately my sexual desires or just the mere desire to be part of a companionship led me to a wall of sort. One which I constructed myself. What I'm trying to say is that I encountered a fear so powerful, it haunted me in my dreams and stalked me during my waking hours.

The pornographic materials allowed me to satisfy my urges, without fear of rejection and embarrassments (from the downloaded participants), if only for a short amount of time. Yes, it is a drug like effect - the cravings for the next "high" is there, lurking in the very corner of my mind, always ready to consume my thoughts - to seek out the next exciting material.

Unfortunately, they also serve as a way for me to escape the stresses of life in general.

Reason for doing this (NoFap):
It's not about being some kind of chick magnet or "getting" more girls.
It's not about a power trip or achieving some kind of idealised mainstream concept of masculinity.
Nor is it for religious reason.
It's not even really about building my confidence, conquering my fears or forcibly controlling my desires.

It is about living with my desires (even my fears), not letting it overwhelm and consume me.
It is about trying to live and build towards my values in life.


As I said in the beginning, I do not know how long this journey will last, but I guess I'll give it a try and see where it leads me.

 

Thanks and thank you for your support, Sonu1983.

I can't believe how long this feels. It's only been a day or so and I'm starting to think about those things already. I also have an overactive imagination, so it doesn't help much.

My thoughts are driffting back to the times of my failed attempts at relationships, and that's driving me to the side where those other things lie.

I'm at work at the moment, so it's not too bad. It only starts to bother me when I leave.

All the best to you, Sonu1983 and everyone.

 

It hasn't been a good day at work today. I finally got home and I'm really tired. I realised (more so) how I used to just indulge in my vices to take my mind off the stress from work (amongst other things). I guess it's sort of like how some people might de-stress with excessive consumption of alcoholic drinks (maybe?).

After reading through a post (as suggested by one of the people here) - it more or less confirms my thoughts about the matter, which is a good thing. Plus it gave me some more understanding. I'm glad I read it. Thanks.

The withdrawal symptoms are something that I'm not sure how I'll be able handle.

I also want to clarify something about my post. When I said about living with my desires - I don't mean the porns. I mean, my (I supposed, natural) desires toward those I find attractive.

However, before I can even begin to do that, I need to disconnect my addiction of porn, because it is setting certain expectations that is unrealistic and ridiculous. That stuff is building an impossible and terrible perception of what is a desirable and attractive person. I don't want to sound like a guy on his high horse, but I guess that's the best way I can put it. I'm not even sure what I find naturally attractive any more at this point.

I fear that if I continue to want more - to get "higher" of such things - I might become disillusioned and unsatisfied in a real relationship (if I manage to have one). One of the values I'm trying to follow is not to simply consume everything unendingly, but hopefully to give something back to my community in a constructive way. This addiction goes against my values or at least disrupt it in an indirect manner.

In the coming days or weeks of my journey, I think I may sound very repetitive.

Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night and I suddenly had a thought about one of the "performers", but I did not further engage with the thought. It faded away.

I did have a dream and it wasn't about the "performer". It was about the woman that left my life. (The dream isn't physically intimate or sexual).

In the dream, I think I was in a busy office. I can sort of see bright light on one end, like the sunlight was glaring in. She stood close by. I was surprised, but I felt somehow comforted. It was a short conversation, but I couldn't quite tell.

I only remembered her saying something like, "It's okay. I'm here."

I asked if she was going away or returning to somewhere else.

She answered with a smile, "No, I'll be here."

Around that time, I woke up and I knew straight away it was a dream. I didn't feel a crushing sadness, but who knows in the coming days. I know the mixed feelings were all just in my mind and it's not real. It was just my mind yearning to be with her again or someone else.

And no, I don't feel like escaping back to P again, nor do I want to actively imagine the dream in other scenarios or further details.

 

I've noticed some return in energy and more time. Though, the withdrawals are kicking in. I was out shopping over the weekend and the weather is warming up. I'm sure you can imagine what that means in regards to what people wear (I do not blame them). The issues also appeared when I go to work and during work.

There were many times I had to avert my eyes and put conscious effort of thinking about something else, like where to go and what to do next.

The other problem is that my selective (unconsciously) memories of certain people are starting to invade my thoughts. Unfortunately, they are triggers.

 

Finished work for the week, but had an issue this morning (non pmo related) when a senior staff warned me for making personal calls this morning. My fault, but I thought the workload was calmed and I could work at the same time. I know, I still shouldn't have done it.

The problem is that another senior person was also on the phone about personal matters for much longer than I, but they didn't get a warning. Another guy was yammering away. Frustrated at the bias.

Other than that I'm a bit congested from the cold, but getting better.

I'm in a bit of a strange spot with this no pmo journey. I sometimes feel like the withdrawals are increasing, other times I sort of feel okay.

Then there are times I feel empty. I think this is due to the lack of other pursuits in my life and once pmo is taken away, it sorts of highlight the time wasted when it was there and how vacuous and hollow my life (with and without pmo) really is.

 

A couple of nights back, I woke up with a sort of a panic attack - not sure if I can call it that. Again, it was about the person I thought who was a friend. I was overwhelm with regret, sadness, fear and self loathing. Though, I have since felt much better (in relation to that situation).

However, the fantasies are starting to seep through, but I try my best to not engage with them and just let them "float" pass, so to speak. It is rather difficult now, just about anything can be triggers and they seemed to be "enhanced" or "emphasised" with each passing day. When I say anything can be triggers, I'm talking about even the most seemingly innocent things, like people's names, words and places.

What makes it even more frustrating is that I start to notice more of suggestive and blatantly sexualised advertisements. I'm not sure I want to blame them - that's a whole can of worms - as in a very debatable societal issue. But, I don't want to blame people who dress a certain way that may arouse me. That's their decision and their life.

It's very easy to play the blame game. I don't want to blame myself either, I'm done with doing that. Believe me, I can keep picking on myself and my flaws until the end of time, but it's pointless. I just want to pick myself up and keep moving forward.

Just now, I wrote something in another thread related to PMO and fantasy MO. I'm not sure I made much sense. My journey, as it is now involves no PMO, fantasy MO and MO. How long will this last, I do not know. I cannot say for certain these things will be completely resolve.

How can it? The seed of desire is there. I suspect there are those who are in loving relationships who still fantasise about other people, so such thoughts may exist in me. No, this is not an excuse to return to a PMO/fantasy MO lifestyle, nor do I try to somehow drip feed the addiction in smaller portions. That's like taking illicit drugs every Tuesday only. I can't and shouldn't bargain with addictions, because there is no "win win".

The current objective is to lessen the addiction of PMO and fantasy MO, by not feeding it. The flame of desire may be there, but I don't have to throw kindling into it. My fear, however is how long can I keep going with this journey, given the state I am in.

 

Thank you both, evildiesel and hope96. I appreciate the support. Thank you for the link as well, I will try to get to it as soon as I can. I wish you guys the best too. You're making great progress!

 

Transmutation

I've just had an initial read through on the first half of the chapter (the link on sex transmutation). Quite an interesting perspective. I noticed it was written by Napoleon Hill and was a tad surprised at first, but then I realised it somehow made sense that he wrote it. Plus, someone had mention about this before in the forum I think, which was why it seemed familiar.

From my understanding, transmutation requires quite a bit of willpower to convert the sexual desires to a creative force for constructive purposes. Also, the idea of the desires being part of us and that suppressing them instead of transmuting them, can lead to other "physical channels" seems to speak to me. I would assume, those things include PMO.

What I'm still trying to understand is the idea about "vibrations". I suspect, he meant that if we utilise our energies properly, we can have a perspective that isn't obscured by pointless things, thus allowing us to be more creative.

I just need to figure out how to focus my mind and draw upon the build up of this energy.

 

Day 18: Lunch with a colleague

Be forewarn, the following story can be pointless and cringe worthy.

I went out to lunch with a colleague, whom I've become interested in. We've been before, but today, it was for an occasion of sort. The night before, I felt trepidation and dreaded the experience. Most people would look forward to it.

Though, it started off fairly okay, she became curious about me, because I had always been the one asking her questions. I generally, do not like talking about myself. I have talked to her about what my interests are, but nothing too emotionally personal and specific. The problem was, she asked me about my past relationship.

I could not tell her that I did not have one - not a real one at least - not the half friendship, half something else relationship. I had in the past said to her, I was in a relationship and it didn't work out. Though, now she wanted to know about the woman I'd been with.

I told her she was a nice person, conscientious and driven. Somewhere along the line (I do not remember if it was her that asked or I that gave up on the information) - she left me without saying why. I guess, my colleague wanted to know what our relationship was like and I couldn't quite explain it, so it all sounded very vague. She commented why I didn't fight for her. I added somewhere before or after that comment - we grew apart or she didn't feel like she was growing along with me.

At this point, I felt weak, vulnerable and foolish for speaking so much and perhaps making things worse. She wanted to know, because she explained I needed to open up in order to make friends or something to that effect.

Now, usually, with similar experiences, I would feel like lying down and ruminating the whole thing over and over again. Most probably, I would beat myself up about it. 18 days into my NoFap/pmo journey, I feel that I hadn't spiralled so dramatically. Sure, I still worry about it , feel annoyed about it and I'm somewhat tired, but it doesn't feel as bad, if that makes sense.

At some point, I did think about going back to PMO, but I didn't. I reasoned that I might feel good for that one moment, then what? I would feel even more tired and maybe increase the awful feelings.

I hope this resilience and perseverance grows and helps me cultivate myself.

 

If you're reading this, I want to caution you that the following can sound very depressing and if that is something you don't want to encounter, that's fine. I can understand and empathise with those that are sensitive to such things.

I do not wish to sound negative or self destructive - this is a way for me to analyse my problems.

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It has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride (not the fun kind) for the last few days (weeks?). Emotionally, mentally and physically, I've encountered some highs and lows.

I've had a few thoughts I wanted to put down here, but my mind is more scattered than usual, so I might try to regather some of them later.

Friday, I was out for a special family occasion. Though, it was meant to be a very happy moment, hours later, I felt a profound sense of sadness. Without going into details, I realised, things will change a lot in my life (as well as my families). It set some things in perspective.

In the last couple of days, I've had some serious fatigue issues - I was very exhausted and felt ill. My throat was dry and scratchy and I was super tired most of the time. I would wake up in the morning and then after an hour or two later, feel like I need to nap, which I had to. I would wake up and then feel tired again.

Emotionally, I've been all over the place. Before the fatigue monster hit me, on one day, I went shopping and feel like I'm super energised. I felt like I was walking taller and didn't really care what people think of me. I mean, I'm usually worried and self concious. Little did I know, my mind sort of crash later in the night.

I had worrying thoughts that sort of sat between waking and asleep, almost appearing as nightmares. When I'm really stress and restless, I tend to have sleep paralysis nightmares. Those can get really frightening. But, these thoughts appeared more like terrible visions rather than nightmares. I knew my mind conjured them up due to my worries. I applied some present minded techniques, like focusing on my breathing and let those images play in the background. I don't try to fight against it or feed it. Eventually, it sort of went away.

But, I got up feeling drained. My interpretation of the visions or my subconscious messages was that I have become fearful of women. Now, this and my general fatigue can be due to a number of things:

- General work stress, as I'm learning something new and the boss has a crazy expectation at times and I'm not fully recharged.

- It's Spring/Summer here and I could have allergies, so my immune system could be messed up.

- The build up of anxiety toward the work colleague - when I said I had minimised on my rumination, it doesn't seem to be the case.

- My withdrawals are kicking up a notch and they really want me to crawl back. It's as if they're saying, hey look, you're stress, why don't you come back.

- Or there is some kind of guilt from my PMO experiences that is bubbling up from my subconscious.

Or it is all of the above.

At the moment, I'm well rested and seem to be calm. We'll see how I go.
Also, I think I'll move to the journal section very soon.