Here we go again SOs, should the addict disclose his addiction or hide it?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 16, 2018.

  1. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    Wait a minute here - what are you calling "bad behavior" that you don't put up an excuse for? A woman having a child out of wedlock? A woman choosing not to have kids at all? Please someone tell me what is a WOMAN'S bad behavior that you don't put up an excuse for!
     
  2. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    @Numb, the shame men get from using porn comes from religion, like Christianity. It also comes from parents. Sure, your diabetes isn't fair, but you aren't SHAMED for having diabetes!
     
  3. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    Ok. Thank you. Good example. Of course, there aren't forums with men saying how their wife gaining some weight is a terrible act of betrayal, but you're right, women get fat-shamed or thin-shamed. Although I don't know a single fat, pretty girl who has trouble getting a guy. And if I was shamed as a guy by society for having a big belly, and yet women wanted me sexually, I wouldn't give a rat's ass that society was trying to shame me.
     
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    353
    818
    93
    I don't follow religion so I have nothing to say there. Parents? Maybe, but I would bet you many fathers use porn themselves. But if you are going by only one to two groups anything can be shamed. Society as a whole doesn't shame over it.
    Are you so sure about not being shamed for being diabetic? Many people blame the diabetic for getting it. Many people shame the diabetic for having to eat certain things at certain times or not being able to eat something.
     
    TheGoldenEra and Jennica like this.
  5. TheGoldenEra

    TheGoldenEra Distinguished Fapstronaut

    OK I'm gonna scrap the hypotheticals and the different perspectives.

    Here's what I would personally do. If and when I find the girl I really want to marry (I'm religiously inclined so therefore I'm not into anything outside of the legal bind but anyway) But if she liked me too, and was interested in pursuing the relationship. This is of course important because I don't really want to be telling every woman about my past. But the "one" I would let her know, I believe I did mention exs in my previous post but that is something I want her to know before moving forward. I've never had a girlfriend etc (it's complicated I'll skip it) But those are things that can have a big impact on our relationship therefore she deserves to know. Even if she isn't willing to accept me for it, it's fine. I'm sure there'll be someone who will accept the "darkness behind the beauty"

    Apologies if my views seem naive, I'm still very young :p
    Have a lovely day! :D
     
    GG2002 and Jennica like this.
  6. TheGoldenEra

    TheGoldenEra Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Honesly you can't really say. You have no idea what she's been through, maybe she was bullied for it. So please don't act like you know someone off a few sentences they write. And politeness is key my friend. Treat others how you wish to be treated yourself, here and irl.

    ...women are as susceptible to PA as men. So you can't say it's a fact that because we are men were more likely to be hooked.

    https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.rightstep.com/addiction/women-susceptible-porn-addiction-men/amp/

    Well said!! We're a community of addicts, some long term addicts, some short term and some SO's of the addicts. But If we accepted our faults (not the SO's of course) and rather than blaming statistics or gender we could channel that energy to help improve ourselves as well as others. So to all the SO's and addicts stay strong! Eventually these struggles will pass too.
     
  7. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    Yes, I can. A significant majority (much >50%) of men use porn regularly, while a minority (<50%) of women do. So even if the same percentage of male users get hooked as female users, that means a much higher percentage of males get hooked on porn than women.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2018
  8. jyvais

    jyvais Fapstronaut

    284
    1,040
    123
    I read the whole thread and dude, you need to stop this ... it's annoying and a waste of time. We heard your point over and over. It's ok, we get it ... get your own thread and discuss your insecurities there but please stop.

    Now let's move on ... If I told my wife about my "compulsive behavior" in the beginning of our relationship, she would have made the choice on her own and maybe I would not be here today because I enabled my addiction to get much worse. I like to imagine that I passed on a great opportunity to fix the problem. It's very possible we would not be married but she would not suffer because of me ... I'm a PA, I lied to my wife for 25+ years of marriage. The damage I've done is considerable. Honestly, if I was in her shoes, I would seriously contemplate leaving. In fact, I know she already did in some way. No matter what we do now, I can't change what's done but I won't lie again and need this nonsense out of my life once for all.
     
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Thank you for your comment. I think this thread has provoked some great conversation and debate on what is clearly a topic that hits home with all those struggling with or hurting as a result of a pmo addiction. My intent was to discuss whether failing to disclose to a potential partner is something that could ever be acceptable or end well. It was not that I did not understand why an addict would not tell I do. Or why people are pmo addicts I also understand all of those reasons. Rather it was to obtain stories or experiences where addicts had withheld and the outcome was good. And by good I don’t mean just that the SO did not leave. I meant good in the sense that no pain was caused as a result and I have yet to see anyone post that. Why one chooses to pmo or the “excuses” for why he or she can’t stop is not relevant in the discussion of when or if to tell. The theory seems to be that if an SO adopts the belief that the pmo addiction is due to the addicts gender that the SO will be okay with the information being withheld or more understanding but I just don’t think that holds true. It certainly does not for me. In fact blaming it on gender and not taking responsibility to me personally would make it worse. So debating it in this context is to me a whole lot of “so what?” How is it helpful? Where does it get us? How does it make you a better person or aid in your recovery?

    It’s like the record is stuck on one line or one song just repeating it over and over and as a result you never get to hear any of the other songs which are often more beautiful than the one you are stuck on.
     
  10. You've got nothing to question yourself about, it was a perfectly reasonable new thread, looking to get certain info from a certain demographic ("SOs" are even in the title). Then it got hijacked by a different demographic. It's a shame because there are some knowledgeable, recovered PAs that could've used honest empathy to contribute to an informed and insightful answer. The 1 or 2 idiot PAs lets them down. Those that have put in the work to recover. Anyway, peace out.
    And well played, girl X
     
  11. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    Ummm ... I disagreed with you, saying that I CAN say that men get hooked on porn more than women. Are you conceding that you are incorrect? I don't understand why you went off on to something else.
     
  12. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    I'm just making valid points. No need to tell me I have the ID "10 T". (Lol)
     

Share This Page