Will the memories of the dark fringe porn I’ve seen go away?

ive been looking at porn since I was 10 years old. My first was a stack of hustler magazines. When p2p file sharing was born I was about 12, and was able to download all sorts of porn. Since then My addiction has progressed and I’ve seen some disturbing genres, which have molded what I find sexually intriguing. I’ve been PMO FREE now for 11 days.

In the past when feeling depressed or anxious I would end up on PMO binges where I would edge my orgasm sometimes for up to a week, and the porn would inevitably get more and more fringe. This type of pattern went on over the last 10 years. After the week of edging I would invariably feel shame and know deep down in my gut that this isn’t who I am and I want to stop, only to do it again a few months later.

Now that I’m PMO free, I still have those thoughts and I’m especially extra anxious and depressed at times. This is when my imagination kicks in and I can remember what porn I’ve looked at. I do my best to ignore these thoughts and after about 5 minutes they pass. they can also be triggered if I’m out in public too and see someone walking by, especially with the nice weather. It’s not a huge urge, just an internal thought that I wish didn’t enter my thoughts.

Will these thoughts go away? Will there ever be a time when i will be able to unsee the things I’ve seen or at least not have them be connected to a sexual PMO thought?

 

Thanks.

Correct, I want sexual thoughts to remain, but yea, I want them to normalize and not be a constant fringe fetish thought.

Also, what I mean is if there’s a certain fetish that currently turns me on will it one day not? For example let’s say I have a super unhealthy foot fetish and when I walk down the street I get super obsessed and can’t help but stare at everyone’s feet. And I have the mental obsession that kicks in about feet and start to daydream and then start to think about all the foot fetish porn I’ve seen. Will there be a day when I can walk down the street and see feet and not get bent out of shape? Will that always be there?

Basically, if put in a situation currently get my sexual thoughts stirred up, will there be a time in the future that I won’t get sexually arroused by the same situation?

 

Thanks, I went to an SAA meeting last night and someone also said this same thing. That there are things he looked at that now 2 years later doesn’t turn him on and he said it frankly disgusts him now.

So at least there’s hope.

For me I remember a moment in my porn career where I was looking at a page full of thumbnail pics all the same genre, then one thumbnail pic mixed in was of a different u appealing genre. After 4-5 times of seeing it I eventually clicked on it. And then It became a genre I started looking at.

Some genres were there super early on since I was in middle school since the p2p sharing kinda decided what was in a download. So I was exposed early on to certain things and it’s hard to diferentiate between my puberty change and my porn.

I guess as I continue on this path I will learn more.

 

Thanks! Very good message of hope.

How long has it been for you?

Today is day 12 for me, so I’m still dealing with withdraw.

 

Really cool!! Can’t wait for the journey to continue for me. Today I woke up earlier than normal and I usually have a huge panic and depression, but today I feel 10% less depression and panic than normal. I think it’s working!

 

Lol thanks! Appreciate the help. Yeah I’ve been trying hard to reroute my thoughts when something pops into my head. It’s a work in progress.

It’s especially difficult when driving around and I see people in summer clothing. Hard to not stair and then start daydreaming about it. I keep trying to not turn my head. I say 50% of the time I force myself to not look.

(Btw I understand in general looking at people is a normal part of life, but right now it completely triggers me, so I’m trying to avoid it until my sex drive is re-wired)