Where I'm currently at in my journey..

Hello fapstronauts! I hope everyone has been living positively and enjoying this thing called life.

I just wanted to lay out my current situation and my approach to getting better/healing my M/O addiction. I suffer from PIED or maybe MIED and have been unable to get aroused in real sexual situations. Porn was never a huge problem for me (although i did consume it semi regularly out of boredom) imagining unrealistic fantasies of cheating/being cheated on/betrayal and other anxiety producing fantasies have been my vice as well as the only thing that can sexually excite me. I have realized that this is an unhealthy way to be sexually excited and have stopped entertaining those sorts of thoughts/fantasies + eliminating any sort of porn from my mental diet as well as cutting out the M/O.

Some of you may remember a post a had made a few months back when I had my first real wakeup call of being sexually incompetent, and unable to perform in a situation where I had tons of opportunities and many locals girls who were interested in me (and myself in them) but I found myself unable to get an erection when a real woman was in front of me and ready to go. (I was traveling in Colombia at the time and many of the women were incredibly beautiful so this was particularly shocking and scary for me) I began my nofap journey at the end of my trip and pathetically only lasted 14 days (lost focus and started to tell myself that MO wasn't the problem and that I just need to "be normal" everyone MOs sometimes...the problem is, normal people MO to the thought of having normal"ish" sex.. Im not able to get aroused from the thought of normal sex) ...so I relapsed quite a few times over the course of a week or so until I was so disgusted with my hopeless self that I cried for hours. I promised myself that I'm not going to do that anymore.


Fast forward a few weeks I'm on Day 20 something.. maybe 21 maybe 22 I don't really care as the specifics aren't particularly important. I've been in a flatline since the chaser effects of my last M/O sessions went away so probably since about day 5. M/N wood is a rarity and when it does happen, its quite weak. My lack of libido has my mood a bit lower than I would like but I understand that its a necessary part of the journey. I'm at a point now that M/Oing is about as appealing as sex itself (not very much at all) so I have no fear of being tempted to relapse. Part of that is scary and part of that is comforting to know that "Im in this for good now."

Some small steps that I've taken to help improve my recovery time.

- regular exercise (has always been a part of my life but Im making sure to stay consistent especially now)

-Healthy eating (lots of vegetables/ water etc)

- short meditation sessions (its hard to really stay focused on nothing but Im trying)

- Limiting my caffeine intake to just the morning so my sleep quality is better

- Haven't jumped on the cold shower train yet but would love for someone to explain why they think its a worthwhile endeavour when it comes to recovery. Im willing to incorporate it if people have seen good results.

So I know there are many different schools of thought on how to reboot and rewire properly, Some say that you have to bite the bullet and suffer/heal alone for extended periods of time (Ive heard people say they plan to heal for 350-500 days before even attempting to get involved with a woman) I respect that method, but for me that seems like a long, lonely stint which would likely send me into a deeper depression if extended too long.. depression and high libido don't necessarily mix so Im hesitant to go that route. If available I would think that interacting and possibly dating women would be the best way to take back control of my brains reward systems even if it only works slowly. If you can see a girl semi regularly (not for sex attempts) but for talking, flirting, maybe kissing/touching etc would that not be a good strategy to try and get your sexuality back to normal?

Theres a girl that I've been seeing for the past week or so (had 3 fun dates so far and we're really getting along) I'm not a terribly awkward person so the social side of dating is not a huge problem for me. (my reason for starting nofap is my ED issues not awkwardness although I feel slightly less awkward now) She's pretty, quite well educated, and wholesome and she doesn't seem like the type to rush to bed. I'm thinking if I can keep dating her casually (holding off on full blown sex until I feel more confident in my abilities) and slowly start enjoying her little quirks maybe that can redirect my sexual energy in the right direction.

Has anyone had any sort of success with dating/flirting/kissing early on in the reboot process? I understand that I must be patient and that this problem can take awhile to improve but I really want to be proactive and go out there and at least TRY to enjoy the company of a woman.

I apologize about the long post.

Thanks so much if you managed to get through it!

Lets continue to heal together,

Matt

 

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