Hello everyone I am really struggling here!

I have been married for 7 years to my spouse together for 8 we have 3 children together. I have caught my spouse many times hiding and lying about porn. The first time was a few months after living together I discovered fetish porn. He did tell me he had a foot fetish while dating but didn't go into detail. I wasn't off put about it I was thinking oh he likes feet, no big deal. Well he always had problems get aroused for sex and staying aroused I thought maybe it was nerves because I was his first but as the years grew on I starting thinking it could be something else. He wouldn't want to have sex with me which was hard because I had a low drive. He always made claims that maybe it was his weight, or his depression, also a few times in anger when asked he said I was bigger than I used to be and not as attractive. So a year later after having my second daughter I lost over 100lbs I was feeling sexier I thought but still no interest in me. Then two years later I discovered he was deeply into BDSM too. I have never been one to snoop out of jealously or ask him where he has been what has he been doing constantly. But occasionaly out of curiousity I would take a look at his phone to see why he is up so late. Well last December I discovered he was watching porn at least once every day looking at sites like wikifeet and even downloaded but didn't use a BDSM dating app this was only two months after I had given birth to my son our last child. I felt so betrayed because I always trusted him I realized he had watched porn every once in a while but he basically starting replacing me with it. Ignoring my advices , not wanting to perform or be present in sex etc. Naturally I confronted him I wasn't combative or anything but this was the 3rd big lie about this I caught him in. We got in a big fight but tried to work it out. I decided to try out the things he liked but it never was enough it was constantly something else I had to try to make him interested and it became all about him and never about me. Well he slowly went back to isolation and aggravation no matter what I did. I then discovered that after stopping porn he was sneaking fast food and alcohol at an all time high spending large amounts of money on it when we were going broke and I didn't know what the hell was going on. So I was hurt and I kindly asked him to stay with family for awhile so I could cool down so he did. While he was gone we had a lot of big fights but sometimes things were really good on both ends. When we would have sex he had no trouble performing and even starting intiating we were finally able to have just plain casual sex and both enjoy it. He loved on me more touched me more etc. Well again he came back home and slowly phased out mentally again. My mother just died a month ago and now I need him and he cant be there for me. He still hasn't watched porn but I discovered he was replacing porn with watching women in music videos that had a lot of leg, tights, heels, and feet clips in them. He tried to brush it off like I was crazy but then addicted he was watching them for arousal but swears he didn't masterbate but who knows. I hate being the type of person to throw out accusations but with what I have been through and how long I know him I do because I am tired of him making me feel stupid. I calmly tried to talk to out but the projection and lying had me angry I called over a neutral party to talk to us and calm me down. They asked him if he wanted his freedom to do these things more than our marriage and he said no they asked him if he was even in love with me and found me attractive he said yes they asked him if he wanted to try to make it work and he said yes. I am still at a loss though. Am I unfair or judgemental because I no longer want to engage in these sex acts that are out of my character? and I don't mean it takes poor character to do them I mean that I am not a domineering person who enjoys inflicting pain. Is BDSM and fetishism even possibly to overcome? Not in a sense it won't be there but your presence for your lover can grow stronger than your kinks. Am I kidding myself if he says he will change? I don't want to give up on him but I don't know what to do this has all damaged my already fragile self-esteem. I have never been boring in the bedroom or lazy but nothing seems like its enough even when I did engage in extreme acts that made me uncomfortable. Normally I would think fetishes are not entirely unhealthy but to him it's an addiction that isolates himself from the world even if the person he loves is playing into his desires, that can't be healthy can it? to constantly obsess day and night over something. I mean he was even watching women on youtube for arousal the day after my mother died and I was a mess! and I haven't neglected him sexually through any of this pain I am going through

 

That would make alot of sense. The crazy thing is when we are getting along well and he avoids pornography or any fetish trigger he does fully enjoy sex alone I could tell by the way he would talk to me touch me etc. I feel like when he isolates himself and surrounds his life with triggers that's when he gets angry at me avoids sex and closes off. Then at that point it becomes worse because not only is he abstaining completely which can drive anyone mad but it fuels his sex obsessions. I explored every part of sex imaginable with him to try to fulfill those extremes and it just didn't stop it became only about his desires and nothing about me. I felt like an object or porno to him. Now I am not saying all fetishes are unhealthy but I believe for him it is because even when I was understanding and tried it he still wasn't happy with it always had to be more to do or to try and he stopped enjoying just sex alone altogether. I just got emotionally and physically exhausted from it, I as his soulmate wanted to be enough. I am not forcing him to give all of those up but I tried it and it wasn't for me there was no connection and it was damaging my self-esteem so I would have been unhappy if I tried to continue. I myself struggle with kinks and masterbation addiction but I fought hard to overcome them because it was ruining sex in general for me because I got to the point I always wanted something else.

 

I realize I basically repeated myself sorry I'm stressed and oh so tired and I am still grieving

 

Thank you ghost writer ! I really have been bad about setting boundaries I've just been so open and understanding for so long that I just never tried to be harder on him about what my limits are. I guess because he usually fights the limits that I've tried to set in the past not that he will force me to do anything but it's more so it's unfair you don't understand me so on and so on if I don't do something he wants to do.

 

I am curious though because we haven't addressed this but should we chose not to engage in any type of fetish or fanatasy until his recovery is completed or a certain amount of time has passed? He says it is a part of him but I don't think he even knows what he likes truly until his mind is clear of all the porn he watched for years. If I catch him watching YouTube videos with feet and stockings does that mean the reboot phase should start all over. If that times comes where he is free of porn and it's grip and he still wants to engage should I do it or will that cause the seed of obsession again? Is it okay for me to set limits on what he can and cannot do sexually regarding that if we do resume it down the line. I am comfortable with some of the stuff but not with others. Like I told him I will not humilate him or physically hurt him but I don't mind being playful with occasional foot play I just don't want it to go back to where he wants more and more Everytime. I don't think he is being realistic about sex I tried to explain to him every person has their limits that doesn't make me a prude or unfair or me trying to deprive him of something. I don't think it's reality to think you will get a partner with no limits whatsoever.

 

Honestly Ghostrider I cannot disagree with you. I myself started to get sucked into this extreme sexual life and became very bored with typical sex acts I used to love. It was always on my mind like what can I try now or oh vanilla sex is so lame and boring. I began watching gang bang porn and kept thinking I wanted an open marriage at some point, I was buying more and more toys etc. I finally thought to myself holy hell this isn't healthy I don't want to have to be hog-tied, whipped, or god knows what else just to have pleasure when I know it is possible to have it without because I have before. I wish he could remember all the good vanilla sex we have had . He actually posted on here about how sex was feeling great again etc and how recovery is possible but it's like he switched that mindset super fast.... I am scared of losing him but all I know is I am miserable I tried the extreme sex life and I am done I just want to have sex feel a connection and that be enough ya know? So you said to not engage in any of the fetishes does that mean no dirty talk or letting him touch my feet at all? I am horrible with knowing what is helpful boundaries and what is not!

 

I would definitely say I was on the line of addiction or possibly addicted myself. I don't want to be an addict I want to feel free sexually. So what should I say when he whines and says oh it's natural it is a natural fetish? I am willing to put my foot down no pun intended but I need to know how I am supposed to approach that. Sometimes I think it is his way of manipulating me into thinking he is the victim and I am the aggressor here. Because there have literally been times he would say he liked feet as long as he could remember then femdom came later and just last night he said he always liked femdom and feet came later like wtf man.

 

Also any advice on how to get this shit off my mind. I have copious amounts of school work to do and all I can think about is what I will discover next. I am so sick to the point I hardly eat or take care of myself at all for that matter.

 

Well I told him a few things just now. #1 he has to tell his therapist about his fetishes and his lingering on youtube for substitute porn. #2 I will not act or engage in any activity whatsoever that feeds his addiction. #3 I will not tolerate any blame shifting #4 I will not allow him to make me feel that if I don't engage he will go back to porn. #5 He will not lie to me anymore and if he does he will be asked to leave #6 he must do his research on how fetishes can become addictions and a problem not just read biased sites that fuel it #7 he must find an accountability buddy that has recovered from the same issues he faces #8 he absolutely will not engage in his triggers #9 he is not to take his anger from addiction out on me through isolation or belittling and finally #10 He has to change because he wants to for himself and not use me as the sole reason for change because I believe that is where he often finds resentment and the lack of drive to change! .....are those okay? should I be warm and supportive or a hard-ass about the boundaries? or both?

 

I am going to try to stay active on here! You guys are already helping me stand my ground. My desperate ass was about to let him go back to playing with my feet again to try to compromise and I just discovered another lie yesterday. what the hell was I thinking? should I refuse intimacy(sex) even when I feel I need it for awhile?

 

Thank you I will!

 

I am starting to think I may have a problem too, my sex drive is very high and the longest I have ever went without having the big "O" was 3 weeks! Yikes! I guess it will be worth the wait to actually have sex with valuable meaning though. I need this for myself too.