Confused?

Hope everyone's good tonight

I've had a lot of mixed feelings over this PIED/sex addict recovery business. Mixed and extreme too. I've felt despair where I would sit for ages and stare downwards, feeling the heartbreak inside. I've felt anger, almost to the point of rage which is obvious when I read some of my previous posts. I've felt jealousy, not envy but actual jealousy, toward women I've never met, who I've never had a problem with and all because he chose them instead of me. I've felt numb. Just a deadening inside that cannot feel anything. I've felt disgust whenever I found out something new about my PA that makes me respect him a bit less. And frustration - the overwhelming frustration of trying to talk to a brick wall. Someone who nods in the right places, says sorry, makes promises but.... isn't really listening. Other extremes felt were shame, betrayal, repulsion, depression plus the shock/trauma that the man who I loved dearly, who's impotency I accepted at the expense of my own need for love and sex, turned out to be one of the men I've always hated. The dangerous ones who believe sex can be bought either at the cost of money or values. Those who view women in only one of two categories: to protect (Mother, daughters) or wank over (your Mother or daughters). And going through the reviewing of every single good memory we created, knowing now that it was all a lie. It was tainted because it was one-sided faithful and I was oblivious.

All of these feelings can come within the hour. It changes rapidly and I often feel more than one simultaneously. I resigned myself 2 weeks ago that I had to go. I'm in the process of viewing rentals (already booked), packing and planning the future for me and my daughter.

But he's had a change in attitude, thanks to lots of PA support he's received here. On Monday, he asked me if I'd stay for a week. To listen to what he's learned. He was persistent. I agreed that he could have my attention for 7 days but that we now declare ourselves as officially single and I continue property hunting/applying. He agreed and now has my attention until Sunday night. This wasn't his idea though, I'm pretty sure it came from his own resources for recovery. It's not the type of thing he'd normally do (which is run away/bury head in sand and regret it later). Whatever he's read or heard changed his language, ideas and beliefs. For example, he no longer says he won'gt ever go back to other women (which he used to do). Now he says he can't promise it because, as an addict, he needs to work at not relapsing. He's also being much more attentive which I'm not used to. He's going out of his way to come straight to me now, after work, to ask how my day's been. And he really listens! On Tuesday we had a hug (he asked but didn't pressure) and it felt so nice. We've not touched each other for ages and I've flinched whenever he's tried to.

So, to add to all the fast-paced, extreme and mixed feelings I've been experiencing (God help a bipolar SO), I can now throw in confusion.

One would expect it to be more apprehension/caution but it's not even at that advanced stage yet. He's acting so out of character...it's simply confusing.

However, I've heard promises he's broken before and I wonder how long it will last (considering it's only been a few days since he's read specialist experiences and learned something). He says he feels different and I can see a massive change but now worry that he'll be okay for a bit, forget everything, get stressed and go back to PMO. He's not at the stage yet where he can promise with any kind of certainty that he won't go back to other women some time in the next year.

I asked him tonight, as a friend, how he's going to maintain this new way of living. He says he doesn't know but is requesting a sex therapist referral through his GP tomorrow. Just so he's got someone to talk to face-to-face. But that's not going to be effective long term until he's got a program for dealing with stress, on a daily basis. I compared it to me going to AA meetings - to remind myself how fucking bad it can get.

But I can't hold his hand on this. Not now. He's got to do this for himself only. He actually gets that now. I can tell because he's putting it into his own interpretation and definition rather than copying others verbatim. If he wants to maintain his being clean, he needs to find out how himself. He needs to ask the questions and he needs to do the approaching of other recovering PAs.

As for the relationship and his new found behaviour, I don't know what to say. Other than I'm enjoying the moment and am going ahead with moving unless I see some effort to keep this new way of living. I have to. He can't guarantee he won't go back to cheating and I still feel hollow and damaged. If I go down the fantasist route and convince myself it's all going to be alright, he'll stay faithful and we can live happily ever after then I'm really going to hate myself to find him PIED again. What if he gets stressed again and goes back to porn/sex toys/take-your-pick-perv or brothels as a relief because it's what he's "always" done and "doesn't know any different"?

I guess the SOs take that risk all the time after they've forgiven their PA the first time.

Terribly confused.

Love & peace X

 

Quick update.
We're on our 6th day of our 1 week trial and I still can't believe the change. I'm holding back from unpacking because I don't know if this will last but I've seen real changes in behaviour that I've never seen in him before:

• A new respect for women in general
• Not begging me to stay but insisting that if I go, he will continue with recovery
• He looks at me different. He used to look at me like I was either not really there, or up & down my body. Now the look is with love
• He's cancelled/rearranged his hobbies to be near me
• Not talking about himself but asking how my days been and...actually listening
• His language has changed. It's less immature
• He's actively in recovery and reading, communicating and telling me what he's learned everyday

I've seen such a difference that he's bought us more time. By tomorrow night, if he's the same, I've suggested we try another week. Not as fiancees, not for a long time, but faithful to each other with a view to lasting a long time.

It's a shame it took me ending the relationship and another member's advice for him to get off his arse but it's better late than never. He doesn't deserve to die lonely.

Love to all X