Should I tell her or not??

Hello again fellow fapstronauts I have a question that I would like some help with. I'm fairly sure that I know the answer already but I need some reassurance to give me the renewed confidence to do it as I was sure it is the right thing to do but I have bottled it a bit in the last day or so and now I'm not sure.

I have a very good friend (a girl) that I love very much. I have known her for 12 years or so and we get on really well. I'm sure that the attraction is mutual but I have not been able to close the deal (so to speak) for a number of reasons. First off when I first met her she was a friends ex and it wasn't really appropriate. He is now married so this is not a problem any more. I have in the past suffered for anxiety disorder and panic attacks but I got a grip on this a while ago and have not had a panic attack in about 8 years, for anyone who is interested I used something called the Lindon method to get it under control. I have still had anxiety in social situations from time to time but this was mostly due to my heavy Cannabis use and as I have recently found out my PMO addiction. I am dealing with both of these problems look at my banners) and have enrolled on a collage course and joined a boxing club. All of this have helped with my anxiety and I feel much much better and I know that it shows as people have told me Look and seem better. I still have a bit of anxiety occasionally but I feel the fear and do it anyway, this dis-empowers the anxiety and the next time I feel the same anxiety it is not as bad and less power over me.

Anyway, enough about my problems, back to her. She moved away with her boyfriend to live in another county about 5 years ago and I thought that was it, she would settle down start a family and apart from a wedding invitation and the occasional visit I would not see her again. But as is more often that not her relationship has broken down as they had different aims in life and she returned home to be closer to the father who is ill and reconnect with friends. She is still in touch with her boyfriend but I believe the relationship is over and he has just not accepted this fact yet. I'm 99% sure that she sees it as over between them. She is very beautiful and has other men trying to win her attention non more that another ex boyfriend that she ended her relationship with many years ago, I think because she was bored with him and he was a bit weenie and not man enough for her. he sort of remained on the scene as he as friends with her farther and since she has returned they have been spending quite a bit of time together. I have also been spending time with her(not as much as him) and I believe that I have had more than one opportunity to Seduce her but have been unable to make myself initiate. At first I put this down to being stoned and the social anxiety that is associated with this but since giving up cannabis and discovering my PMO problem the fear is more that I'm not going to be able to be in the moment and perform like I know I can and should be able to.

I was thinking that I would get the weed out of my system then I would make my move, but after discovering that my problems are more to do with PMO I decided to wait until I have completed my 90 day reboot. Now I think that she thinks that I'm never going do anything about it and make a move and that she thinks I'm just weird or something. I know that she is looking to move forward with her life and I think that she's not going to wait around for me to sort it out ( whatever "it is", as she knows I have quit weed but not about my PMO problem) and I'm afraid that I will miss my opportunity with her if I wait until I have completed my reboot.

So, I was thinking I would tell her about my problem to give her some insight into what it wrong with me. I have been planning to do this by emailing her with a link to the you tube video that educated me about porn addiction (your brain on porn) as this can explain it better than I can, Hopefully If she wants to speak with me about it, this will aid my healing and she might want to help me get over it. This might be a pipe dream and she may recoil in horror and want nothing to do with it, but I think it is worth it if it means I a chance of being with her. So what do you guys and girls think, should I or shouldn't I ??

I would especially like to hear thoughts from a female perspective so ladies, your thoughts please. Any men who have experience with this type of situation, I would also like to hear from you. I also appreciate advice form anyone I can get it from so all comments are welcome. I realise this has been long winded so thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.

faithfully, Jim

p.s I will post a copy of the letter I plan to send her shortly.

 

Thanks for the quick response. I agree with what you have said but I think you misunderstood me when I said seduce as your definition of romance seems to be similar to what I meant by seduce, probably because we are different sexes. Here's the thing thought I think she does want sex from me. She has in the past told me that she loves me, I thought at the time she meant as a friend but I have always wondered "what if". She has also told me recently that she loves sex but doesn't like f***ing, she likes to make love. sounds like a hint to me.

Anyway I love the Idea of buying her flowers as she really likes them. I have been reluctant to do this as as it seems like an obvious ploy and a bit cheesy. I also thought it may push her away but I think I will do it now. She a has helped with my problems a lot recently and I have been reluctant to pry into her s*** because of fear of being bringing up emotional stuff. I now realize from what you have said that I have perhaps neglected her feelings, because she seems happy I presume that she is fine. I will make an effort to be more attentive and be a better friend. At the very least it will strengthen are friendship and possibly bring us closer together.

By the way you definitely are not the only one who has used sex as an release from emotional pain. I have done it myself, but if she wants to use me for rebound sex (or rebound love making) I think I can handle it as I'm a big boy and think I could take it (emotionally). I also know that she Is not the only one who has options.

I believe that good friend should be able to talk about difficult things and if she judges me maybe she isn't the person that I thought she was, better to find out now than later or not at all. Fairly sure she won't judge me harshly thought so I'm still tempted to tell her. thank you Rewired, sage advice from the community as always.

I think

 

Here is the email that I plan to send her, thanks for looking.


Hi sweetheart, Here is the link that said I would send.

:Your brain on porn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS9vumF6JMU&index=3&list=PLN3-HPacSFr-LG9yF-ZTwqZntzQEekO7s

Ok this is really hard for me to say (but easier in an email) . I got on to this video because of something you said to me a few weeks ago and I thought I should share it with you (I may be wrong about that), Most of it applies to me but not all. Please don't judge till you have watched it and please don't judge me too harshly. It's quite long with lots of info and science stuff but it is important to me that you watch it so stick with it for me.

It is important to talk about with people I trust as it aids healing. Please don't discuss it with people that I don't trust like I trust you as it is just embarrassing for me. I educated myself so I don't fall ashamed or guilty, just embarrassed. Hopefully it won't embarrass you too much, I don't think it will as I believe you are open minded and mature enough to handle it. Again please don't judge me too harshly.

P.S the science stuff applies to weed as well, that's why it struck a chord with me.

xx Jim

 

Thanks everyone, I agree, if Im going to tell her it should be in persons, it would be cowardly to do it by email. Badguy is right I probably do want to unburden but hope it will answer questions she has had about me. As she was the one who inspired me to look into the evil side of P I think I will just tell her about the"your brain on porn" vid because she inspired me to watch it and I believe it is something everyone should know. if I can work in that it is making me a more present and caring I will as I do believe it has. This after all was a major aim of mine when I started nofap. Love you guys and girl,

PS uncle Rocco, I will not be surrendering myself to anything and the higher power is knowledge, so thanks for the suggestion but I believe I have that covered for now. Also I am not powerless against my addiction. I could do all twelve but these two get my point across. Thanks for caring to answer.