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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Ha, so funny.

    Or maybe he has just gotten better and much more clever at his game?

    Fair enough, but I still recommend avoiding "his reward", after what he has done to you, do you really feel he deserves any kind of reward? what's your reward for all this trauma? a chance at him being on his "best" behavior for a week? See how silly that sounds.
     
  2. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

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    She already answered you here, but maybe it's not getting through that thick skull of yours.

     
    TryingHard2Change and Jagliana like this.
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 76:

    DAILY GOALS MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling... :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Short entry today, not much to report.

    Husband got held over at his job today, we haven't really talked much all day. I don't know what time he will get home, but when he does he is probably going straight to bed or I'll be asleep myself by then - so we might end up missing our nightly talk too. The first time, in a long while.

    I've been busy all day with the kiddos and haven't had too much time to do anything. All I know is I am exhausted and have a massive headache, three more hours and I can put them to bed, turn on a movie, pour some wine and soak in some peace and quiet lol.
     
  4. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    I hope you have a nice, peaceful and quiet night.
     
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you.
     
    Jason Russo NYC likes this.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 77:

    DAILY GOALS MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling... :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Yesterday was a really long and really exhausting day for me. Hubby worked till after 9:00 PM and he wanted to get home in time so we could talk, at least a little. I finally got the girls to bed by 8:30 PM, turned on Dexter and went to grab some wine. So, because my luck always sucks - the wine was not in the mood to be had. The God's have decided I WAS NOT allowed to drink wine. The cork got stuck, I nearly broke the first corkscrew, then the second one got stuck too. So the wine that was supposed to de-stress me, instead, like everything ELSE decided to SCREW ME! Coño, carajo! #CRY :mad::emoji_wine_glass:

    Anyway, then I get a call from the hubby that he was finally on the way home and wanted me to wait up for him. I said sure, we hung up I went back to watching Dexter. Ten minutes later he calls me again, but this time it was to tell me he really had an urge - to hug me, that's all, he wanted to hold me, hug me, kiss me etc and it was so strong that he had to call me and talk to me about it. I thought that was really sweet and cute lol. This is the first time in our history, that something like this has ever happened. I'm still kind of shocked, like, where is all this coming from? who is this guy and where has he been all my life?! :emoji_open_mouth::emoji_kissing_heart: #HeyMrStayPlease

    I stayed up, we talked and discussed my fears about the cruise. We also talked about how it's weird what came over him these past few weeks, actually rushing to get home to hug me, instead of to just grab a beer, sit on his lazy boy and just watch a tv show. It has been rather nice, to be a priority in his world. I'm afraid though, that I am getting way too comfortable and use to being treated this way, the way I've wanted to be treated for over a decade and I'm still scared it will get taken away from me. I just can't control those fears, we have too much history of the 'other' behaviors and I keep waiting for them to creep back in. :emoji_weary:

    Fears aside, I am proud of where he is, how far he has come in only a little over two months into this recovery. We have come a long way, BOTH of us - him/his PA, me and my bottling up/festering. Right now, we are in a better place then we were after we just got married (in my opinion). I, personally, never thought THIS type of love, connection, and intimacy was even possible between us, not anymore at least. I figured that ship has sailed for me, you know expired long ago.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Interesting question @FearMyDiscipline, I will try to answer it as best as I can - although the superficial/bodily changes @Wade W. Wilson may have noticed more and he might be better suited to answer those questions.

    I can only answer from my perspective, from changes I've personally witnessed/noticed and what I assume is happening within him. I don't know if he'll agree with everything I say, if not he can respond and add his own remarks. I haven't noticed any changes in his voice, beard or skin, just personality, behaviors and reactions to situations.

    Confidence:
    The more empathic and vulnerable he has gotten with me, the safer I've felt with him, as a man (something I could not say two months ago). He seems more confident with how he is doing in this recovery. I think he never imagined, that if he finally decided to fight this addiction and ask for my help - that he would have come so far with our relationship and with his personal journey. He also seems happier because he is no longer harboring so many secrets, pain, fear, shame all to himself after he has told me everything. Our honest nightly talks; me being his AP, help both he and I, release any stress or frustrations we've held in throughout the day which helps your mood because afterward, we feel at ease/more relaxed (happy and content).

    Self-control/More in Focus/Aware:
    He feels like with every passing day he is getting better with self-control, which then boosts his confidence because it is a big goal of his. To be able to control his triggers/urges and ogling. Him becoming self-aware of his problems has been a big accomplishment on this road to recovery, the more he learns, the more he grows and easier the path gets to walk on. He is ogling a lot less, which makes him feel confident because every time he doesn't slip - every time he looks the other way, every time he looks above the shoulders, he is proving to himself that he really can reach his goals if he keeps striving for them, which of course makes him feel better as a person, husband, and father. He is also showing small changes like listening to music for the words, not just the melody. He is telling ME not to select images where women are too sexy for our FB group. He wants to make sure we talk every night because it helps with his accountability to me and himself. He is more aware when I'm upset, sad or in a bad mood and doesn't ignore it or brush it off. He focuses on making me feel special and important, for once. He is making PLANS to do stuff with/for me, instead of making plans to PM. I think all of those things are a mixed bag of goodies and are all directly related to him being in more control of himself and impulses.

    Ambitious:
    As more time passes and more recovery days are under his belt he becomes more ambitious/goal oriented and wants to continue to succeed in this. He is striving to be a better husband and father. One of his biggest goals though is to make my decision on whether or not I want to take the risk and stay in this marriage EASIER on me (what he means is, if he does it right, I won't want to leave). He wants to prove he can beat this to himself, and to me. That he wants to be the man, I thought I was marrying. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he knows, in the end, his progress/changes/actions are going to be a major part of my final decision - so progress is good, regress is bad.

    Manly:
    He has matured a lot in two months, in my eyes he has gone from being a boy to a man. He feels genuine remorse for the pain, trauma, and betrayal he has caused me. He has been taking responsibility for the role he/his actions played in destroying my confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, and love throughout our marriage. He is no longer wants to or finds it acceptable to look at women as "parts" but instead as someone's mom, sister, wife, daughter. I find all of these changes and him being more open, understanding, empathic of my heart and feelings, having self-control, taking responsibility of his actions - all of those behavioral changes, make him more manly to me, he is becoming a real man - not a boy with childish, selfish tendencies.

    I hope my answer(s) make sense.

    These quotes are for my husband:
    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
    [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You have a great point here. What the hell, we SOs put up with so much shit and deal with the cycle of emotional abuse over and over, get hit with almost unbearable, indescribable pain and torment. We stand by them, encourage them, all the while filled with fear as we wait for the other shoe to drop. Then when they reach a certain milestone of 'good behavior' they are the ones that get rewarded...and by who? US! What the hell is wrong with us? Our reward for 'good behavior' (you know, playing the supportive SO, helping them help themselves) is anxiety, depression, fear, uncertainty, abandonment, etc...
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I agree, society - well highly paid advertisers set the standard for both men (to objectify) and women (to be objectified). It's sad but true.

    Unfortunately, this isn't the type of job where you can just up, leave and switch - it's not possible. He just has to learn to control himself in any kind of surroundings.
     
    FearMyDiscipline likes this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Well, I consider it a reward because - even before our final DDay, I told him that if my parents cancel their tickets, I am not going on the cruise with just him (and the kids) ever again. The reason was not because of ogling or PM, but because on the last cruise, I really felt ignored and alone. It never hit me as bad on other cruises because usually we went with my parents and my mom kept me entertained. The last cruise though, we went with his parents and they did their own thing, he ignored me and I was litterly left all alone and miserable. I sat there listening to shows, walking the decks, lounges etc., all alone. Watching other couples hug, kiss, hold hands - while I just sat there ALONE. It was on that cruise where I moved a little closer to getting the courage to just leaving him for good. Then, of course, DDay 4 happened and I told him, it's over - we're over. The next cruise had already been booked though and my parents really wanted to go, due to health reasons my dad isn't sure anymore. So the deal was, should my parents have to cancel - I'm going to cancel too.

    However, when he all of a sudden started this recovery and I saw actual changes occurring - I told him, if he keeps it up and I feel wanted and not ignored, I would consider going, even if they don't. It would serve as a reward for him staying straight through this recovery.

    So, it wasn't initially a "reward" for "good behavior", but since it was already booked anyway - I wouldn't cancel if I noticed progress. If that makes sense.
     
    FearMyDiscipline and mcgrim like this.
  10. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Exactly my point, like how much shit is flung at us by our PA's, that we need to offer them rewards for good behavior? like you would give a treat to a well behaved animal. His reward should be changing enough, that you WANT to go with him and don't have to offer anything for it. Now, he'll "change" just enough, just to go on vacation and once you're trapped on board, he can do whatever he wants.

    Even worse, so not only do you have to worry about ogling, but you are worried he'll ignore you there? wow.

    Why are PA's so selfish? why do they put their SO's through so much heart ache and the even bigger question is, why do we put up with it for so long. There are so many options out there in the world, where you don't have to beg your spouse for some attention.

    Here's a tip, if you go on the cruise and he starts "slipping" or acting out, go to one of those singles events and hook up with someone random. Give him a taste of what it's like to be replaced with someone or something else. What's fair is fair.
     
  11. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    True, but you have much higher risks of getting your feelings run through the mud with a PA/SA, then you do with a healthy man. If you don't try and see what else is out there, you will never know what it is like to be in a healthy and mutual partnership. Sometimes, THAT kind of risk is worth it.
     
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    That is bad advice. That is the opposite of saving a marriage. What you are suggesting is a revenge affair. That is never good. That makes saving the marriage all the more impossible. You can't save a marriage with two wrongs, because two wrongs don't make a right. It just makes a bigger mess.

    And also, why should the SO even drop to the PA's level? I think we SO's are better than that. We have honesty, dignity, loyalty and faithfulness, those are qualities to be proud of. Even if the marriage didn't work, how amazing would it be to move on, tell your story, and the other person be in awe of how graceful of a person you were in a hard time? That's much better than telling what you've been through and sinking to their level....

    Just saying.

    But seriously, a cruise... I don't understand the appeal, and aren't cruises like with pools and girls in bathing suits? I'd fucking faint in that environment due to the stress (and Jak doesn't ogle!).

    @Jagliana I hope that whatever decision you make about the cruise, it's the right one for you guys as a Couple. Each of you should desire to go on it, and if not, maybe pass, and take a less stressful trip. I know for Jak and I, we are not going on any vacation that includes beaches or tropical whether (plus Jak has Severe anxiety when travelling), and we plan vacations that are enjoyable and not stressful in regards to PA/SO recovery. But again every couple is different, just make sure that you do want this cruise as much as your husband, so it's fair. And maybe if you can't do it this year, it doesn't mean it's not going to happen down the line. Sometimes we SO's just need more time to heal around a certain event or thing that the PA tainted in a way.
     
  13. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    I never cheated on my ex-wife, I was always trying to please her, put her first, make sure she was happy. What did I get in return? lies, denials, PA/SA and her cheating on me multiple times. Now, I am divorced and in nonstop custody hearings. Sometimes, I wish I would have dropped down to her level and given her a taste of her own medicine.

    I do not think PA's possess the qualities to be redeemable, if it's not one thing, it's another. They are selfish by nature and extremely manipulative.

    I wouldn't go on the cruise if I were @Jagliana too. It's not worth the stress.
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Great tip. :rolleyes:

    We've been cruising for years, it's the ideal vacation for me because I like heat, beaches, and pools. I'm not into cold vacations lol. Another perk is all day (included with your stay) daycare for the kids - without that, it's not a vacation for me, because I may as well stay at home and deal with my kids here. I've ignored his ogling the last few cruises because I was checked out of this relationship, so I guess I just stopped caring about it after a while. Now though, our intimacy and connection is something else and I think if I notice too many slip-ups or he lies, I will be triggered and that won't be good.

    He really is working on it and I hope he will get better, this summer will be a true test for him.
     
    mcgrim likes this.
  15. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    You say he is more aware of his "issue" now, does he notice other men ogling you or does he not care?
     
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I don't know, I don't think he pays attention unless I point it out. What does it matter?
     
  17. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    He will be walking through a fire of temptation so you are correct it will be a true test of his strength. I hope if you do go that it is a good and enjoyable time! :)
     
  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I get that you're hurt. But that doesn't mean every addict doesn't have the capability to turn their lives around. Some have a more naturally desirable personality with good traits and can easily turn their lives around, others struggle more. Many PA's in here have what it takes, it's really about whether they will commit to recovery and their family 100%...
     
  19. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    Maybe @Wade W. Wilson should start paying attention to men looking at you. If he truly cares about you, it should anger him and it might help for him to see other men doing to you, what he has been doing to other women. Kind of a reality check.

    That's the issue, he should concentrate on @Jagliana in order to distract from other women. That's his wife, if he's busy looking at her, he shouldn't notice anyone else. UNLESS he doesn't care enough. That's my point, it really shouldn't be such a problem for him. I don't get it.

    I don't know, I would imagine if I wasn't good enough for my ex-wife, the chance at losing her son should have been motivating enough, but it just wasn't. If they commit, how long does it last? look at Jag's intro he "stopped" but not really and continued to lie to her for over a decade. My Ex did the same crap.
     
  20. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Fair point, I know Jak notices when guys look at me, always has, and he gets angry, and protective. It shows he cares. If he didn't notice other guys checking me out, that would signal a problem to me.
     

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