Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 78:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Hubby let me know this morning that he hasn't had any triggers/urges or major ogle incidents from last night through this morning. A+

He mentioned that he spoke with a co-worker who got over PA years ago. He knew about that guy's PA because he openly let others know not to flaunt P or P-subs around him because of his religion and because he had a problem with P. This is the first real-life person my husband has confided in, aside from me. He said he felt a sense of realism and relief after opening up to him and talking about this. I think that is wonderful for him.

As for me... well, I don't know what's up with me. The last few days, I have just felt off, I don't know what it is. It has been coming and going in waves. Maybe it's been some of my triggers popping up here and there or maybe it's not related at all. It could really be, just me, how I've been seeing myself these days - it kind of depresses me. I feel good about my husband's progress/recovery and where our relationship has been going... so perhaps I am just not happy with myself. I am noticing more and more issues with my "aging" body, things are not what they used to be 10 years ago. I guess it could be an accumulation of stuff, like having my self-esteem so badly beaten to a pulp during my prime years, that now anything I see in the mirror is just never good enough. It is also why I tend to not believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful, after 12 years, I'm sorry - I just don't think so, don't buy it, if my "beauty" was not good enough for him (especially since he was ogling every one BUT me) during my heyday, now it's just being said to appease me OR maybe he says it because he means it in a different context, his love/connection and intimacy is growing stronger for me because of this recovery, so maybe he is seeing something that is not physically there but those emotions are making him "want" me more and therefore, see me as "beautiful" now, if that makes sense?. I never use to wear makeup, color my hair, I was all natural on all fronts - so I never needed that stuff. Now though, I feel like I have to put on lipstick here and there because I'll look like death without it, I have to color my hair because I see grays popping up. I've been trying to lose more and more weight, but it is not coming off fast enough, I've lost over 35 lbs but now I'm stuck and the scale won't freaking budge anymore. I was on a mission to give myself a full body makeover... not just for my health but because I thought I was going to be back on the dating scene within 3 years and I know I can no longer compete with twenty-year-olds, I'm 33 with two kids - ya know.

I'm just frustrated. It could be lack of sleep, dealing with a toddler all day or just anything. I'm exhausted, really, really exhausted. I woke my husband up 15 minutes, he's still not out of the room yet. He always takes his sweet ass time, I need some relief, but it's not like he really cares about that.

 

I get that, but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way.

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Precisely, if he can only be in recovery under the rule of my thumb - he will never really recover. HE has to do it, for himself and then we both benefit.

Glad it gives you hope I get a little more hopeful with each new day.

 

DAY 79:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday was a rough day for me, it wasn't anything @Wade W. Wilson did recently that triggered me. I guess I just triggered myself when I looked in the mirror and just felt like shit. My kids were driving me up a wall and I couldn't wait for him to wake up and take over, so I can just stop everything and turn off my brain for a while. He took his sweet time getting up and that irritated me further because he used to do that a lot before (wasting time to get up). When he got out, he noticed I was not in a good mood. He asked what was up and I told him it was the girls getting on my nerves. He knew that wasn't everything but let it go for now. They wouldn't let us talk anyway. I didn't want to tell him that I felt like crap because I was just unhappy after looking in the mirror.

Later that night, he just held and comforted me during our talk and asked me again to tell him what is going on in my head... so I decided to tell him. I said I've just been feeling old and ugly, and he blamed himself. I told him I was afraid to bring it up because I didn't want to jeopardize his recovery and our progress. I didn't want him associating how I was feeling at this very moment, with how his recovery is going, because it's not reflective of that at all. But, I guess it sort of is his fault that my brain is now trained to see myself in a certain way, a bad way, flaws before anything else... after what his lack of attention/PA/ogling over a decade has done to me. I have spent years nitpicking everything, comparing myself to the women I saw him looking at, looking for every single flaw I could find just to EXCUSE or somehow justify his actions, to convince myself why I was not enough for him. I know it's a fucked up way of thinking, but that's where I was. He explained that for 12 years (12 with me, and even longer before me) he was under a porn fog and didn't treat me right, he understands that now and is really remorseful and sorry for it, and I believe these feelings to be genuine and sincere. He insists that he didn't realize what he had in front of him, because his mind was always elsewhere, but now he truly does and is sad that I don't see it (how he does). He said if he treated me right, I wouldn't see myself in the way that I do now. He wants to do whatever he can to help me retrain my brain to see what he see's. It's just so difficult for me to believe it, those last 12 years really did play a number on me. Now that he has felt this true connection, intimacy and real love with me, he does not want to lose it; frankly, I've never felt this way about anyone before either and now that I've felt it, I don't want to lose it either. Neither of us can really explain it, it's strange, new, sort of foreign and after 12 years of neglect - feels unreal.

Even though he told me last night NOT to thank him "because I owe him nothing, but he owes me everything", but I still wanted to... I want to thank him for just putting his arms around me last night, listening to my pain and comforting me when I felt so shitty. Being in his arms, feeling his embrace and heart helped lift my spirits. He was there for me last night and I loved that feeling.

 

DAY 80:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we spoke about where we are at in this recovery. How we both can't believe any of this is real and not a figment of our imaginations. I was DONE in Jan, I didn't want to even consider anything else, I was already mentally picturing who my next 'man' would/could be. But out of the blue, he decided to finally see he has a problem and do something about it. He has been taking this recovery seriously, acting like someone I've never known him to be, talking to me every night, being vulnerable, no fear or shame, giving me attention, understanding my pain, not masturbating for 80 days and even better than that? not lying, for once! -- oh and me opening up to him; telling him my problems, instead of holding onto them? haaaaaaaaa, if you would have told me this 81 days ago, I would have laughed in your face. But, here we are, somehow, something told me to say yes to his proposition to talk every night and be his AP, without even considering it would turn my mind into mush and put myself in a perpetual state of bliss and confusion. The night ended with some fun and then some cuddling as we fell asleep. We both are feeling better about all of this, the more we talk, grow closer and learn.

Today was a pleasant day, mindless/relaxing, I could even venture to say, I felt 'happy' - something that's been rare for me in the last few years. Funny thing is, we didn't do anything "special", we just went to my doctor's appointment, Verizon and then had a quiet lunch at a new place I found. Lunch was sweet, we held hands, ate and talked a bit. Both of us agreed that me being his AP is one of the best decisions we've come to in this recovery. Even though, sometimes I get trigger - I've learned to manage them and handle them better. It will help him too because he'll have someone on-call for any incidents and will not fear telling me about them. It will make it easy for him to talk to me, inside of easier to hide stuff from me, like he did in the past. We are working on changing our "complacency patterns" from the 'old way' of doing things, to this new way. We want this to be our new normal. Luckily both @Wade W. Wilson and I, both agree on this and share the same philosophy on this recovery, healing and just the process, pace and way it's been going.

It was a good day.

 

DAY 81:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we didn't talk too much. We had some soft music playing and spent more time on cuddling, this is something new for us but we both really have been enjoying the closeness. We've never touched each other so much (and for no reason aka we only touched quickly to get to sex and go to bed). I never wanted to get too close, it was too intimate for me, I was hurt and disconnected, I didn't want to cause myself any more pain with extra touching or kissing, it might give me false hope or joy that would inevitably end with tears later on. We spent a lot of the day earlier talking, so there wasn't much left to discuss anyway. That's what I enjoy about his days off now - he's been courting me, it's like I have a new boyfriend; not a husband, of almost 12 years. The only joy I use to get from his days off was him watching the kids and giving me a much-needed break. To think, that now, I actually WANT to spend time with him. It's all kind of CRAZY lol, especially after his full disclosure. I'm quite shocked at myself, I definitely do not know who he is anymore and to make matters even more interesting, I don't think I recognize myself anymore either.

Today, we had another easy going day. We went to the movies; at the mall, and saw "Ready Player One", we got there a little early so we could walk a little, we had some time to kill. There were a few ogling "threats", which I noticed him looking away or holding onto me to redirect himself. Then he had a slip later on at the supermarket, I noticed her and knew immediately it would be a challenge for him. She was wearing light yoga pants, which ladies know - define 'assets' so yea. He tried to avoid her, I noticed him struggling, he ended up slipping and his eyes met her ass, but it was faster than he normally would have been. He started snapping his rubberband profusely for a few seconds, I figured it was getting harder for him to control himself. Then when I walked by closer to him, he grabbed my waist in order to put his focus back on me. He did well most of the day and has been trying. This is new to him; self-control, he used to check out any and every ass that would cross his path (what to me felt like getting stabbed, each time) but now I see he is working on getting better/stopping.

I know a lot of SO's would recommend I "punish" him, for the ogling slip-up, but I am glad he was honest with me about it, and I don't believe honesty should be punished. Not for this kind of recovery, because the goal is to keep him honest and not give him a reason to go back to "hiding" or "lying". Now, don't get me wrong, if he was NOT trying to control himself and was just ogling like he used to, without any care for my feelings/triggers or any awareness, I'd be pissed and go off on him... but our situation is a little different right now.

Overall, it was a good day.

P.S: Ready Player One was an awesome movie, I highly recommend it - especially for any geeks out there

 

DAY 82:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we spoke about the events from earlier in the day (ogling incidents). Then he gave me a nice massage and a lot of attention...

Then we shared something really special but that will stay between us.

Today, he slept half the morning, then we've been lounging around the house, watching Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - while our older daughter has a friend over and the younger one is running amuck.

Tonight, he goes back to work and another week begins again. Five more days until his vacation (staycation) begins. I'm hoping that the weather will finally stop being so erratic, so we can actually spend some time outside.

Short entry today, because I covered a lot in the last few days. Overall things are going good, so far.