Softcore, Ecchi, Smartphone games, secretive chat apps, and Degrading

Hey everyone. I didn't bother with an intro post because my situation is quite urgent. Please understand, I found you guys today and I am so relieved to be able to gain some insight on what has been an eroding of my trust with who I beleive to be my soul mate for the last 2 years.

It all started when my partner, and father to our son, started playing the app game Transformers Earthwars. He would play sometimes, and maybe once a month he would get a $20 or $10 google play card for things in it.
Well, the users invited him to a chat app. One turned into two. Two turned into i dont know how many. I really respect other peoples privacy so even though I was suspicious, I didn't say anything other than, "I miss you." He started playing more and more, and I asked him about it. He would tell me about the friends he was making there and that it was a chatroom 'full of guys' talking about 'guy stuff'.

This is where it pinged for me. We are two nerds. We played video games when we got together, he paints warhammer fantasy miniatures as a hobby, I make fantasy artwork and tell stories, we went to comic cons, we spent our first Christmas together watching engrish Karaoke videos onyoutube and talking about how beautiful all people are....so, he's not a 'guy'. Why would he want to be talking about 'guy stuff' with other 'guys' in a chatroom? Duhhhhhhhh


It turns out he was wasting his time away on fantasy. Video games, chatrooms (which he claims had NOTHING sexual in them. I find this claim to be an insult to my intelligence. And I found it to be a lie later on. Hellooooo twerking GIFs, topless women with huge endowments in mrs. claus outfits, etc. Come onnnnn), and then I find out he's watching something called 'Ecchi' on a really regular basis.

For those not familiar with the term, 'Ecchi' is a slang word used in anime (Japanese animated stuff) for softcore, usually having to do with ridiculously large breasts and equally unrealistic tiny waists onpetite, small girl like maidens who never actually mature into motherhood. I am a 6 foot tall woman. I have very modest breasts. It destroys me when he doesn't have time to hold me after we make love, but does have 15 minutes to sit at his painting table and be involved in chats. And he does have 6 hours to play around in fantasy land with volleyball tittied women all the while telling me when I ask "What do YOU think is beautiful?" he says "You."
He started listening to Tech N9ne, a rapper who likes women 'real thick n juicy' and 'only cares about them ass titties so ill give you somethin to suck on bitch you gotta get with me.' Now don't get me wrong, I love to dance and I take belly dancing classes, but do you really have to blair that while I'm in the car on a date with you??


I feel and felt crazy.

This man, to me, is my soul mate. I still mind myself that he is real. I want him to look at me the way I look at him. He says it is alive but I see it is not, and when I bring it up I am met with invalidation and he goes an does the dishes. Which I am grateful for him helping out around the house, and then feel terrible for making a fuss. If I lose him, I just won't date for a long ass time to keep my son's life less hectic as he goes through the trials of adolescence.

I checked the internet search history, believing I now have grounds to do so. He has been looking at pics of an old booty call from before we met. She has no stretchmarks. Shes gorgeous. I say nothing to him. I have nothing to say. He doesn't look at porn but this is far more threatening. How is this better?
To my knowledge, nothing came of it. But will I ever really know?
Time goes on. He has sex with me but won't cuddle me after or wont hold me. Won't hold me at night. (Granted our son needed soothing and we cosleep but not every night.) He says he misses me but I believe he misses himself more. He's hiding his eyes from me. He won't even look at me during sex. He hides his face next to mine and I feel like crying while he's inside me. We used to be full of passion. He would look deeply into my eyes and caress me. I feel like I've lost him so I confront him if there's someone else. He says no.

I find out he has spent $200.00 on the app game. We are a home educating family, so we spend around $600 a year on each child in education supplies. We are on a tight budget but our home is full of love and trust is the only thing that keeps our ship afloat. I am deeply worried but he makes no effort to see me. He says hes sorry, but he makes no attempt to set boundaries for himself aside from cutting up his debit card.
I have recently found out he has maxed out our credit card on this app game behind my back.
My trust is gone. I cannot trust what he says when it comes to his personal life or phone because I am now second place to an app, a video game, and (in my opinion though the artwork is gorgeous) softcore porn which he says "I don't masturbate to it, it's harmless." He says he wants to go to counseling but won't delete the app. He says he wants a future with me, but all of our money that was to be spent on our future we had planned has been squandered. He put our families safety at risk. He has attack raids planned out for this weekend. He has zero plans for a date with me, let alone plans for a monh ahead with his family. I will no longer beg to be loved. We had a fight about it this week, and he will delete the chat apps and games 'after this weekends events'. I am operatin as if I am single now to protect myself. He is very put off that I won't kiss him, or hold his hand.
But I have tried everything. He says he wants to work on it, on everything.
We will see.
My questions are these for you guys:
Is Ecchi or softcore porn still porn?
Wouldn't that change what my partner sees as attractive? I could never compare to drawn characters, let alone the plethora of degrading vids on various sites.
Has anyone been with a man they deeply love, and that man will not open up to them about what they need sexually at all? Or has anyone been a man who has had extreme difficulty opening up sexually?
How do I set boundaries for myself?
Has anyone faced lying about porn and finances?
What can I do to hold myself accountable and work on my own porn watching? (I watch it maybe once a month but I want to stop masturbation all together after reading the stories shared here. ^_^ I beleive the orgasm and the energies bere super powerful, and I want to investigate that. He seems uninterested. ) Thank you all for sharing your stories here, I feel releived in that I am less alone.
I want to forgive. I want my best friend back.
Any reading you suggest on how to deal with your trust being broken time after time (especially sexually) please direct my way.
Thanks in advance for any and all responses apologies in advance i this is jumbled or parts are hard to understand. It's a lot, but I have seen a lot of it stem from him lying to me about watching softcore porn.
<3 Sincerely,
Trying to stay sane.

 

After your post, I have been reading all around the site, and feel only a little better. He tells me the chats never had illicit stuff but after all the lies I had no direction as to how to trust him again. A few of the boundaries outlined here have shown me how to be honest with MYSELF and that is the only thing I can affect right now. ^_^ Thank you so much!

@Kenzi I never thought that I could be a 'masturbatory aid' but that is what I feel like, so that may be what it actually is. I may know my partner well (he wants to be my husband he says, but refuses to write vows or even a future plan with me to me so I cannot hold him in the place of husband, imo. -shrug- He's my life partnr to me, but he "shows things in his own way" so I have no idea where his heart is at this point.) but he knows himself better. At this point, I know the only effect I can have on others is my reaction and how I handle myself. Your post on all of the lists was incredibly helpful lol. I may have cried as we already did lists on 'how to love the other person' (i.E. a list on how your partner receives love, so you are not attempting to give love in the way your receive it, which may or may not be congruent with how your partner receives love.) ....well, I made mine for him, and he read it, but he hasn't made one for me. Either way, the post hit home for me and was incredibly helpful. Thank you for all of those ideas, I never thought of those.

@GhostWriter Thank you for such a thoughtful response and being empathetic with me. It means so much to my heart during this time of confusion so please somehow feel rays of gratitude coming your way through the screen. Like some sort of digital hug or something. He has always came during sex, and he will tell me how amazing I am, or how great that was. (Mind you sometimes it would be pinpointing and sweet things like "Your thighs are so sexy when they wrap around me" but that made things worse when he chose to leave me alone in a bed after. I won't say anything in return, or I will just smile and nod...He will not notice. I want intimacy with him, but intimacy can't be built on lies, loneliness and broken trust.
I have been beggin to be loved, begging to be present and mindful with our relationship for the sake of our hearts. For the sake of the lives we say we want together. He says "We've been together 7 years, that's a longgggg time." and I think it's freaking nothing compared to 40, 50, 60 year relationships which is what I want to strive for with him, an what he told me he wanted....
He feels terrible he says. He will stop he says. Though he admits to me that he's not worried about Transformers because "He's just taking a little break" (I seriously felt an axe of emotion slice me in two when he said that....) Yesterday, I was asking him about what he has been watching. It wasn't until just this morning I found out I had been lied to again. He said there was "some or very little adult service" in what he has been watching. I would feel very uncomfortable if my son was 18 and watched it around me....like it would be weird af hahahaha. I keep feeling crazy, alone, lost, and like I am becoming second to a fantasy reality. I can't teach by example to my son that this is an acceptable family dynamic. But if I lose him, I will lose so much with him. He is my rock, and when he is him, he understands me on a deeper level than anyone, I do the same with him, or so he says, and even that I am beginning to question. Which I thought I never would and I feel evil even for questioning him and his love. I know he loves me.... For now, I feel numb. I won't let that diminish my sense of self worth. Doing all I can to work on me and building myself up, as through his example (not words) he has torn me down. I am raising the future right now so I can't get distracted.

Thank you to all of you. I'm going to continue reading around the site and getting to know all of this material. You have been legendary in your aid here.