Do people here really want to quit?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Fenix Rising, Apr 18, 2018.

  1. Gobot190

    Gobot190 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for putting a label on why i want to do this. " I want more" I'm not wasting away. Quite functional. This is not enough though.
     
  2. PMO is not just some habit that will fall away in time. Having fallen into the hole for years, getting out is like climbing Mt. Everest because sex is such a powerful, primal aspect of being human. All that exposure and pleasure created deep impressions in the subconscious mind and in the nervous system. We're all here to reverse the damage. Everyone addicted to porn will have to deal with the problem someday. People who refuse to relapse despite the turbulence and trials are practicing a great and noble austerity in which the payback is greater than all the material riches on earth, and that is a peaceful mind and a sound heart.
     
  3. Yeah, The Lightness of Being just crossed my mind. Is that a Buddhist concept? It may mean the heaviness and burden of attachment that clings onto the subtle body (mind, feelings, intellect, ego) that survives the physical body at death. PMO is one hell of a psychological attachment! Keep the fight! We'll get out of this mess!
     
  4. Tell us what your rock bottom was. That may help me and others.
     
  5. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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  6. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    It’s weird, in some ways even though the first week can be the hardest, I have a higher success rate when “it’s the hardest.” I usually never relapse during this period where it’s so hard and challenging. The reason being is I feel so much shame and pain from the former relapse, and it’s so fresh that all my armor comes on, all my resilience kicks in and I’m going into the trenches with everything I got. I become this wounded warrior fighting for his life, and 9 times out of ten I don’t give in. Cut to later, maybe 6 weeks, 2 months, 4 months, and my guard is down, I am not in the trenches, I am not in this warrior mode, I’m in this mentality of “oh yeah, that, I don’t see myself doing that again.” And then boom! The snake creeps up on me, I don’t see it, or don’t want to or some version of both, and it wraps it’s body around my leg and the trap door opens and I’m back to square one. The triggers that lead to these slips or relapses vary but usually have to do with some kind of pain that feels unmanageable. But I guess my point is, that oddly enough, I am more prone to slipping or having a relapse when I am out of that really tough challenging stage you are describing.
     
  7. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    Good stuff. I love your post about how most people slip after 6 months because they can’t handle sober emotions! I mean that’s it. That is what explains 95 percent of my slips in the past 3 years. It’s when your sober, you feel the feelings more intensely unlike when you’re in withdrawal and it’s a gut wrenching roller coaster of shame and anxiety. This is different. Being sober, the feelings can be more acute and specific. Sadness comes in like a sharp knife or feeling overwhelmed, and you think oh this is awful, I might as well look at porn to numb this pain, and then if you do it, everything turns to shit. It’s about managing those feelings when you’re sober. To be honest, I don’t know quite yet how to do it. I mean I have the tools and know how to do it intellectually, but when those moments hit, I truly am powerless, and the only thing that saves me is something greater than myself. Although blockers have come in handy during these moments. You sound like you really know what you’re talking about. Thanks for sharing!
     
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  8. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    One other thing that I discovered today, I mean I knew it before, but the idea when the sober feelings get really intense, I feel so overwhelmed and like I’m drowning in it, that I want to blame something else (other than me) for these feelings and these things that are bothering me or triggering me. So I turn to porn because then I can blame the porn. “I feel bad because of porn! It’s porn’s fault, society’s, it’s shame and pain from that. It’s not me.” And then once I heal from that, the pain comes back and then I want to escape it again. That’s the cycle.
     
  9. That's cool because the chaser effect has got me so many times.

    I know what you mean, when you're on a good streak and you start getting over-confident and then BAM - relapse.

    My current thoughts on rebooting:
    You convince yourself that P is utterly worthless and harmful.
    You take care of yourself and your underlying issues (which you probably have).
    You have an emergency plan for severe urges, and you practise it so it becomes a habit (I need to do more on this).
     
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  10. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    To put it shortly, streak of personal loses. I took care of my 60yo dying father (incurable brain tumor) for more then a year, buried him, my grandfather, grandmother and uncle died shortly after him, aunt being diagnosed with brain tumor as well, my partner left me, lost quite good job, because I sent CEO to hell at the meeting, went gray, lost all my hair, all this in less then 3 years time period. I had accumulated so much anger and sadness in me in those years, that I couldn't cope with anything anymore, so I isolated myself from everyone. Trying to numb my emotions, PMO addiction got really out of hand, with compulsive PMO on daily basis for hours for probably 2 years and usually getting drunk over the weekends. I was mentally and physically a broken man. To a degree few friends, who still hasn't given up on me, got really worried about my health, saying I'll die, if I continue on this path. I had a choice to make, continue down the path of self destruction or radically change my life. I've chosen to live, so I started exercising on daily basis and abstain from alcohol, sex and PMO. I couldn't believe how addicted I've become. I've done 90 days cold turkey streaks before, but this time around was so, so much harder. I literally got sick, with terrible headaches for first 2 months, wild mood swings, general anxiety, major depression, insomnia, total lack of energy, lost 20 pounds. I was like a living zombie for first 3 months (coming from a man who was in terrible shape to begin with). Only thing that kept me going was daily vigorous exercise routine, which I executed without excuses, even if I hadn't slept for days. I couldn't handle pressure without it. Dealing with daily muscle soreness was nothing compered to what was going on in my head. That was my rock bottom.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2018
  11. kio_actualized

    kio_actualized Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I think I don't want to quit because I fall into the category of those people you mentioned. But then why I come here? Why I add filters and look for help? Tbh, I feel like a weak person. Been failing over and over again without building anything valuable. I wish I was better... I guess..
     
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  12. 11:11

    11:11 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not here to quit I'm here to help,
    God bless your soul.
     
  13. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    But you're here, that's a good start. How many people don't even recognize they have a problem with PMO? I don't want to judge anyone, but it does help if you approach problem with all seriousness and prepare for some rough times ahead. From my past experiences, whenever I went into recovery with easygoing mentality, I relapsed very soon.

    I don't use filters at all. I believe I have to be able to control my urges my myself, not because some filter is denying me access to adult content. When we come across nudity, we should be able to deal with it. You can't escape from it forever. We're seeing nudity and sex in movies, wallpapers, in commercials on daily basis.
     
  14. Hatfuge

    Hatfuge Fapstronaut

    I've been thinking the same thing, I try to help people all the time and I see them relaps time after time, I feel like a lot of people lack integrity, they say they have made a decision or will do something, then they go the complete different way, time after time.

    I feel it's discouraging sometimes, but I still don't want to give up on people.

    I don't see why people don't just leave their computer and mobile when they feel the urges, if it's not available you can't relapse...

    I made a decision to quit so that's what I did, I "tried" to quit for many years, just because it took a lot of time, it wasn't really important to me. when I came to this page and read the information about what PMO does to you I realised how bad it really is and I quit the same day.
     
  15. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    That’s just the nature of addiction. All we can do is attempt to help others and seek out the people who are ready to quit (hit their bottom). We can’t judge what someone’s bottom is because everyone’s “worst” is different. so there’s always a place for someone who has recovered to put out a hand and attempt to help a new guy, and it will become clear quickly if that person wants to do whatever it takes to stay sober.

    If they don’t do the work or constantly relapse, they might not be done yet. And there’s nothing anyone can do about that. It’s there journey. But one day they will be ready, and we need to be there for them when they are, so we must stay available to help when they Truly need it and when they think they need it.

    If you are someone who has sucessfully recovered from sex addiction, and you needed to add some fairly rigorous alternative activities to your life (such as 12 step work, prayer/meditation and other daily changes), then you have some proven action to help someone quit and that is incredibly valuable on this website.

    One reason I believe a lot of people can’t quit is because they are given horrible advice from people who might not be true addicts. The advice might be coming from someone who wanted to stop, so they did, end of story. For a true addict we can’t stop on our own, hence the incomprehensible demoralization. So getting advice from a non addict about how to stop (which seems to happen often in here) is poor advice for the true addict which sounds like you are.

    So the best thing you can do is offer your experience in staying sober, and what you have done on a daily basis to achieve long term sobriety. Then the forum might trend towards a more solid solution rather than answers like “just don’t do it! Fight it another day!” And more people will start to understand that staying sober for a true addict requires daily maintenance and extra work, and the real addicts will start to get the help they need.

    For me
    - I see a therapist once a week
    - Journal every morning
    - started a rigid sleep schedule
    - meditate every morning
    - say a morning prayer (I’m not religious at all)
    - changed my diet
    - attend 12 step meetings 2-3 times/week
    - and am working the 12 steps

    I am 29 days sober from all PMO today, including edging and any other questionable touching ;) I still have mental obsession and walking down the street seeing girls walk by is still pretty insane; my mind still sexualizes women like crazy, but overall it’s getting better and my daily maintenance above has helped me to not act out and really start to focus on the feelings behind the PMO addiction. I’m learning to live with the uncomfortable feelings of life and at the same time working to change those negative/uncomfortable feelings. A level of self honesty is required to do this and I’m trying ny hardest to stay truly honest with myself so I don’t cover up anything inside me.

    Hope this helps you with your question! And hope this helps motivate the true addicts like me to continue in our journey for sobriety and to help the ones who need it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2018
  16. betterlife1

    betterlife1 Fapstronaut

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    So here is the thing. Yes I want to stop and yes I also want to get back to where I was in terms of being instantly aroused by women. I guess it's the arousal/high feeling you get from watching the type of material each person is at is a hard thing to say no to in the moment. Especially when it comes to not doing any PMO for an extended period of time. I'll be honest another fear I have is what if nothing change after being away from sometime from PMO. I have an ideal situation in my mind that I'm working towards but right now seems far away and I hope that is because of the fog of PMO and conditioning. Do I want to quit? yes! Do I have what it takes to go 3 months or so without PMO? I hope so! Hope that helps?
     
  17. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    From my own experience, counting the days won't help. It's not about abstaining from PMO (except for acute phase when rebooting your brains), it's about developing balanced mindset and psychological change so you have no need to PMO anymore. PMO is just a drug like any other, giving us cravings to release tensions and stress with quick dopamine fix. If we don't find what problems are causing tensions in us and address them properly, we'll sooner or later relapse or exchange PMO for some other harmful addiction. Be it after 10, 100 or 1000 days of abstinence, it makes little difference if we don't address our cause of addiction. Learn how to live life without a need to numb our emotions through PMO, smoke, alcohol, sedatives or some other drugs should be our main goal.
     
  18. DUDE! Great comment!
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  19. Gota

    Gota Fapstronaut

    How do you determine who is the real addict and who is not? If I abstained from PMO from my first try, does it means that my addiction was not true? From your post comes that the true addict in the one who can't stop his addiction himself. But I think people have very different willpower and mindset. Even the age and past experiences are important here too.
     
  20. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    No one else can decide it. But generally the requirements for addiction are the inability to stop even when you want to, and negative consequences due to continuing the abuse and not stopping. But generally it is the inability to stop when you start. So the casual social drinks on Saturday night once a month for an alcoholic is impossible. So a casual PMO will unleash the beast of compulsion and once you start you can’t stop.

    If you have the ability to stop whenever you want without much effort, and control the amount you do it, then chances are you’re not an addict.

    This doesn’t mean PMO is ok for you, or that you don’t have a problem with it. It just means you might be able to figure out how to cope with your issue and not need the excess daily routine healthy stuff to get rid of the mental obsession that a true addict needs in order to stay sober.

    Does this clear it up?

    (Ps these are my beliefs formulated from the AA teachings which are basically the only accepted answers to addiction of all types and the explanation for the behavior or a true addict)
     
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