Accepting the things we cannot change

Comparing yourself to someone that's a different person than you... someone that has different circumstances and upbringing... someone that is on a different point in their life than you... different struggles and path than you... is kind of like you learning to play tennis for the first time, comparing yourself to someone who has played basketball for 20 years, and feeling depressed about it. It's a waste of time and energy. It's an irrelevant comparison.

Sure, if you see something you admire or respect about someone, then use it as inspiration to work towards it rather than a reason to beat yourself up over it and not do anything about it.

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As for being a control freak... you have a flawed idea of how things are supposed to be and if things don't work out in comparison to your perfect vision then you freak out. Life is messy, unideal, imperfect, and uncertain. Things don't always work out. Trying to control everything causes you to be like a leaf in the wind. Reacting emotionally to every positive and negative thing that happens in your life. It's almost like you think you have god like powers to make everything work exactly the way you want it to so everything is easy and certain... and when it doesn't (because it's reality) then you feel depressed that you aren't god after all.

It's an irrational mindset. Fantasies of how things should work and totally resists how things really work within reality.

It would be like me throwing an egg against a wall, believing that the egg shouldn't break, then it breaks, then I feel depressed that the egg broke because I feel that it shouldn't have broken despite the obvious reality of it.

You're not a god. Yet you're trying to be one by trying to control everything to fit your perfect vision. Then you feel sad that you're human after all and you have to deal with reality like everyone else.

 

It's a way for you to escape from actually living your life.

Instead of doing what you want and developing yourself, you get depressed by comparing yourself to others instead.

Instead of taking action, you fantasize about controlling the uncertainties of reality.

You shut it off when you decide to stop escaping reality.

It's easier to stay stuck in your head over analyzing everything rather than actually living in reality.

Your tolerance for facing difficulty and uncertainty is very weak because you continue to escape whenever things don't go your way.

Even now you're looking for an easy fix. It takes work to deal with pain, problems, and negative experiences.

 

Hey man I kinda know how you feel.

I also had lots of anxious thoughts about people that they will judge me about who I am. I tried to control their way of acting and thinking but you cannot and I also became depressed. I have come a long way since then and I still sometimes have some anxious thoughts but they are easily dealt with.

Something that helped me a lot was writing down my thoughts. Sometimes your mind get's so busy with all those thoughts raging through your head and you can't make it stop. If you write it down you let it go on paper. Also when you write it down try to make a positive twist to it for example:

"Today I have been thinking a lot about Bob. I said something to him and I'm afraid I said something wrong. He looked strange at me after all. Anyway, even though he might think something it is what it is and I can't change it and why should I? We are human after all and making mistakes is in our nature. Next time you see Bob just give him a good smile and be kind and he will also understand that this were not your intentions. Just be a good human being and don't forget good human beings MAKE mistakes."

This is something that is a little bit more personal to myself. Maybe your problem will look slightly different but it's more easier to give an example of my own because I don't know your way of thinking. However you can apply the same thing to every single problem!

Another thing that helped me a lot is read lots of books on Buddhism and Stoic philosophy. This philosophy is about the opposite of controlling. It's about accepting life how it is.

Also have a morning routine: You can meditate. Letting go of thoughts. Try to meditate everyday for 20 minutes and make it a daily habit. It will also greatly increase your life and reduce your overthinking about anxious thoughts.

After that you can do cold showers. This will greatly increase your testosterone and willpower and makes you overall happier. I think a cold shower is the best cure against depression

Then the last thing I can tell you is take CBD. It's hemp oil which is not addictive at all. It reduces your anxiety if you take it daily and it's also very healthy for your intestines, brain and lots of other things. You can do research on this if you are not sure whether or not to take it.

I gave you a bunch of tips and yes it sounds a lot but like elevate says it takes work to deal with pain, problems and negative experiences.

I know you will succeed if you work for it!

 

I do compare myself with others because this way I see where I want to become better.
This helps me to focus and remind me to improve myself.
And yes, you can change anything in life, nothing is unchangeable.

 

Bro, what or who are you? You are so spot on. Very motivating.

 

Escaping vs developing your reality can be a tough one.

Escaping to something like porn is easy, certain, and instantly gratifying.

Developing your reality means you have to face pain, problems, and negative experiences. It's messy, awkward, unideal, imperfect, difficult, scary, and uncertain. You have to face a lot of things that you're incompetent and insecure about, but after reaching a certain point in your development, reality becomes a lot better than the easy, certain, and instantly gratifying escapism. It's just hard to get to that point.

The bigger the barrier the bigger the rewards. If you want cheap gratification, then porn is the way. If you want higher quality pleasure, solutions, and positive experiences, then you'll have to face higher quality pain, problems, and negative experiences rather than escaping them.

The quality of the positive that you experience correlates with the quality of negative experiences that you're able to handle. It takes courage to become competent and confident in developing your reality. It's delayed gratification and there's no guarantees. That's why things like porn is so easy to indulge in.