18 years of addiction. Here is my progress so far(Advice appreciated)

Hello ladies and gentlemen! First off, thank you all who are taking the time to read this. I never really write these kinds of diaries so I am sorry if it just sounds like a cluster of nonsense lol. I just want to say that I have been a lurker on these nofap forums for over a year now and I wanted to make my first post especially on this sub after hitting 150 days seeing how inspiring and helpful this community is. Currently on Day 162. November 10th 2017 was the last time I PMO’d.


My PMO addiction started when I was about 6 years old, there were so many laptops in my house that I kept one in my bed and had a really curious mind lol. First started fapping when I was about 8 or 9. I didn’t think at first that PMO was all that bad, in fact I would get the notion that it was healthy as a young male. So now as I reflect back as a 25 year old man, its quite depressing to think how it made me go from an outgoing kid to someone that barely left their room. All the years in university/highschool was essentially just going to class then going home to play video games/watch tv series or anime/homework/studying till everyone fell asleep and then I would pmo right before bed(some days even did it 3-4 times in a row before going to sleep). When I had the house to myself I use to be super excited because the first thing I would do is PMO as well. From 10-24 that was my life, and the scariest part of all is that I didn’t ever think it was a problem nor did I ever feel unsatisfied with life.


The thing with this PMO addiction, at least for me, was that it caused me to just not care about myself. It slowly made me indulge in other bad habits. I had become extremely overweight. I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. Drinking and fapping. Eating REALLY poorly, getting no exercise. All without a single care in the world. I never attended any parties or social events, didn’t even go to my highschool prom because why do that when my virtual date was waiting for me at home at the click of a button.

So when I turned 24 the previous year in February , I wanted that to be the year that I changed for the better. I discovered the NoFap reddit and started reading stories. Thank you to all who post success stories and offer advice because it inspired me to also strive for a positive change. To be honest with you guys, it was the hardest habit to get rid of. In fact I use to think that there is no way any one could do this for more then a few days. The crazy part is its been over a year since I drank or smoked a cigarette which was my 2nd attempt quitting, yet my 160 day streak was the result of failing atleast 10 times. Its not easy so don’t feel bad but it doesn’t mean you should give up. I also have adopted going to the gym almost daily and following a strict nutrition plan which helped me go from 275 pounds to 190 pounds at 12% body fat.


I do apologize if I sound like a entitled whiny brat saying this but thinking about the past, thinking about how much time I wasted, how I could have done more productive and/or socially active activities. You see, nofap has made me more aware of the world around me, which is good in a sense, however it leaves me in a void of depression at the same time now that I am aware about how I have not achieved anything in life, have no hobbies or have any friends. I did not grow up in a broken home or have a tough life as some other posts I have read. I grew up with 2 loving parents and my siblings in a big house, not insanely rich but semi wealthy to the point where I had everything given to me and I wasted it in my room PMO’íng, and I look at myself like “Damn, that’s the best you could do with all you were given?” As a boy who grew up in the nice suburbs to now commuting to the city and seeing people who deal with real struggles and the homeless people I pass on the way to the office reminds me of that guilt everyday.


During this streak I have noticed one thing, women look so beautiful to me now. It sucks because being a 25 year old kissless virgin is like repellent and I see so many on my way to work. Honestly, and I hate to say this but sometimes I miss PMO, not for the act itself but I miss feeling of passing by women with no fucks given. Now when I see them its like a constant reminder of my inexperience and loser status. I won’t lie, I definitely had missed signals from female classmates in highschool based on what I read online recently on how women give signals, and I strongly believe it is because PMO basically dulled my senses to them so the blame is solely on myself. Now currently I am balding which makes me look like a creepy 40 year old uncle + combined with my shyness to approach people it seems my prime has past. Sometimes I even contemplated just MO’ing responsibly like maybe once a week just so I could put myself at ease from this but I know it would just eventually bring me back to where I started so I hope some of you younger dudes on this forum kick this habit before you become an adult just so you don’t become a dead beat like myself.

It really feels good to get it all out, I have never really told anyone about my addiction to PMO mainly because I don’t have anyone in my life that I would be comfortable sharing this with and posting this story anonymously makes it some what easier.


Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and I am all ears and appreciative to any advice you can give or answer any questions you guys might have about myself.


Right now my goals are:

Become more social and outgoing – any advice or resources?

Make friends and increase social circle.

Go to more social events or find some hobbies that promote social activity- outside of work what I really enjoy is lifting weights and training to be more athletic as well playing basketball on the weekends. Prior to nofap it was playing video games and watching good shows.

Also any tips on dealing with the loneliness? I feel like this was the cause to most of my relapses when trying to quit PMO.

 

Thanks, sometimes i want to see results so fast that i forget about the fact that it is gradual process from 18 years of addiction. I am going to keep that in mind TRUST THE PROCESS and take small and gradual steps toward self improvement and confidence.

Appreciate it! Greetings from Canada and keep up the good work!

There is nothing to be sorry about, Great post. You are absolutely right as it starts with me. I guess I have always had the fear of rejection or the fear of not being liked which is not the best mindset to have in a social context. Right now I want to share with you that I am taking small gradual steps towards this and develop my confidence. this is by trying to appear more friendlier, saying hello to people i would otherwise had just walked past previously, conversing with strangers on the way to work or at the gym.