Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Ahahahahaha, yes - let's just call it "BBQ spare ribs"

Have an awesome weekend too

 

Giggity Giggity

 

DAY 83:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday we had a quick nightly talk, then we caught up on some shows. A lot of our discussions recently tend to focus on where we are in this recovery/healing and how neither of us saw this coming. Then we went to watch some tv before he headed out for work. These days, I actually want him to stay home lol unlike before, where I use to countdown the clock till it was finally time for him to go to work, so I could have time in my virtual reality world (Gaming/Facebook). Yep, he got his "fix", I got mine. Now, I dread for his days off to end and the work week to begin. It's like I get filled up with all these emotions and feelings, then when he leaves, my tank runs out! :-( -- I guess it's just really difficult to put into words the feelings we've been experiencing these days. It's definitely not like it was even when we were dating. It's as though right now, we are literally on the same wavelength, mentally, physically, emotionally and intimately. I think, this is what actual real love feels like - this is what I wanted, it's what I was looking forward to; with someone else, in 3 years time - because I never imagined it was a possibility with my husband, definitely not 2.5 months ago. All I can say is, I am happy for once in my life, at this very moment. Even with the full disclosure and triggers that come and go, I'm content and my mind is at peace - because of our talks. Without our communication and honesty, I would still be cautious, always suspicious as to what he was up to, wondering if he relapsed or is back to lying... but right now - he's being an open book and that gives me comfort and has allowed my heart to open back up to him, after it was sealed up with steel reinforcements. #TALKINGHELPS #TALKTOEACHOTHER

Today we had our normal morning walk, we talked about his night - he said all went well, a few threats here and there but he noticed them and averted his eyes/attention. We also spoke about the cruise again, my fear is that on the ship/vacation there will be a cluster of "threats" all in one place and constantly "in your face", which will make it difficult for him to control himself and could cause me to also lose control of my own triggers. That's my whole issue/fear with this vacation; too much potential for nonstop/frequent "slips" which will undoubtedly become overwhelming. I know that right now we are already at a point where we can talk, work through it and find a solution, as we have already been doing these days. I'm sure that with time, he will get better at his control and I, with mine. BUT, yes, there is always a "but"... at home, is not the same as on vacation - where people go and "go all out" when swimming or getting ready to prowl the clubs on deck. I have until July to make my final decision.

Then the weather was decent in the evening and we took the girls out and there were a few "threats" (ogling) but again, he focused on me or looked the other way. Yoga pants everywhere, a big issue for him, sadly I love wearing them too lol so I can't blame the women - those shits are comfortable as hell and now they even come with smartphone pockets, so yea, chronic oglers just need to get their shit together. I spotted a few men ogling me, I've been trying a new method of making eye contact and seeing what he does, just for kicks. So far, they don't care, they keep looking. Before, I use to huff and puff, roll my eyes, look the other way and pretend that I don't notice, but now? fuck it. I want to let them know, that I KNOW and I SEE them. My husband didn't notice though, he is too oblivious lol or maybe he was too occupied with not trying to ogle himself.

Had a nice back and forth with Jennica today and I really appreciate my conversations with her, she really understands where I'm at with my healing and the kind of thought process it requires, so thank you @Jennica!

 

DAY 84:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we didn't have too much to discuss (again), seems as though we have exhausted the PA/ogling stuff, so a lot of it is often repeated topics or revisits - so I won't go over the same things here over and over again, unless there is something of substance gained for me or him that should be shared. We both have been engulfed in each other these days, just laying in each other's arms and not even saying anything at times. I think it is because that has been missing for so many years, that now, this experience is something neither of us wants to stop once we start. So we both hold on tight and don't want to let go. He had to go to work, so he asked me to pay attention to the time... but we were so distracted, that the next time we looked up at the time - he had to rush up to get ready because if he didn't - he'd be late! lol.

This morning he had to stay a little late at work, so I had to go on my morning walk, alone. It's been a while since I've gone alone and there was a time, a few months ago that I actually preferred that, to avoid small talk and so I could listen to my music. Today, I actually felt like something was missing, it felt weird. Since he wasn't there I didn't have any opportunity to hear about his night, so nothing to report on that front - but maybe we'll discuss it tonight and I will add it to tomorrow's entry.

Overall, my mood has been better and that has made me less stressed. Less stressed = feeling mentally healthier overall. The weather has also been getting a bit better, or so it seems - I don't want to jinx it LOL so, perhaps we'll be able to go out more and enjoy some fresh air, and I guess, test his willpower and progress in self-control?


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Mini project for the hubby and I, that we will also be sharing in our NoFap journals. Recommended by @Jennica.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
Week I - Monday (4/23)
Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner. done.
Task: List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable.
Honest *#Finally as of 3/05/18*
Dependable *Before Recovery
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I think anyone if given the right tools, methods, and support - is redeemable.

They just have to have the courage to take that step towards change and they must come to that decision on their own. If it is thrust upon them, it will not last.

Just my opinion.

 

DAY 85:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we spoke about... what we were thinking will happen next on Fear the Walking Dead, why people in my group don't really engage on my posts about it and it's probably because a lot of the fans have been leaving the show because they've gotten bored. Same goes for the Walking Dead, usually, as the season begins it's intense but then it gets a bit slow and a lot of the fans have been losing interest, although we still watch. Then we just talked a little about some NoFap stuff, he didn't have any triggers at work and then we just cuddled, lost track of time again, and he had to rush to get ready for work AGAIN LOL #oops

This morning we went for our morning walk, we spoke about how he loves the fact that I am the person he can turn to now for all of his successes and help with his struggles. He calls me his main AP but he doesn't really care for the label "AP" because he considers me his true best friend, he feels 100% comfortable turning to me with anything and everything, no more shame - knowing I will be there for him. He wants to/prefers to be honest with me because he knows I am there to really support him and help him get through this recovery process; ups and downs included. I am giving it 100% and not sitting on the sidelines with a to-do checklist and just having him report back to me once a week. Neither of us is saying that being both the SO in healing and being the PA's support system/AP is easy, BUT if you can progress through the initial triggers and learn to work them out, the connection and intimacy that stems from this sort of relationship - is worth it. Well, in our opinion at least.

Then he slept half the day and my girls drove me up a wall ALL DAY. Once he was up, we swung by Toys R Us - before it closes it's door forever #RIP. My parents tagged along, so that car ride was, um... headache inducing? the 10 year old was singing out loud, to herself in the back, the little one was mumbling to my left, my mom was asking me questions to my right and my dad was in the passengers seat talking nonstop - while the hubby was driving and giving me glares through the mirror lol. All I kept thinking was "I want to be in bed right now, cuddling in silence with him..."

One more hour left LOL!

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
Week I - Tuesday (4/24)
Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage. Done.
... I can speak of some, however, I don't think I am at a point in my own recovery/healing yet, where any of them aren't tainted anymore by his PA in one form or another...
Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it.
Six Flags Summer 2008 *Our first "solo/no kid date, post first DDay* My parents stayed with our daughter and let us go to Six Flags for the day. So we went, for the ENTIRE day! #freedom lol. It was fun, we both love theme parks. We actually held hands the whole time, he was being very touchy-feely, even though he was still ogling other women, I felt 'in focus' that day. We went on the Ferris wheel, plenty of roller coasters (even multiple times! like Nitro), played the water gun games, where I won this stuffed panda bear and gave it to our daughter (she has been sleeping with this toy ever since and she's 10 now!). I got my first ever henna tattoo, of my zodiac sign "Leo" and we even had one of those caricature artists draw us as comic characters, me as my favorite: Phoenix (Jean Grey) and him as Wolverine. We still have that artwork, framed.
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DAY 86:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we had a hiccup - not PA related but I have a thing about him opening his big mouth about certain topics to his parents and he is fully aware of it. But of course, he opened his mouth "on accident", as is always the case. It set me off and got me in a bad mood, because now I feel he has jinxed something I was excited for. Anyway, we talked it out and he is still trying to talk be back into doing it, but I don't know. I'm still in a mood about it. We changed the subject, talked about the day and his appreciation of how I am participating in his recovery, as his best friend/AP, talked about some other stuff and then just cuddled a bit.

As he began getting ready for work, he decided he wanted to dig up an old tablet to take to work, so he can watch shows on it. He turned it on, I stepped back into the room and he goes "oh shit! this still had that anime app on it, I just deleted it!". I was proud that he 1) told me and 2) deleted it without my asking. I wasn't even thinking about it, so I wouldn't have been the wiser. The anime app he is referring to, is a novel/comic book app for manga anime, but it has a section for hentai, which is their version of cartoon porn. That was what he used secretly before to get his "fix", after I caught him the last time. Then when that trigger wasn't enough, he went back to regular PM. So, him just telling me about the app being there, him deleting it etc., was a pleasant surprise. It showed me, just how far he has come in this recovery with his honesty. I'm proud of him.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week I - Wednesday (4/25)
Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our relationship. Done.
... I can think of a few, however, there really weren't that many, and those that were there - have been tainted by his PA (like a dark cloud now hovers over them)...
Task: Pick one such time and think about it.
>> Hubby's 26th Birthday (Weekend Getaway):
Ironically this most romantic memory/experience was only a few weeks after my first d-day. I don't know what it was, but after watching him cry, apologize, etc., it made me "want him" more. Maybe it was the rush of forcing myself to "get over it all and move on asap" because he promised it was over and like an idiot I bought it, but I wanted him real bad at the point and it kind of seemed like he wanted me then too, at least for that moment in time, as the pain/emotions were still raw and fresh. I had (pre)booked a weekend at an adults-only "couples" resort for his 26th birthday (before dday). Even after dday, we still went, this place was really, something else, neither of us have experienced anything like this before. Our room included: a two-story tall champagne glass hot tub, private heated pool (I LOVED THIS!), fireplace, dry sauna, massage table, king-size bed with mirrored ceilings overhead (like in a tacky 80's porno getup lmao) - yep, all that in your own personal space, so you didn't even need to leave LOL, unless you wanted to eat at a restaurant or watch a show. We pretty much spent the entire weekend, inside - together, and lets just say we took advantage of all of the amenities and had loads of "fun" . Well, okay we did come out to eat a few times LOL. But I can only image how much better that experience would have been, had felt felt the way we feel about each other now, back then.

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