I don't know if this is HOCD and Porn Addiction or if I am gay, and that makes me anxious and scared

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deleted Account, Apr 25, 2018.

  1. Hi.. I made other posts about this, but I am still scared and anxious that the truth is that I am gay.

    I started watching porn around 13 years old I think.. I watched straight porn. I don't think that everyone quetioned my sexuality back then. One day, for some reason I put gay porn and watched it, and I think that I liked it.. Since then I have been watching gay porn, but I didn't consider myself gay because I had a crush on a girl, and I thought that I may be bisexual or it was a phase. I had a lot of fantasies with guys, some guys and teachers from school which I didn't really have any attraction to. One day, I masturbated to gay porn again, and a thought came to my mind, "I have been watching gay porn for so long, and I don't find girls sexually attractive, that means I am gay." That instant moment, I started freaking out, searching the internet for answers, I was crying so much, I developed depression. I couldn't take anymore the idea that I am gay. So, I decided to talk a friend about it, which wasn't easy at all.. I knew that I didn't want to be gay. My friend was supportive with it, he told me that it was ok and that our friendship wouldn't break because of this. Anyway, we researched it a bit. I was talking to him about it for sometime, still with no answers, still with the idea that I am gay, but I still had romantic feelings for girls.. That happened around 1 year ago I think..
    Tomorrow I am 17. Still with no solutions.
    Today I was checking out a guy, and I was fantasizing about kissing him, and I got aroused. Another man was passing by me and I checked his beard and chest. I still keep watching gay porn, and I don't know what to do.
    There is one girl, that I think that I like, but I have doubts because of all of this, and I can't make myself make a move..
    Fantasizing about being in a relationship with a guy feels weird. Fantasizing about sex with a guy is arousing and I am scared because sometimes I fantasize about kissing a guy.. I discovered about HOCD sometime ago, and I could find some relateable things, still I am scared and anxious.. I don't feel anxious about it as much as before, and I still watch gay porn.. Right now I keep relapsing all the time to gay porn, and I feel really bad.. I don't want to be gay.. I am not sure if it is because of coming out or because I really don't want to.. I am really confused. I keep checking posts of others with HOCD here and I am scared that this is not the case for me.. Just somebody help me...
     
  2. Laganini96

    Laganini96 New Fapstronaut

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    My friend, you are young and yet have to discover your true sexuality.If you are/will become gay, you cannot change that.Your sexual orientation is something you cannot choose.I would advise you to go out with people you like, regardless if male or female.Its nothing to be ashamed off.You have to accept yourself.There is no other way.And definetly give up porn immediately.As far as being gay, it can be thought in some societies, depends where do you live.You could certainly seek some advice from other gay men on the internet, as they have probably developed ways and skills to deal with this.
    Wish you the best of luck.
     
    abernard likes this.
  3. Thanks... But I don't know what to do.. I am terrified to the idea of being in a relationship with another man.. I was managing to get it off my head for sometime, but now I have been relapsing too much on gay porn, almost everyday for the past weeks and now I am concerned about it again. I am scared that I don't have feelings for girls after all...
     
  4. Healed-Tiger

    Healed-Tiger Fapstronaut

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    Probably you conditioned your brain to gay porn. It's the kind of porn that makes your brain produce more dopamine. As you started with straight porn and still have feelings to girls. All you need is to stop porn, and start the NoFap time. Then rewire your brain to whatever you want.
     
    Deleted Account and Laganini96 like this.
  5. Laganini96

    Laganini96 New Fapstronaut

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    You should definetly quit porn and reboot as a starting point.After that you will have a much more clear picture of your sexuality as it will not be influenced by porn.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Thank you. I will try to change..
     
  7. Bobbyf76

    Bobbyf76 Fapstronaut

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    There is no telling right now if you're gay or not. Porn has corrupted your viewpoint. Porn gets old, so you move deeper into it. That's what the addiction strives on. If you stick with the reboot, and really stick with it, you'll see a change. Not necessarily that you're gay, or straight, but you will find that answer out. Right now you can't focus on what or who you want because all your brain can focus on is what your inner porn addict wants. And your inner addict is way stronger and more influential than you would imagine. It will trick you every chance it gets. In order to beat it you must not give in. Dont give up, you can do this! If you need someone to talk to you can message me about anything. I know how helpful it is to have someone willing to listen and talk with me about anything and everything. I can be a life saver. Good luck!
     

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