Questions from a wife

No offense, but he sounds like a complete scumbag. There is porn addiction ... and then there is just douchebaggery. Posting naked pics of you online without your consent is both unfathomably disgusting and a complete breach of your privacy. And him constantly talking about his ex to other men while degrading you at the same time seems both disrespectful and immensely immature and shows a complete lack of compassion for your personal feelings ... especially when he tells YOU ... his wife ... how sexy his ex was. This guy needs a quick kick to the head with a dose of reality. I'm not a marriage counselor, but your husband has some serious issues he needs to address. There's nothing you can do to make him stop looking at porn ... that has to be a decision he needs to make for himself. But if he is looking at porn on the home computer after asking you to put a filter on his phone, then you need to put a filter on the home computer as well ... although with the right know-how, most filters can by bypassed pretty easily, unless you set up an Administrator account on the computer and only allow him partial access to the computer with parental controls. If he agrees to that, then you'll have a lot more control over what he's able to do online, but he would obviously have to agree to that. And if he genuinely wants to stop looking at porn, he will.

When someone consistently apologizes ... and consistently goes back to doing the same behavior they apologized for ... the apologies no longer hold any weight and his words mean nothing. That's the honest truth. You can only believe someone so many times before their word can no longer be trusted.

I know all of your issues are compounded by the fact that you just had a child, but it sounds like you have to figure this out on your own. If counseling isn't working and he simply refuses to change ... then he clearly is only doing things out of his own interest. You seem like you really care for the guy or you wouldn't be putting so much effort into the relationship, but relationships require two people to make it work ... and it sounds like he's not taking part in that. I don't know you or him personally so I don't really have a definitive say in any of this, and it would be irresponsible of me to give you any solid advice, but to me it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

I can't give you any professional advice, but this doesn't sound like it's going to have a good outcome.

We are all on this site, both men and women alike, because we are genuinely trying to change ourselves for the better ... and each of us with a wide range of stories and reasons for ending up on this site. I don't think this is the best site to be seeking advice like this.

The only thing I can say ... is porn addiction is deeply ingrained in the mind and body ... and it's something very hard to break free from. Having said that ... porn addiction does not justify one being a complete asshole to his wife. That is an entirely separate matter and is a representation of his horrible character than the state of his addiction. He sounds like an awful human being. If I were you I would move on, but that's me.

I hope and pray that you two figure something out, but you should be looking out for YOUR best interest and that of your newborn child.

 

"Thoughts?!", you ask.

Well, I wouldn't presume to give advice. It is such a delicate situation, after all, and your story is difficult and sad. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you both see better days, together. These are only my thoughts.


You say you love him, and he says he loves you. I don't doubt that for a second. In all honesty, though, sometimes love is not enough. Sad, but true. I could go on and on about relationship crap, male brain chemistry, etc, but it is utterly useless since "All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling."

Eventually, we will do what our heart wants most. Unfortunately, for many of us guys, our hearts - along with our minds and our very being - have been corrupted by this sick, twisted, 21st-century-high-speed nightmare of a sexual world.

There is a way out, though. It starts here, on this website. I don't know whether your hubby was just browsing, or whether he was making it appear as if he were for you to find it. Regardless, if he wants to make a new covenant with you, to reconnect with you; if he really does want to change for the better - this is the place to start.

Get the right education. Get the right tools. Make shit happen for you both, NOW.
You seem genuinely spent and betrayed. Don't sacrifice your personal long-term happiness and well-being for your baby's sake, or your husband's. You need to do what is right by you, or else you may end up resenting them both.

I hope you are able to work things out, and build a happy, healthy, sexually satisfying home together.

 

Very good words. It really is a delicate topic.

 

Perhaps you both should try seeing your therapist separately for a while? costs more, but may be worth a shot.

 

It sounds like a bad experience. I lost my EX because of my addictions, all of them played a roll in pushing her away from me. I never want to lose another person because of a problem that I have some degree of control over ever again.

May I suggest maybe after exhausting all of your resources in trying to get him help that you try an intervention? I know those are helpful to people who are unwilling to face the reality of what they're doing.

 

I'm 43, married man with two kids. I just read your post and was deeply saddened. It renewed my resolve to abstain from porn today, especially because I know I'm going to be alone soon when my wife goes to work in about an hour. Reading from a wife's perspective really helps me. It's war out there. High speed Internet porn is destroying so many marriages! I'm a man who's been addicted to it for years, but the sense of shame got so bad that I found this site last month, and since then my wife and I have been doing it almost every other day. I will remember you in my prayers and hope that your husband will again appreciate what an awesome wife he has! Women like you and my wife are amazing! I totally took my wife's body for granted for a long time, but she knows I have a high sex drive and is willing to give it up to me whenever I want it, which is a lot more than twice a month now, now that I don't fap when she's gone. I'm still tempted often, but knowing she'll be able to help me when she gets home is a big help. Sometimes I still need to look at it briefly to get hard but then I always, now, go in the room to use that erection to be with her instead of masturbating. Maybe, in order to slowly wean himself off it, you might let him know that you know he needs it to get aroused (because the addiction has changed the way his brain works), but that you're willing to give him a glorious orgasm with the "real thing" in the other room once he's ready. I know that might sound degrading to you, but many married men have been hooked so long they need a "transition period" before they can completely stop. It's working for me.

 

Agree with what fapocalypse said. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.