What have you done to overcome the guilt and shame?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by MasterRoshi, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    hey all, the past 2 days I have been really depressed and bogged down with all of the guilt and shame surrounding porn. I woke up at 4am two nights ago and was restlessly awake for about 2 hours with intense sadness about what I’ve seen.

    Without going into detail on here, If there’s 100 different genres of porn, I’ve seen all 100 and decided 3 weren’t for me, but repeated looking at 97 of them for about 10 years oncand off (depending on my urge that day).

    Those genres at times bled into real life and I have done a few very shamefully things to loved ones and potentially crossed some boundaries that if people found out they would be very unhappy. Some are huge violations of trust; my addiction wouldn’t let me see them at the time.

    The other aspect of this is the mental obsession and the “lust of the mind” that is still with me and even if I don’t entertain the thought it still pops into my head and reminds me of all the past stuff, causing a spiral into guilt and shame.

    I have a therapist and a SAA sponsor but I’m terrified to talk about it with either of them because some of it could be outside patient confidentiality agreement. So I feel like it’s eating me up inside and causing my depression to flare up, but not sure how to get through this.

    what are some ways you have been able to work through your guilt and shame surrounding the taboo/extreme, the lying, the abuse of trust, the sick thoughts/actions that come with the progression of PMO addiction?
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
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  2. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    For me I was never into anything super extreme but I do have some tools to share in dealing with shame/guilt.

    Write a letter to shame. Write it all out. Everything you ever wanted to say to and about shame. Then burn it (safely!)

    Pray to ask God to remove the shame from you. Do this twice a day once in the morning and at night.

    Do some other writing about shame. Like really analyze it. Go all out. Explore your addiction to the shame or why you might be addicted to shame.

    Say no to shame. Don’t give in. Just like you don’t want to give into the urges. Consider shame another form/force that you want to say no to. Like saying no to porn is like saying no to drugs, just through shame into that category. This one is probably the hardest because sometimes the mind is programmed to just go there. But it’s good to start practicing.

    Stop using porn and the shame will diminish severely. (easier said than done I know)

    You could also do EMDR and hypnosis around shame.

    You do all that, you’ll feel like a different person.
     
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  3. I have come to learn that what is viewed in porn is from the past. None of those actors are from the present moment. Recordings that show actors performing actions. This does not mean that what happens in porn is what happens between two adults in real life. Two actors acting out in a porn scene in the context of sex being a sacred act between two loving adults is absolutely disgusting. No morality, sanctity or humility, but the mind prioritizes the dopamine rush over these qualities.

    The first line of defense is to forgive, not just yourself but what you see on screen because those actors don't know any better. They don't know the consequences of their actions and the damage they are causing their viewers. Furthermore, the mind seeks the greatest dopamine rush it can possibly have and porn brings that to the table. Unconditional self-forgiveness is a big step on the road to recovery.

    The second line is to love yourself. In my experience, the addiction is fueled by self-loathing. When more extreme material is viewed, it creates a downward spiral.

    The third line is to remember that you are not your mind. You are much more than that. Eventually, one starts to look more at one's positive qualities and to keep one's self aligned toward positive thinking and clarity. Treating people as if they were yourself. Hope that helps.
     
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  4. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys, yea makes sense.

    I have such guilt tied to it because I really abused people’s trust in real life and if they knew, they would hate me, so I will have to keep a secret from them for the rest of my life; always having that hidden experience.

    And the bad part now is the lust of my mind continues to associate those old experiences and visuals with current (fleeting) mental fantasies that I have now. So I still feel broken. I hope this calms down over time and becomes a memory rather than a current state of mind.

    What’s worse is that many of the things I’ve done or thought about are to people close to my life, such as my wife (who left me recently due to my issues but might come back if I get better), family, and friends. So there are constant reminders of my past issues. Everywhere I look I get reminded of my sick and twisted behavior, which I still don’t always see as sick. If I’m 100% honest the thoughts and memories still get me excited and I have to fight that.

    I’ve been writing about it, first just writing down my sexual history so there’s no more lying to myself. Next I will start to write about the self loathing and shame then explore that.
     
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  5. AsharKiller

    AsharKiller Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry in advance if you don't like the comment. But the guilt and shame is natural. Because when ever you do something bad like kill someone,rob someone,or vice versa you will automatically feel guilty and ashamed of yourself because we are humans and we have a natural inner instinct to feel bad when we do something bad because that is what that defines us. And don't think of not feeling guilty and ashamed because it is the only key avalaible for you to be free of PMO.Just don't go to extreme like killing yourself. I relapsed yesterday after a month by watching 1.5 hours of P though not even enjoying it much as it felt repetitive but the cause of relapse was the feeling that i am too late. Now again i live with a corrupted mind and a weak body .
     
  6. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

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    Can you explain what this is? Google brings up hard drives and stuff :/
     
  7. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, it was a very odd auto correct. I’ve corrected to “patient confidentiality agreement.”
     
  8. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

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    Ohhhhh. Are you the patient? I find it surprising that you wouldn't be able to talk about your own business outside of your meetings. Or, do you mean that the stuff you bring up might not be bound by the patient confidentiality agreement? That would be a difficult obstacle to get around, perhaps a really anonymous forum might help.
     
  9. Meditation helps me. You come face to face with your guilt and shame. And the more you meditate the more you accept it, and through this acceptance it can no longer hurt you. It’s still there, but it’s the past and no longer hurts you in the present.


    On a side note, if you need to get whatever you did off your chest you can PM me. I won’t judge. I haven’t done anything majorly bad, but I’ve hurt ones around me, been aroused by things I shouldn’t have, and felt guilt for a long time about this. Eventually I accepted this past self as my past self, and came to an understanding that if I work to improve every day eventually everything will all work out.

    God bless.
     
  10. Artwork has helped. My mind gets set in a work mode because art is something I enjoy. But my guilt and shame weighs heavy sometimes because I cannot believe how I acted for sexual gratification and not accepting the love I had. At times I feel like I’m running from it but posting on here has helped me come face to face with it. I’ve explained certain parts to people irl and it has helped but I’m not at ease completely. I’ve become my honest and while I don’t think a few years of honesty erases years of abhorrent sexual behavior, the good I have done lately does feel better then I ever have in my life.
     
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  11. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    I’m the patient. And yea the laws are ever changing and I’m not gonna trust a professional with my thoughts.
     
  12. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Do you still have the attractive thoughts and arousal in your mind from things you watched as your old self?
     
  13. loketa

    loketa New Fapstronaut

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    Time... and self improvement.

    search for epiphany55, he wrote a excellent list on dealing with guilt shame and remorse over at psychforms and his contribution to eckhart-tolle-forum is also insightful.
    I know the pain of keeping thing hidden away from other but remember that everyone has their own skeletons. If the issue is never going to come up again and all that is left is the memory then I say the noble thing is to keep it to your self, letting it all out may relive some of your guilt temporarily but it will hurt others. Some may say that they deserve to know but I counter that with people deserve to be happy and if you have a choice between making someone's life more filled with love and happiness or hurt them with the truths of long past actions I'd go with making them happy, so long as not telling them may actually harm them in the future that is, like an STD.
     
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  14. I swear that I thought i was the only one with this mentality, and it would eat at me like it was shitty thought process to have. And even some of my friends who were religious would tell me “do you think a thousand good deeds makes up for one bad?”

    I do not want to repeat the past and understand my actions could’ve had serious repercussions, but I am in control and I knew when to stop. I have learned about myself and why I kept doing what I was doing and I am taking accountability to myself to not repeat those actions.
     
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  15. loketa

    loketa New Fapstronaut

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    Those religious friend would also say that you are redeemed, that whatever higher power they're talking about cleanses you of bad deeds, you don't need to "make up for it", just live your life with integratey and move on.

    The longer you don't dwell on you past actions and learn to move on the less significant they lay in your mind.
     
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  16. Locust360

    Locust360 Fapstronaut

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    Ive lived the kind of life where I jump in head first and deal with the consequences after, so guilt and shame are something Ive become accustomed to tbh.

    My advice, learn how to forgive yourself, laugh at yourself and learn from your mistakes.

    Not a single beating heart on this flying ball we call earth hasn't been ashamed of something. The degrees of guilt and shame are only a matter of perception.

    The past and the future really do not exist, the only thing that exists and matters is right now and the choices you make right now. Those are the choices that will create your future and heal your past.
     
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