I've been addicted to my ex for almost 6 years. Really need some help.

I've had similar experiences. And I sure don't have the answers. At some point you just have to let go of the obsession. Mine stemmed from having actual porn of my exs. So even if we wernt together. In my mind I stil could be. And let me tell you. That's a hell that no one wants to be in. Eventually I just had to let go of it. All of it. The one thing I haven't let go of is the communication and seeing of said exs. And it's no easier. Idk man. It's a tough call. If she just wants to be friends. Be her friend. Just know that she's not in the sacred place. And you're not in hers. If you can't handle that. It's best just to avoid her. Don't swim in the same circles. Or frequent places you've seen her. It'll happen. But limit it if you can. There's a whole world out there full of interesting people and potential girlfriends. Stay open to the possibilities and free yourself of the burden of what was not meant to be.

 

Don't forget her, but meet new people

I think "trying to forget her" doesn't work (as long as she is the only thing on your mind).

To me it sounds as if you have too little experience with other women. As long as you don't have relationships with other women, she will obviously be the only thing on your mind.

This may sound unromantic but I think the idea that there is this one perfect person for you is born in hollywood. With more than 3,5 women on the planet chances are good that there are other women that are as compatible with you and deserve your love as much as she does. By spending time with new people you will also build a connection to them.

Just dont make the mistake of immediately comparing the feelings you have towards new people to the feelings you have for your ex. Your ex will always win because you idealize her, you spent more time with her and she was your first love (first cut is the deepest).

 

Adjoint, here's something I would do in your shoes. I would meditate for twenty minutes right after waking up.

You may ask, why would this guy know anything about my situation with my ex. Believe me, I've been obsessed with a girl before, and she still remains a distant friend. At one point I was so obsessed I could barely function, and simply walked around in circles all over town.

The key for me was one massive three hour meditation session, where I went deep enough inside that I discovered an inner confidence that stayed with me for many months after that. I keep wondering why I ever stopped meditating myself, now as I am rediscovering it.

The core skill in beating any addictive or obsessive behavior is becoming skilled at recognizing when you are in charge of your thinking, and when your thinking is in charge of you. You probably already know that. So you must find some way to master your mind. Remember, only those with an immense amount of courage can face their mind. Those with an addictive mindset like us have this unique opportunity of making our addiction a means to discover immense inner strength.

Add meditation to your routine the way you brush your teeth. Wake up, brush your teeth, and then meditate without even thinking of it as being optional. Trust me, this is a sureshot way to discover that what is inside us is many times more powerful than what is outside us.

If you feel especially tortured, journal here, and do the following:
Write out the thought that tortures your mind. Then write out the antidote. Write out some thought that makes you take charge of your mind.

Do this until you start to feel some sense of internal control. Above all though, remember that it can be done. If I can do it, you can surely do it!

 

I'm going through the same feelings of ex "addiction". We had such a powerful sexual connection, and I'm worried about never finding that again. Feeling comfortable sexually is also very difficult as I was molested as a child and continue to have baggage with new partners. Perhaps working on a nofap challenge is making these feelings more intense.
Today I realized these feelings mirror a traditional addiction with "cravings" for a relationship that will only bring more pain. Just like addicts we need to find other things and relationships to enjoy and dull the cravings to engage with fantasies of our past partners. Best of luck.

 

Hey Adjoint - is there any park or walking trail near where you live? A great way to calm yourself is to get in touch with nature. If you do have access to such a place where you're surrounded by plants and trees, I'd suggest spending a few minutes there. Once you're in such a place, you will find it easier to sit down for a few minutes to meditate.

Which type of meditation? It almost doesn't matter. It depends on what works for you. Here's some methods that I've tried in the past. You should play with them and see what works and how long is optimal for you:
1. Focus on your breath. Your mind will wander sooner or later. Gently return your attention to your breath.
2. Focus on differents parts of your body sequentially. That is, simply do a body scan, moving from toes to the head or vice versa. The idea is, as soon as your mind wanders, return your attention to that part of the body where you left off.
3. Focus on an external image (perhaps an image of someone you consider sacred or holy; Jesus, Buddha, someone else).
4. Focus on the catch in breathing between exhalation and inhalation. Every time you exhale, there is the tiniest fraction of time before you start inhaling. Similarly, every time you inhale, there is the tiniest fraction of time before you start exhaling. You can focus on that small gap between exhalation and inhalation.

There's tons of other methods, but I'd urge you to try each only a few minutes at a time, and see where you can focus longer. Hope that helps!

 

If you're having problems looking at her facebook, then unfriend her. I also don't think talking to a therapist would be a bad idea. Sometimes, just talking through things with another person can really help. I also agree with Dyler-Turden: Get out there man! Meet new people! Go on dates! It's easy to build someone up in our minds, but sometimes we just need to experience other people to realize that the one girl we've obsessed over for a few years really isn't any more special than any other girl, and less special to you than someone who is actually interested in a relationship.

 

Adjoint I can relate to some extent. I haven't seen my ex who was my first GF for like 2 years since we broke up. And I just texted her today, cause I saw a pic of some asian woman that looked exactly like her mom. That wasn't the first time I've texted her either. I say in the given year I've sent her 10 texts. I also think every BMW that passes by is her car, still to this day. Every asian chick in TV still partially resembles her. And on top of that one of my current GF's students goes by my ex's name! lol. Maybe you are like me and it's tough to forget about someone 100%.

Interesting thing Dyler-Turden said about meeting new people. I'd say I've moved on since I am in a new relationship since half a year ago. And it has definitely helped. But I still haven't forgotten.

Idk even know if writing about it reinforces the whole thing? What do you think guys?


PS: Wanted to re-affirm what Anthrope said about meditation. Yep. Just focus on breathing and in the current moment. Your mind will wander but bring it back and try again, it's like exercising a muscle or learning a new skill, or staying PMO free, you'll stumble. The more you do it though, the easier it'll get.