Did PMO fuck you up?

I'm only just learning to be around people, be around women, which sickens me. People who don't know about my addiction, but are close to me, often say that I don't smile, even when I think I'm smiling. It scares me.

 

No, I'm not faking my smiles. Sometimes it might have to do with a lack of energy, but I also used to restrain my emotions at a younger age. My addiction was one of the reasons for it, and now I seem pretty stiff to some people. It's changing, of course.

 

Yes definitely. Caused heavy symptoms both mentally and some physically.
Also after 95 days of reboot there is so much positive change.

 

This was like a trip down memory lane..! When I was younger I had to read things over and over and still didn't get things. I felt weak overall and lacked confidence in most social situations.

I sometimes think, if I had a twin brother that never discovered porn, what would he be like?? That's one way I can only imagine how PMO has fucked my past.

But the past is done, and I feel some benefits already. I will hold on for the 90 days and see what happens

 

It fucked me up man! It fucked me up real good.

 

I am excercising and eating healthy for the most part. The damage is emotional since I use porn to self-medicate stress and pain from past. Me fapping is a self-sabotaging statusquo which prevents me to make a leap from what I am even harder. I am changing for the better, but fapping is hindering that process. It's staggering to try to quit something for about 3 years and still, not doing it when you know the negative effects it can cause and when you feel those same effects. Each fap I do means I'll stay the same, but staying the same is hard when you know you can be better. So yeah, apart from feeling physically drained after hard binge session, you basically hate yourself after it because you know you're screwing yourself and screwing your future, but still use fap to numb that feeling and that's the vicious cycle.

 

That's pretty much how i started out, young age, internet with unfettered access, gradually moving on to more bizarre and taboo genres and then you have the illusion of anonymity and that feeling of not really being present because you are separated by a screen. It was something i NEVER told anyone about, you simply didn't talk about stuff like that, yet so many people go online and peruse the filthy underbelly of the internet like Golem searching for the magic ring.

I ended up later on in my porn use moving towards stuff that wasn't legal and i paid (am still paying) a heavy price and I have a criminal record now so i would warn people that what you start out looking at doesn't necessarily remain the same, the longer you progress through the addiction, ie: searching for porn on all manner of web sites or p2p the more likely you are to discover content that is not legal. That's not something i took to straight away, most people who get in trouble for just downloading or accessing content are at first disturbed by what they see but the nature of addiction is we need more intense stimuli to get the same wow factor and as time progresses, these new and different categories become something you start looking for...for the omg or wow moment. Interestingly it's the same harm minimisation internal narrative going through your mind looking at that stuff as it is when you go on to look at any other different genre, things like 'it's just a picture' 'i'm sure it's not that bad' 'i'll look just this once'

I can tell you that it is possible to live your life without ever feeling the need or desire to look at porn again...any porn, i'm 3 years sober from porn, alcohol and drugs and i've learned and experienced these intense emotions fade over time providing you can maintain the abstinence and introduce new activities in your life which satisfy you creatively, intellectually and socially.

I look back at my behaviour and where i ended up and at times i feel like i want to go back in time and repeatedly hit myself over the head with a heavy and blunt object. yet at the time when you are in active addiction it is like not being able to see the wood for the trees.

 

That's great you've had such a change dude!

What do you credit to the change in who you are now?

 

Made me into a major procrastinator; I would always sets goals enthusiastically in order to spend time on something positive other than porn. I would think i can control my addiction by trying to limit my PMO to once a day but then focus on my goals; this would spiral out of control which often results in masturbating 3-5 times a day bearing in mind it sometimes would take 20-60 mins to find the perfect material to jerk off to. The whole day would be wasted and goals not being met; it was like a snowball of depression- goals not being met and can't control my impulses- it was horrid- I'm going to beat it- hopefully we can both achieve our goals to beat this debilitating addiction. Good luck brother

 

PMO made me incapable of treating women like people. Ever since I started NoFap I've discovered the amazing joys of simply being friends with girls, rather than trying to 'get' them. Oh also I lost like 20 kilos (44 lbs) and am no longer obese. I no longer eat as a coping mechanism, only to survive.

 

From time to time i have episodes of depression- low moods nothing severe- itss other factors in my life too- once i feel down i overthink which then i add everything i feel that is wrong with me including my porn addiction, my ability not to achieve goals, and my physical appearance- etc. Brain fog i have suffered before being addicted to porn- i have always been a worrier since i was young for e.g i remember baliffs would come to my house for unpaid bills that my brother accumulated- he couldn't pay then this would stick in my mind for days which contributed to brain fog- this affected my ability to concentrate in school. I still suffer from brain fog where i dwell on things but the moping time has lessen- so my brain fog has started to clear abit

Going back to porn-yes porn has definitely made my brain fog worse- since i have abstained from porn 25 days ago my long-term memory has started to come back- i can remember things like what trainers i wore 20 years back in detail, things like that. I haven't suffered from depersonalization/derealization or anhedonia.

Keep your head up- better days are ahead

 

How you doing now?