Halfway to 90 days!

Well, the title says all. I've made it 45 days without porn, which is halfway as far as my 90 day reboot goes. I feel really good today! I'm not always the best writer, but I'll try to share whatever encouragement I can here:

First of all, I have learned that sobriety (not just from porn, but in a more general sense as well) is one of the greatest gifts you could possibly give yourself. Addiction is like slavery. You work hard for it, and you don't get anything in return. Your addiction will continue to take things away from you until there's simply nothing left to take: your freedom, your happiness, your sexual health, your confidence, your social life, your relationships, and more. This is why sobriety is such a wonderful gift: when you give yourself the gift of sobriety, you're really giving yourself a second opportunity to live a healthy life. You're giving yourself the chance to live a free, happy, healthy, confident, social life.

Second of all, I have learned that quitting porn is not a sacrifice at all. I've tried quitting many times before, and I've never truly felt successful until this time. I think a large part of the reason I had so much trouble quitting in the past was due to my mindset, which was always telling me that I was sacrificing my porn usage for something bigger than myself. The problem with that reasoning is that making a sacrifice implies that the thing you are giving up has some sort of value, and porn does not add any value to my life whatsoever. I refuse to use language like "I'm giving up porn", because it's not accurate. The more accurate way to describe my situation is "I'm free from porn". This might seem like a silly psychological trick, but I think it makes all the difference.

We spend most of our addiction rationalizing its' existence: I watch porn because it relaxes me. It satisfies my sexual desires. It's a good way to unwind at the end of the day. I deserve it.
These are all lies. Porn never relaxes me, it just makes me feel guilty, ashamed, and stressed out. Porn doesn't satisfy my sexual desires, it just makes me feel empty and alone. Porn is not a good way to unwind at the end of the day, it makes it harder for me to sleep due to all the guilt, shame, and stress. I don't deserve porn, I deserve to be free!

45 days ago, I opened a hard drive containing many hundreds of gigabytes of porn I had accumulated over the years, and I completely wiped it. I had tried quitting porn so many times before that night, but that little moment of deleting all that porn really felt like the beginning of the end of my addiction. When I had tried quitting previously, I dreaded the moment that I would have to delete everything on that hard drive. I had become so attached to it, and letting go of it didn't even feel like an option because it felt like a great sacrifice. When I actually deleted all that porn, I realized that all of that dread was just a trick in my mind, one that was meant to keep me trapped in the slavery of my addiction.
When I finally deleted all that porn, I was not filled with fear, or with a feeling of sacrifice. Instead, it felt like I had finally taken a huge weight off my shoulders. I laughed out loud. It was a moment of elation. It was actually one of the best feelings I've had in a long time. It felt like I was finally free.

At this point, the only mystery that's bugging me is how I wasn't able to see any of this obvious stuff earlier in my life.

If you read all of this, I hope it's helped motivate you in some way. Quitting porn is challenging, but it's one of the best things you can do for yourself right now. Give yourself the gift of sobriety!