I decided to join NoFap to address some serious issues

I'm 20 and Indian - my society is in a hogwash regarding when it's appropriate to have sex; it's normal to hear about people at it at 15, and it's equally normal to have not had sex till about 27, after which marriage normalises concerns for having children and thus sexual activity.

I developed a fetish towards hair removal by the age of nine, and ejaculated for the first time at the age of ten, when I was snipping at my pubes. Almost within a week, and for the next 10 years, it became habitual to masturbate to fantasies of removing hair, and this was never instigated by porn - I have never had the urge to watch pornography to masturbate. I even began shaving myself to masturbate to the act. However, age 16 onward, I began getting sexually stimulated by pictures depicting hair removal, mostly women, often even those of men (although I identify myself as heterosexual). I often end up staring at women, gazing on each facial detail to determine their shaving habits.

Note: to save the detail, every use of terms like "fantasying", "masturbating to", or succumbing to my urges in general will refer to me imagining the person removing their body hair or undergoing facial hair removal (as a programmer, it seems easier to declare this beforehand instead of repeating myself over and over, which might stimulate me further as I type).

Alongside my weird sexual development following my school years, whenever I would meet a girl I liked, I would end up fapping to her. At first, it was rejection - the person, daughter of a teacher in my school, would refrain from speaking with me, and I gradually grew over her, rationalising away the feeling behind a moral or intellectual high ground when rumours about her being somewhat whack began to reach me.

Then, I met J, who had been in my school since elementary. She was fair, thin, anaemic to a degree. The first time we spoke on Facebook, I perceived that she was deeply disturbed and traumatised by her family and her boyfriend, and considering it humane to see her through this mess, I fell in love - limerence as I recall - admitting my feelings early on, and though she was committed at the time, we became good friends, talking about memes, crazy stuff, having fun in general. We even shared details about our habits. But with this seemingly healthy interaction came my creepy fantasies about her shaving, and the fapping. Almost immediately, she picked up shaving (at 14, that should be relatively normal), and that worked itself into me. We stopped talking for some time when I first insisted her to leave her - heavily self-opinionated - negligent boyfriend (this person would call me one night, weeping that he'd cheated on her). We then returned to normal, and she had started seeing improvement - she was happier, socialised much better, arguably much healthier - she was generally doing well. There were ups and downs - stealing books, sharing funny pictures, videos, casual conversations, and oh boy could she swear like a sailor. There was both this sense of awe, a deep love for her exceeding but enveloping my fantasies. Then, we got promoted to grade 11, equivalent to high school. New students from other schools began enrolling, she became fast friends with a girl (naturally!), we switched streams (I got Science, she was coerced into Commerce), and our classes were a floor apart, and customary of weaning off from studying with your mother, my grades dropped. I lost my mind - I began getting confused, sorrowful, and my urges went through the roof (no pun intended). Even she'd remarked that I seemed more sad than usual. In this period, my fantasies took over - love overcome with weird fetish. One night, I broke down, and locked myself in a room till my parents forced it open, tears in their eyes. About a month before Grade 12 ended, I was borderline harassing her, and she'd rebuked me, telling me to stay away from her; the conversations were coloured with hatred, fury. Had I simply stayed away from her, 24th November 2016 would not have seen me expelled for hitting her on her bottom. She broke down on the spot, crying. The wait at the principal's office was the longest in my life. Fortunately, I was allowed to give the exams for passing out of school. We met at the venue, and I was overcome with excitement when we shook hands - I'd prostrated myself on the spot - yet, we would never speak again from then on. I cannot shake off that incident from my head, even though I no longer fap to her anymore - from shame, possibly reprogramming my mind. She took up art soon after, and got back with her boyfriend. An email was exchanged on my birthday in 2017 - close mutual friend T obliged to this behest, and though austere, I treated it as a closure to those events. Later, of course, I would learn that she still hated me at the time, and the letter was a tactful play of diplomacy that my friend ended up arranging. Regardless, it served me well to forget her, at least.

With a more or less okay result card and failure to get into the prestigious IITs got me to enroll in a deemed-to-be-university, away from my home. Here, old friends from my school came too, and in the boy's hostel, amazing friendships were made. However, after the incident in high school, I could no longer talk to girls anymore. I was almost always in a position where I would meet a girl, try to socialise, and without knowing it, begin flirting ridiculously - once, my friend saved it from becoming awkward by texting the girl back from my phone, another time, I ended up having a tussle with a girl's boyfriend. Minor incidences, yet majorly affected by the events from my past. Since we shared rooms at the boy's hostel, I'd masturbate in the hostel's common bathroom.

Then, I met W in my department, with a stark resemblance in terms of complexion to J, a sociable personality and a modest build. I felt a need to talk to her, and eventually I contacted her when she was selling tickets for a TEd-Ex event. Initially, I had no problems speaking with her - she befriended T, and all of us once met casually. When we began sharing classes in sophomore year, she would approach me for notes (among a number of other people, but why should that be a problem? It's fairly normal). But then, the fantasies hit - I would have fantasies of her. The crippling sense of shame from my past came back, and I decided to text her about my tendency to end up bringing her harm if I took my feelings too far. Naturally, she said no, having spoken with T about my behaviour, but decided that it would be okay if we just continued on, albeit severely restricting conversation, stating that she wouldn't engage in small talk, and mutually agreeing on not sharing notes, even stating that I did creep her out. However, I would text her at times, and this caused her to grow apathetic toward me - we argued on a chat and I decided to give myself a month to get over her - but the feeling of limerence toward her became stronger. At the start of 2018, we scarcely talked, and after Februrary 14, we greeted each other. Yet, I found myself in positions where I'd end up following her, almost stalking her, with mixed intent - the reason was always in an effort to speak to her normally. Her friends around her, who never had any inhibitions speaking with me, now had facades of varying degrees of coldness whenever I passed. We met at a McDonald's where I had invited myself, and when I asked that if she had any issues with my presence, she responded with "it's your wish if you wanted to come around". On my 20th birthday, I decided that it was time to ditch the fantasies of making conversation with her (seemingly not concerning anything sexual) and called her, on each of the three days that followed, and each time, getting no as an answer for me inviting her to a treat, the last one ending on her quite rudely cutting off the call (I wouldn't blame her in retrospect; a guy who calls you for three days straight is a likely harasser). She promptly blocked me right after that, and I stated on text that this was an effort to socialise with her, but that if she rejected any perceived "advances" for being creepy alone, it was best to move on. She stated that was the best thing to do, and that there was nothing to patch up, confirming that I had done enough. Yet, another birthday came along, and I followed her into the place, crashing the party-treat but without much animosity from everyone - I ordered my own drink and only ate what was offered. However, it was clear that she was extremely hostile, and basic decency masked it. I was disillusioned, and found it imperative to address this.

I masturbate more than four times a day, before bed or around morning, and the urge is pronounced when I'm at home, mostly triggered unconsciously.

I don't face problems speaking to girls all the time; however, I always feel like I'm at the brink of churning some fantasy about them, in general shunning myself from social circumstances. I fear alienation, and hearing about people speaking ill of me has recently gotten me into a feeling of confinement. My friends, the ones from freshman year, my flatmate and close friends admit that despite my weird attitude and unique social disposition, they're happy to speak to me.

If you've come this far, I thank you for reading my accounts on socialising with women, and hope that the critique I get from here will help me in my progress towards realising my potential, and fulfilling my dreams of designing better video games.

 

It seems I always had a superiority complex due to my early grade performance and a general over-pampering from my parents. I was also somewhat wimpy, calling home to report bullying incidents, even in case of strict teachers. I wasn't given no for an answer, but where necessary, there was an unconscious limit to my whims, which may have started collapsing once my elder brother was out on his own. Many would think I was "that nerdy kid" until I began socialising with people in my residential complex in earnest, although cultural activities and hobby classes would often bring us together at times when we were kids. A similar image broke when I transitioned to "the weird kid" towards the end of middle school.

More recently, the fetish has only wrapped around people I have romantic feelings for. Occasionally, it would spring to someone random or an acquaintance, though this has not been a case recently, as in an attempt to block out people I know, I would fap to material that would arouse me - non-pornographic, of course.

 

I relate with your sentiment completely. It would seem that PMO-related issues keep us both, and likely many more, from normal social interaction. Let's improve with what basis we have.