How do I talk to her about this?

I think you'd better not focus on it too much. You can make an argument, but she has to embrace the idea of her own free will.

Also, her experience may be different than yours. Male and female parts don't seem to work by the same rules, and besides, not everyone who faps has a truly problematic addiction to it. Consider fully listening to her point of view before you charge in on a mission to fix her perspective.

If you're too pushy, one of two things will happen; she'll either get disgusted with you and cut off discussion on the topic, or she'll lie to you to smooth things over. Both of those outcomes would be damaging to the relationship. You can't police her on this. You can only decide whether it's worth picking over and/or a deal breaker for you.

 

Why does she have to quit masturbation? In any event, if you really care for her, your focus must be on giving her the space in which she can discover the path to her own growth. We can't really know anyone else's trajectory in life. The best we can do is to be there for them, be the best we can, and allow them the room for discovering their own genius.

 

Sure. That room is most frequently found in areas outside your home, after you kick her out from your life.

Seriously - you guys really wouldn't mind your woman telling you she actually prefers doing it herself rather than having you in bed?

 

Anger issues, Ekhangel? I suggest taking ten deep breaths my friend. People are multilayered, and someone may choose to masturbate while in a relationship. Are you saying it is okay to coerce them not to? Since when did masturbation become a relationship dealbreaker? Choosing to masturbate is not an indication of a lack of support or willful sabotage of someone's nofap journey.

'Your woman' - that sounds very territorial to me; not sure whether you meant it that way. Now are you suggesting that a woman in a relationship should always prefer the man to something else? Personally, I don't think so. She is free to choose what she wants, so long as it has been discussed and agreed upon beforehand. The same goes for the man. If he chooses to masturbate instead of having sex with her, and they've discussed it and she's okay with it, that's fine too. Since Fapstronaut5296 met the girl only recently, this is still a developing relationship, and presumably there's lots of discussion to be had before they decide on what is acceptable long term. Remember nofap is a choice, not something that you coerce someone into.

Speaking in purely practical terms, if she is addicted to masturbation, and is yet to really question it, a compassionate awareness of her needs is probably far more effective in getting her to participate in nofap herself than trying to dictate terms.

 

I don't care what is okay and what isn't. I say I personally would demand mental as well as physical loyalty from my (potential) wife (and would offer the same, naturally). If you don't, then it's fine. I admire your tolerance and liberal attitude. Not. A relationship is a contract, I was just wondering about your terms of it and presenting my own.

If anyone is addicted to anything, then it'd IMHO best not be brought into a relationship, if you treat it seriously, as means of founding a family, not just playing around. Otherwise, do what you want indeed.

 

@Ekhangel - I agree with anthrope. A woman's body is her business. What she does with her own body, by herself, on her terms - is her issue. Of course, you have the right to demand whatever you wish. I hope you find a partner which is compatible with your views.

"If you don't, then it's fine. I admire your tolerance and liberal attitude. Not."

Just a piece of advice, my friend: cynicism will get you nowhere, in my opinion. Not in this forum, anyway. If you want your words to be heard and considered with all seriousness, I'd drop it. People are layered, and it takes all sorts to move the world. Just because you have a firm opinion, for better or worse, does not mean others should share it. I am sure you know this to be true.

Yes, a relationship is a contract.
Contracts, like people, come in many forms.
Some people have addictions. Not bringing them into the relationship may mean hiding a whole other side of you, for a long time, maybe for life. A part of you and your life, which your partner knows nothing about. Something which affects you and those around you. Is that fair?!

Jah bless!

 

I personally don't think you should demand anything from a potential wife.

 

Ok guys, I've been into too many extensive and inconstructive political/philosophical quarrels on this forum already, so I'll keep it simple and general not to provoke anything:

- Of course what one does is one's business. In respect of this rule, one is fully entitled NOT TO tolerate certain behaviors within a relationship - bearing all the consequences of such a decision. I would personally never tolerate my partner's sexual disloyalty, and was wondering about your preferences in that field. That's all.

By saying that I would keep addictions off a relationship I meant that you shouldn't engage in relationships being addicted - you should first cure your addiction and then seek partners as a (mentally) healthy and stable being. This helps making more rational matrimonial decisions and avoiding future suffering.

@beauty

Well then, I can't imagine my potential wife not demanding anything from me. Such a relationship would be dull as f**k.

Btw. Hatter - you have no reasonable interest in hoping anything for my future intimate life, so I must acknowledge your statement as being cynical.

 

I can understand that, perhaps the word "demand" isn't a word I would have used to describe this. I too would expect and require physical and mental loyalty, however I would not "demand" it. I guess the word just sounds a little forceful.

 

Sure, sure, mutual understanding, respect, open mindedness. I forgot to put in the politically correct buzzwords.

 

I agree, MadHatter. Freedom and honest communication are integral parts of any relationship. Also, you're right - cynicism is not helpful in a forum where people are dealing with seriously addictive mindsets. Thanks for articulating this.

You may be right, perhaps some part of this is a language issue.
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Ekhangel, regardless of whose opinion is right, we've all experienced the outrage we feel when we think we are right. Know what I mean? The sense of 'I am right, you are wrong'. In my experience it is very rewarding to pay attention to how your body feels when you feel this outrage. Try it out sometime.

Cheers.

 

Anthrope, I don't quite know what you're talking about. Where did I say anybody is right or wrong? I am a moral subjectivist and don't give a toss about who is right or wrong. This does not prevent me, however, from clearly articulating my preferences and asking about yours. Also, relationships are not established out of a need for freedom. You are free when you're a single. A relationship is a purposeful limitation of your freedom (like any contract) established for the sake of mutual benefits. Now, I will say this for the last time: everyone is free to enter any sort of a relationship, ranging from ultra-conservative Christian one to just shagging each other occasionally. But this any kindergarten kid should know already, and that's not what was the subject of our discussion here.

With your enlightened remarks you're not contributing to the discussion anyhow and just wasting our time, really. And as for the language issue: my English might not be perfect, but I do know the difference between "expecting" and "demanding". A relationship is a contract that you are fully entitled to DEMAND execution of.

 

Ek, it's apparent that people keep correcting your language on this forum mainly because you're being rude, not because you lack technical mastery. Perhaps you should change your tagline to suit.

 

Woah, ekhangel let's chill out for a moment. There's no need for all this now. Let's talk angel to angel. I totally understand where your coming from: your just voicing your opinion and are asking others about theirs. But, step back and look at both sides of the coin. We're all brothers and sisters on the forum. Let's all try to be respectful. But back to the subject, this whole debate is about something someone can tolerate in a relationship. Don't expect everyone to see your views. We all walked different paths and can tolerate many different things. I'm sorry if I sounded or was disrespectful or rude in this comment. If I was I don't mean it.

 

Going back to the question posed by the OP - how do you talk to her.

First I will agree with the majority here, it's her body, and also that she has to want to quit.

But to use the OP's words, he is a porn addict. She may or may not be, but if he were a sober alcoholic, would dating a practicing alcoholic be a good move? I would say not.

Personally since he has feelings for her and thinks she may be the one, my recommendation would be to have a frank discussion, tell her your issues, find out if this is an addiction for her. Assuming it's not, then as long as you can agree not to bring things into the relationship that will trigger you, it may be OK.

Additionally different people have different sex drives, if she does not go outside of the relationship and does not flaunt it in front of the OP, it may be ok.

For me, I would personally be hurt, in that I would feel I was not enough for my wife, but this is just me.

Anyhow, that's my thoughts

 

I don't think preferring masturbation over real sex automatically makes an addiction. We might be a bit biased when it comes to a topic like this. We must remember that we are a minority (at least that's what I hope).
How about approaching this problem from a more technical standpoint? I assume that you and the girl you started going out with are still fairly young. So both of you probably haven't had that many partners. From an anatomical perspective women are harder to satisfy than men. I guess every guy knows that. It could be possible that she never had a partner with enough skill.
If I were in the same situation I would consider it a challenge. Needless to say I would be offended a bit, but given that I love her I would try my best to become the best lover she ever had.

 

What if we flipped this and she told you you needed to masturbate more? Either way, you're both entitled to an opinion and a perspective, but changing the other person to suit your needs is selfish.

If she's the special one and it's not causing you emotional or physical distress: make her masturbation something you can do together. Watch and learn. Add to her experience by touching the places she can't cause her hands are busy. Make eye contact. It should make her feel loved and accepted.

Once she feels loved, and you know her better, you can see for yourself if there are any things she is unhappy with in her life that masturbation may be causing. When she is upset or complaining over these things, wait until she is calm, and then raise the topic. Just express your belief, maybe drop some science, and leave her to mull it over. Don't put it out there while you're still new. Give it time.