Cowardice

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, May 6, 2018.

  1. I’m a coward. That is why I watch porn. Throughout my life I have never been able to stand up for myself. Random guys have numerously touched my penis because they thought it would be funny and I did nothing. I started developing depression in high school. I told my parents about all these things that happened to me and they couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. I hate myself so much. I’m 22 and my birthday is on the 1st of September. I have no job, no girlfriend, no friends. I promised myself that if something didn’t happen by my 23rd birthday I’d kill myself. I watch porn to escape my reality and stay out of my head for the next four months. I hate my family, my parents, my former teachers, everyone I thought I could trust. I wanted to kill myself 3 years ago, but decided against it. And to this day, I can’t think of a good reason why I just didn’t go through with it. Everything sucks at the moment, I have no one to talk to, I have wasted time and money with therapy IRL and online and I don’t know how much longer I can hold out, especially during the next 4 months ,but I always think to myself, at least I have porn. On my worst days I’ll start at 10/11 at night until 4/5 in the morning.


    I don’t know what to do.
     
  2. James0224

    James0224 Fapstronaut

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    Okay. Firstly, there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel.

    What you need to do is keeping pushing forward. Even when times are awful, it is still worth pushing through because there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

    Get that countdown of 4 months out of your head.

    Hating yourself is not a good mindset to have - it will keep you in a negative cycle.

    Be happy with yourself that you got yourself on here and wrote this thread - it shows you want to get better and want to live a good life. Writing this thread shows you have the DESIRE to improve, which is the most important step.

    Keep going.

    Make full use of these forums. Do a daily journal. Go on the self-improvement page and do the gratitude attitude challenge - it can be really simple things that you have never thought of:

    I am grateful to be breathing

    I am grateful to be able to eat well

    I am grateful for mother nature

    Have you looked into simple breathing meditations? That can really help get your thoughts in check.
     
    Wario32, Immature, btwiseman and 2 others like this.
  3. kio_actualized

    kio_actualized Fapstronaut

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    Don't kill yourself.
    The few people who survived jumping off the Golden Gate bridge said they did regret jumping the second after they did it.
    Suicide is not the answer.

    You don't have to go through this alone and I believe you can really make some friends here. Many people here have been through the same you did and surely I can relate a lot to your story.

    What strategies have you tried to follow in order to get a better life?
    I'd like to have this information so maybe I know what to suggest.
    Have you tried accountability? Did you try to build some healthy habit?

    This video was a bit inspiring to me, maybe it has good insights for you as well


    Let's keep moving forward, we can do it, dude!
     
    SpacePumpkin and James0224 like this.
  4. James0224

    James0224 Fapstronaut

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  5. I can see a lot my self and how i used to feel in your post. You've got to the point in your life where you know that porn isn't adding anything of value but despite that knowledge you still have the urge and compulsion to use. I know what that feels like and it's difficult but not impossible to overcome. You have the added benefit of age on your side, knowing and accepting the problem you face at 22 is much better than waiting until your 30's like i did. I got to the point where getting help was not just an option but compulsory since my using escalated onto illegal content and i was arrested. I tried to commit suicide 2 years ago by taking an overdose and cutting my arms up with a razor blade, i ended up in hospital and i'm still here because i didn't really want to end my life...i just wanted to end the pain I was going through at the time.

    I would highly recommend speaking to the Samaritans, i have done on a number of occasions and whilst I know it's really tough to talk on the phone to a complete stranger, i can assure you that they are trained and compassionate people who will listen to you and help you to get out of the negative place you might be in in your head, it's also completely anonymous and confidential.

    When we're sitting on our own ruminating about the if's, but's the could have's, should haves or our perceptions about ourselves it helps to have someone on the end of the phone to help you think more clearly. Depending on where you live there might even be drop in centres for the samaritans if you want to talk to someone face to face.

    Today I have a job, i have a couple of friends, i have hobbies that i really enjoy and I no longer view porn or use drugs, it's taken hard work and the ability to hold on to a vision of what I want my life to look like (realistically) and it's also been vital to get help, both from a psychologist and group therapy.

    I would say regarding your therapy that you say you wasted money on, not all therapists are equal and they specialise in different things. A trauma therapist or family relationship therapist may not be able to help you with porn addiction but a psyhosexual therapist probably will. I went to two different councilors a couple of years before i was arrested because I knew I had a problem but they weren't trained about porn addiction and my last one even told me she was out of her depth with regards to my online porn addiction. It can take a bit of time finding the right person that can help but don't let that get in the way of trying.

    There are groups you can use like SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) or if you have problems with drugs things like CA (Cocaine Anonymous) and even if you don't subscribe to the whole higher power thing, you may still make some good friends and meet some inspiring people.
     
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Is that an ultimatum for god / universe / luck to give you something without you having to put any effort into changing your life?

    What have you done to make "something" happen? What are you doing on a daily basis to make "something" happen with the time and energy equal to what you put into porn and escaping reality? It's hard to develop reality if you're escaping it.

    Your past sucks. It does for a lot of people.... but you're dwelling on it. You dwell on it even more in therapy. You dwell on it on this forum. Then you escape from it through porn until you feel like dwelling on it some more. Where's the part where you're making effort into getting a job / friends / girlfriend?

    Sure, you probably have the right to place blame on past people, but at some point you'll have to take responsibility for the way you're shaping the present and the future. You can't just point the finger at the past forever. That's also a form of escape. Why go through the process of facing the scary, difficult, uncertain, and painful problems of reality when I can just dwell on the past and watch porn?
     

  7. I'm in my head a lot so that might help a little thanks. I'll check it out. It's just that I'm the type of a person who if he receives 9 compliments in one day and 1 insult, I focus on the insult. And I struggle to just move on and see the positives, if there are any.

    I have tried going out there and forcing myself to make friends and even asking girls out. But because of my anxiety it can be difficult and I can come across as awkward and/or creepy. My anxiety is also what makes it a bit hard to find work. Whenever I do, my "friends" just leave me for no reason after a while or they probably get sick and tired of my depression. When girls agree to go out with me for a coffee they usually never return my phone calls or messages after I've asked them and i never hear from them again. I know you should keep on trying but there's a difference between your 2nd rejection and 20th rejection. BTW thanks for the video, I haven't watched it yet (I will), but I appreciate it.

    I don't know you, but I'm really happy to hear everything worked out for you. Thanks for group recommendations. Most days I don't talk to anyone anymore so it'd be nice to make some acquaintances. I don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist of any kind right, because it's kind of my issue with so many things in my life right now: if I have always failed or if things ever never worked out, why should I believe it'd be different once I try again, I don't have reason to believe that.
     
    kio_actualized likes this.
  8. progressiverockguy

    progressiverockguy Fapstronaut

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    Hey man! I know it's kinda hard but if you just need to talk to someone distant about things you might not be comfortable, I'm available.

    Just send me a private message.
     
    kio_actualized likes this.
  9. I read an article that said that those people immediately realized that all of their problems in life could be fixed - except the fact that they had just jumped off the bridge!

    Nobody can help you if you're dead. Perhaps a psychiatrist can help you with an anti-depressant.

    You need to stick with the job no matter what your "friends" say or do. And you are right to put it as "friends" - these are not your friends at all.

    So many people here say that when they stop PMOing, their anxiety goes away. You really should stop PMOing and see what happens.
     
  10. kio_actualized

    kio_actualized Fapstronaut

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    This guy likes progressive rock, 1+ reason for sending him a message xD

    But yes, seriously, having a accountability partner can be really good. If you want someone from a specific location/background you can open a topic and ask for it. I'm SURE you can find lots of people here who are willing to talk and help, like the @progressiverockguy and myself included.

    The opposite of addiction is connection, so give it a try if you feel like it =)
     
    progressiverockguy likes this.
  11. 333

    333 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I just wanted to tell you that you've got NO IDEA what good things may come to you in life. When I was your age, I flunked out of college, got thrown out of my house, ballooned up to 310 lbs out of depression, and started trying to support myself with a minimum wage job in Nowhere, West Virginia. I used to rummage through supermarket dumpsters for loaves of bread, and sleep on the kitchen floor, in front of my oven, during the winter, with all my coats and blankets on. I was at the lowest point in my life.

    Fast forward six years, and I was living in NYC making six figures a year, in the best shape of my life, and having an absolute adventure. You're WAY too young. And you habe WAY too much potential to be talking like this. If you can just find your resolve, and start taking massive action, you could set your whole fucking world on fire. Believe it! You're not being served by this fatalism.

    EDIT: And let me add this... if you feel like you have nothing to lose, then just absolutely go for it (i.e. making a better life) and fear nothing. When I hit my low-point, and decided I had nothing left to lose, this piece of music seemed to capture the spirit completely. I decided that I was just going to go balls to the wall and not be scared of anything anymore.

     
    Last edited: May 11, 2018
    SpacePumpkin likes this.
  12. SpacePumpkin

    SpacePumpkin Fapstronaut

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    At first I wasn't sure if I could/should take that video seriously but I was in shock by the end of it. I sweat it brought my whole world crashing down around me. I could feel missing pieces to my puzzle fall and click into place. Thank you for sharing that
     
    kio_actualized likes this.
  13. SpacePumpkin

    SpacePumpkin Fapstronaut

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    Hey man I really sympathize with you. I was abused by family when I was young. Obviously it's a little different (not that yours is any less worse) than what you went through but believe me when I tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel. The blame to yourself and others, the anger, the self loathing, the helplessness. I'm sorry you went through that. But what happened to us is not a reflection of our character. It does not define me. It does not define you, my friend.

    Unfortunately, only your legs can carry you forward. Hell, I'm still trying to sort it out myself. Healing from your past is letting go of it and... forgiving. I know you don't want to hear that as I didn't before you. But it starts with first forgiving yourself. Then maybe one day your parents and even one day the agressors. You don't ever have to tell them. You dont ever have to harbor love for them. Forgiving them is releasing the power your past has over you and only you can know what that forgiveness really means. And It might take years. I'm 27 and it's taken me 6 years. But I was able to heal. So can you brother.

    You are an amazing person. Sure I don't know you but I do believe that 100%. Your a miracle of nature, the most amazing and complex creation this universe has to offer, and you have a capacity to love that only people who have been in our situations are capable of giving.

    When broken bones heal, they become stronger than before. Find your strength in healing. Take pride in who you are and the lessons you learn.

    Maybe I came on kinda strong with all that but if you ever need to talk, hit me up. Only you can pick yourself up, but I get it, and I believe in you.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2018

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