My miserable life (at least a good part of it is)

Sorry for my poor english (I'm not a native speaker).

No friends, no lover, no human relationship, in short, don't be enough to be with my congeneric. Be alone = I'm not human anymore.

When everyone refuse to keep my company, how I can consider myself as a human being? It's not possible.

Certainly, from a biological point of view i'm human and then? I can touch my skin, I exist. I think so I am. Good, I affirm my existence… But it's only the “I” that say not others, not the reality.

Continually, I affirm my existence but I have no feedbacks. I don't exist for others, they don't recognize me as their equal : i'm not a human being.

However, I want to be a human being. At times, I want to shout at their faces “I exist”. In the worst case, I want to break their little world by splatting it with blood. Creazy idea, they did'nt ask for it.



Mundane, loneliness is heavy even if I fight againt.

From september 2016 to september 2017, I didn't speak to anyone apart from my family ( In fact, except one or two times triviality with acquaintance but nothing more). The worst, at that time, I began to become insane.

Since september, I restart university, I speak with only one classmate. And he's not very outgoing…

Nevertheless, I don't hate people. Speaking with someone who is a boring and ugly, it's the last that a person want. You will say I exaggerate, no ?

Ha! some people think i'm smart (i'm not) even if I failed my studies.

Regarding love… At 22, i've never kissed a girl. Even, since high schools, girls outnumber boys in my school time, no girl have been interested in me.

I'm ugly, short (1m68, 5'5), very skinny (55kg, 121') even if I did some “gym”. I look like a 12 years old girl. I've got acne (i'm under treatment). And I don't tell you about the thing under my belt.

I'm really repulsive so no need to try. People made fun of me in the street. Some tried to take a photo of me (don't take a picture using flash when you trying to be invisible), etc.



Despite all these things, I appreciate life (thanks Rousseau and Epicurus). Most of the time, i'm ok but these thoughts come back regularly.

I know I will be forveralone, never found love or even a girlfriend to settle. This thread is not useful but I had to write it.