Drunk Driver Analogy - or suddenly repulsed by porn

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Ollie_8, May 17, 2018.

  1. Ollie_8

    Ollie_8 Fapstronaut

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    So 44 days ago my SO discovered my porn addiction, along with other things, and we split up. It's been rocky since, and as of tonight she's cut all contact.

    Anyway, literally a day or two after she discovered it, during a period of intense trauma for both of us (lots of anger and upset) she understandably couldn't believe I'd be able to drop porn at the drop of a hat after it had taken me over for so long. I felt so strongly that I could, and that the massive shock of anyone finding out something so private, that I was so ashamed of and in so much denial about, had finally made me realise how repulsed I was by myself and who I was. My porn addiction and depression went hand in hand, but the thing that causes me the most shame was my selfishness in this and other aspects of our relationship. Finally having to confront the fact that I wasn't the good person I thought I was felt like being hit by a train, and the idea of ever watching porn again felt like suicide.

    I compared to it to a drunk driver - in the same way that I was completely horrified by my actions causing deep pain to the person I loved and cared most about, a drunk driver would never drive again if they ran over a bunch of kids. This doesn't necessarily imply they'd magically become a better or healthier person - they might spend the rest of their days in a spiral of drunken self-hatred, in the same way I might spend my life in a spiral of depression-hatred if I don't address my issues. But they'll never drive again.

    Anyway, 44 days later and I still feel exactly the same. The idea of doing the thing that I *know* was harming my attitudes towards women, towards sex, towards myself, and towards the person I loved is literally the last thing I'd ever want to do. I've felt tempted to fap a couple of times due to the sheer physical pressure of the reboot process, (as well as the usual loneliness and depression), but even that has been controllable, and I haven't felt tempted even once to go on porn.

    Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone else been "shocked" out of their need to watch porn by something traumatic or otherwise?

    I guess I'm slightly worried that a decade long problem vanishing at the drop of the hat is too good to be true. I'm going to stay very vigilant, obviously, and if things do get more difficult I'll use this site a lot more
     
    jest likes this.
  2. Bobbyf76

    Bobbyf76 Fapstronaut

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    i am in almost the exact same position. down to the 44 days and everything. the only difference is my wife and i still talk, and she is trying to help me through this, although we are separated currently and the possibility of us getting back together is rather small. about 3 percent is her words. i have had depression give me a few urges, but nothing i couldnt handle. i feel that it will definitely get harder, but i am repulsed by what ive done to the point im disgusted with myself, and porn as well. it hasnt vanished though, it will come back. maybe not very strong, and maybe not very often like myself, but the most important thing is to stay strong. depression can sneak in and can team up with your addict self to try and make you cave.
     
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  3. Ollie_8

    Ollie_8 Fapstronaut

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    How weirdly similar! But yeah, I'm by no means going to rest on my laurels and think I'm free. Just gotta expect and prepare for the worst
     

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