Lonely and unable to talk to attractive women.

TealKoala · May 18, 2018

Hitto said: ↑

If none of what he said applies than don’t take it personal you always take people’s advice with a grain of salt we are all trying to help each other on here no need to feel attacked it’s your choice to use this advice from others experiences and see if it is helpful to you
Click to expand...

I value your opinion but I wanted to point out that I found that post harmful, it was not motivating or supportive and left me feeling less motivated and more depressed than before I had read it. While we are all trying to help each other I think it is important to point out when someones advice is being counter productive and to me that was.

Deleted Account · May 18, 2018

What has helped me feel more comfortable talking to men I am attracted to (as a fellow social anxiety sufferer) is that I try to stop immediately thinking they are better than me. I remember that I am a valuable worthy person too. I found out when I was younger that looks on their own without any other qualities make for a terrible partner.

Once talking I assess if I like their personality. I've noticed a lot of very good looking men don't have the kind of personality I favour (warm, kind, wise, humble, gentle) so that tends to kill my attraction which helps me remember that just because someone is gorgeous physically, it doesn't mean they'd be the kind of partner I'd like.

I think it would help if you could divide people (both men and women) up into 'humans I am interested in and would like to get to know more' and 'humans I am not so keen on so will probably avoid.' You'll have a bunch of both men and women in the first group you could then chat to at your hobbies or wherever it is you meet them and see if there is a girl in particular you like both for her appearance but also for her personality. I think the focus on the gender difference is what causes the fear and awkwardness. Just an idea anyway, taken from what helps me.

TealKoala · May 18, 2018

Ceridwen said: ↑

What has helped me feel more comfortable talking to men I am attracted to (as a fellow social anxiety sufferer) is that I try to stop immediately thinking they are better than me. I remember that I am a valuable worthy person too. I found out when I was younger that looks on their own without any other qualities make for a terrible partner.

Once talking I assess if I like their personality. I've noticed a lot of very good looking men don't have the kind of personality I favour (warm, kind, wise, humble, gentle) so that tends to kill my attraction which helps me remember that just because someone is gorgeous physically, it doesn't mean they'd be the kind of partner I'd like.

I think it would help if you could divide people (both men and women) up into 'humans I am interested in and would like to get to know more' and 'humans I am not so keen on so will probably avoid.' You'll have a bunch of both men and women in the first group you could then chat to at your hobbies or wherever it is you meet them and see if there is a girl in particular you like both for her appearance but also for her personality. Just an idea anyway, taken from what helps me.
Click to expand...

Thanks this is helpful advice, I look forward to trying it.

Deleted Account · May 18, 2018

TealKoala said: ↑

Thanks this is helpful advice, I look forward to trying it.
Click to expand...

Remember to report back here how it goes! For some reason it is reminding me of Star Trek, where on the ships they had true equality and gender was irrelevant, if that is a helpful analogy (attractive women in the end are just humans like everyone else, they just happen to be in a pretty shell) ☺

elevate · May 18, 2018

TealKoala said: ↑

I'm not really sure what it is about this post that bothers me but after thinking about it for a few days I think I'm figuring it out. While you make a lot of good points and suggestions that are probably very valid you also make a lot of generic assumptions about me, my desires and the state of my life many of which aren't true. You are clearly a researched experienced person but I came in here for support and suggestions not for you to try to turn the little bit of information I gave into some kind of chronic problem effecting every aspect of my life. It's as if the mole hill that I'm dealing with, namely social anxiety talking to women, has been somehow transformed into a mountain with the implication that I don't or can't do anything in my life that isn't instant gratification/escapism. I find your assumptions rude, thoughtless and sort of depressing that someone in this community I was starting to respect from other posts could be so biased and preachy.

Another thing, I never once mention super powers, it's clearly an exaggerated concept and not really my style. Super powers are as you imply a form of instant gratification making the assumption that quitting porn will suddenly fix your life. I specifically stated that I hoped rebooting would help me change eventually. I have very little expectations from this reboot if I'm honest and I thought best case scenario perhaps some higher testosterone levels would help me to take a chance that I otherwise wouldn't of taken.

One more point of clarification, I never state that I wanted a girlfriend. The fact is I struggle talking to attractive women, I'm naturally introverted and rarely even get to hello. I don't want to date, or have sex with, or have any kind of alternative motives with the majority of these women, I just struggle to talk to them. I'm not sure I am fearing rejection because I don't even consider asking most of them out I just want to be able to converse with them intelligently and not trip over my own tongue. I am generally a very easy person to talk to and with male friends and older people I meet through work I have no difficulties socializing. I am not looking for a girlfriend to fix the holes in my life but rather trying to improve myself. I think that's what is frustrating me so much about your post. In most ways I have my shit together and am happy with my life and who I am as a person. But in this one area where I am not the person I wish I could be I am attempting to improve myself and I get posts like this shit assuming that I am just trying to get a quick fix to all my problems with a girlfriend.

You did make some good points and I want to be grateful for those and the clear effort you put in your response to my post but I can't help but feel you were diagnosing the general symptoms you see on these forums and kind of ignoring what I was actually asking.
Click to expand...

Well that's a shame.

Hope you find what you're looking for.

Good luck.

Deleted Account · May 18, 2018

elevate said: ↑

There's no super powers that will kick in. You're still conditioned by porn to seek easy, certain, and instant gratification. Which is a problem when you have to deal with the pain, problems, and negative experiences of life. You can't have the positive without learning to handle the negative.

The point of nofap is create room in your life for better things. To let go of escapism and do the scary, uncomfortable, and difficult things to develop your reality.

Confidence is something you work for. You need courage whenever you're challenging something you're uncomfortable and inexperienced with. Repeated courage allows you to develop competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence.

People who like to indulge in porn are usually people that like to escape reality's problems. When you neglect your reality, then you put a halt to the process of gaining competence and confidence in various areas of your life.

Sure. Working on yourself is always a good thing, but you can also start to challenge your fear of interacting with women right now. You'll never be ready and there will always be something to improve. A perfectionist always needs more research and preparation before actually going for what they want. You need to be failing and getting rejected in order to get better at something. All that research you've done is useless without experiencing it all yourself and finding your own way of doing things that work for you. You won't be able to grow and learn if you take each failure and rejection personally.

When will you feel or be ready? When will you feel like you're good enough and deserve great things and people in life?

Losing your virginity to an escort didn't work and neither will having a girlfriend. Seeking external things and people won't fix the experience that you have with yourself. "If I have this and that, then I'll be happy." Nope, you'll always need something else and something more to prove to yourself that you're good enough.

It's important to address why you NEED a relationship. Why you don't feel enough without someone else boosting your self worth. Why you fear interacting with women. Why a woman with attractive physical attributes causes you anxiety. Why you need external pre-requisites before you think you're worthy of great people and things in your life. Why you need to prove to yourself or to others.

Outcomes with the external are uncertain. Sometimes you'll get what you want and sometimes you won't. If your self worth depends on the external outcomes, then you'll always be reacting emotionally and chaotically to the whims of life's random events. The place that you want to get to is following your desires fully, but letting go of the outcome. The bad outcomes you don't take personally and you learn from them. The good outcomes are just natural consequences of the better person that you've become.

The place that your self worth should come from is doing things that make you proud. Solving problems that you enjoy and interests you. So instead of depending on the outcome with a woman, you get your self worth and build your confidence from the act of actually trying and taking a risk. The curiosity of seeing what will happen. The excitement of the tension and uncertainty. Fear (protecting yourself from negative experiences) is just excitement without breathing (thriving under chaos and uncertainty). Do this enough times and you'll gain more courage, competence, and confidence because you're doing the scary and difficult things that you know you should be doing to become the person that you want to be and have the life that you want. It's placing importance and value on better things than the random external outcomes. It's having confidence with where you are and all the things that you currently lack. It's having faith and enjoyment with the process rather than the end result.

All this knowledge isn't meant to make things easier for you. It's to make you understand that it's necessary to challenge the scary, difficult, and uncertain problems of life. Porn is what got in the way of that process by conditioning you to escape that process of developing your reality. The desire for super powers is a fantasy that people indulge in because they want easy, certain, and instant gratification out of fear and insecurity. They want the end result without going through the necessary process. They want the easy world of porn rather than going through the hardships of connecting with real people. They want to get rid of negative experiences via escapism instead of learning to handle the negative to get to the higher quality positive experiences.

So it's not really superpowers or a girlfriend that you're really after. It's being able to change the experience that you have with yourself. Everything else is just a bonus and a consequence of the person that you've become. Wanting a relationship isn't wrong, it's the place where it's coming from that's the problem (desperately needing a relationship to complete you or to prove something).

So if you find that you're still researching and preparing yourself before taking action..... you're still escaping the necessary process of learning how to handle the pain, problems, and negative experiences of life. You're still trapped under the conditioning of porn and other forms of instant gratification escapism.
Click to expand...

I really resonated with this. Thanks for the post, it’s exactly what I needed to be reminded of.

culion · May 18, 2018

What I regret when I was young was that I rejected girls because they were too fat or too skinny, which were very dumb decisions. Also it was because I'm shy too. If the attractive girl rejects you is ok, maybe you can try with the "less beautiful" girls. Who knows, maybe the sex with the girl with a few pounds can be great as the one with the attractive girl.
I have been consuming prostitution for a year now, and I think it has helped me with my shyness and anxiety. I don't think I have overcome social anxiety, I'm still awkward in social interactions, but I feel less nervous while talking to women. The first sexual experiences with prostitutes made me very nervous, I had performance issues, I still have sometimes, but this experiences I think have gave me more self confidence.
I haven't had free sex in my life, relationships are not my thing, not a romantic person. In my opinion, I think casual sex has two conditions: You can't have sex whenever you want, and you can't have sex with the girl that you want. Which has made me doubt about trying to have free sex. But if it happens I will accept even if the girl is not the hottest one.

Log in

Lonely and unable to talk to attractive women.

TealKoala Fapstronaut

Deleted Account Guest

TealKoala Fapstronaut

Deleted Account Guest

elevate Fapstronaut

Deleted Account Guest

culion Fapstronaut

Share This Page