How do you deal with the shame & guilt of hurting loved ones?

Six weeks, or 44 days since my SO found out, and after battling for this long she's cut all contact. I appreciate her for wanting to stay in touch for so long, and I fucked up numerous times in the six weeks by not being empathetic enough, being defensive, getting upset, not being there for her enough etc. For me the discovery was a massive, massive realisation that I've been in denial for years not just about the things I felt almost powerless to (the porn addiction, depression) but about the things I could and should have changed (selfishness, feeling entitled to sex in our relationship), and as a result I've spent a great deal of time actively working on myself through various things - nofap, therapy, lots of truth telling with family and friends, reading feminist books, books on misogyny-culture, Pornland etc, but I've not done enough to actually help *her* from her perspective. Granted, I was trying, but I didn't do enough.

So, it's over, and now I'm just left with the enormous shame and guilt of what I put her through. How have people here dealt with this? I guess in theory I could forgive myself for poor attitudes and bad behaviours if I'd been single, but I can't forgive myself for dragging her into my life

 

I'm here because she found out - I was in complete denial and couldn't confront my problems. But I was actively trying to recover for both myself and for her. Now she's cut contact I guess I'm just recovering for myself. And after a initial period of lies and trickle-truth I've been completely honest with her for about the last 30 days, but I think the damage had already been done because she now can't believe anything I say, even now that I have nothing left to hide. I'm not struggling with the addictive tendencies at all, (I genuinely feel repulsed by porn and the temptation has vanished for now), but I can't make her trust me again. I think she needs time and space alone. If that means never seeing me again, I'll be devastated but understand. Hoping that won't be the case but who knows. I'll keep working on improving myself with everything I have

 

Thanks for your detailed reply! Yeah I'm very aware I didn't start this journey the 'right' way, I'd give anything to have had this realisation before I met her so I could heal on my own, rather than hurting her or anyone else in the process. And you're right - trying to 'make' her trust me is wrong and I don't blame her in the slightest for not being able to.

 

Thank you. I have to say, the 'learning to be more empathetic' part is the thing that's scaring me most, it's mostly the self-loathing talking but I just keep worrying that I'm too self-centred. Do you have any advice, any books on the subject etc.? I guess I'm struggling because 'being an empathetic person' seems like something you shouldn't need to be taught, I feel dirty & ashamed admitting that I need to work on it.

 

Thank you! I'll check them out