This is my chance at a better life

I had my first sexual experience at the age of (5) five, and no, I wasn't abused. It was a game that a friend of mine who's older brothers had shown porn to came to play with me in secret. He would kiss me and we would touch our penises together and we would get erections and rub them in each others' buttocks. I liked it and it kind of confused my sexual orientation as I was sexualised by that experience and pursued more of the same with another friend before puberty.

At the age of (11) eleven - I would ride my bicycle a lot and then had my first M and ejaculation in the bath after one of my long rides. It felt really good and needless to say - I hit puberty fast. I pretty much was ashamed of it and it was my secret but I would M one or twice a week from the age of 12.

My parents sent me to boarding school at 12 and that was an extremely erotic experience for me - showers with fully grown guys and sexual older boys - it was highly erotic.

I was always attracted to girls at that stage too and afraid of ten stigma of same sex attraction. It was an evangelist Christian school that condemned M and made sex dirty and evil. I was an overachiever academically and my sexual desires were suppressed and only let out when I could get the privacy of a shower or toilet cubicle where I could furiously M and stimulate other parts of my body - playing out mostly shameful - same sex fantasies in my head. I remember M being highly satisfying and relieving but the tremendous guilt and shame afterwards was unreal too. In high school, almost anything would turn me on - especially Britney Spears music videos. I was confused that I was attracted to both sexes and didn't understand bisexuality till much later.

When I was 16 - got my first home computer and dial up Internet and of course my journey and exposure to P started there. It was a treasured pleasure for me to indulge my hypersexualised fantasies. I found gay porn more appealing because of its intensity and brazen outlook though straight porn was a feature that I sometimes indulged in.

I had my first girlfriend and broke up with her in high school and that was the end of that. We did nothing sexual together.

In college, porn became a part of my life and I would PMO daily sometime more. My sexual tastes got more brazen and extreme. I had another girlfriend that I would get the most severe erections when we held each other - but we never went beyond that. PMO was there to take care of me.

I had my first real sexual experience with a guy at the age of 27. It was a consistent spiral of me seeking different partners and experiences online and through apps after that - sometimes extremely satisfying.

When I turned 32 - I met a girl that I fell for and she did her best to seduce me. I was so attracted to her that definitely wanted to have sex with her - but she broke it off when I hesitated to take it to that level on ur first date.

Hurt and confused the next few years were a blur of extreme sex partner hunting on apps and a tremendous amount of PMO. Shame and addiction. A hidden life and impact on my career and life with terrible mood swings and weak constitution and health.

This year I turned 36 and PIED became a serious reality. I would M to ejaculate when I wasn't even erect. My first attempt at nofap lasted 10 days and I flatlined badly. I didn't join Reddit or this group - I just tested it from the outside and I saw beef it's by the 10th day - but I relapsed.

Now, I am really serious about sorting out my sexuality, sexual health and identity and I need this to work to change my life around and reclaim myself. I created this profile and account and I set my counter for the day that I started.

It's this time of the day that I used to dedicate to PMO. I'm using the same tablet, time and bed to write this (like a journal) - and share my story for the first time in my life.

I nearly lost my way today as my thoughts got more and more sexual. I didn't hit the P - no matter what and the urge passed. I'm seriously flatlining right now and that played a big role too.

I deserve a better life and all the things that come with it. I don't deserve the hell of compulsive PMO and the hell of PIED. 90 days hardmode is my goal.

 

Thank you so much for the support and advice. I really need it. I am extremely grateful, this isn't easy.

 

Thank you I'm looking at groups right now