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My husband broke me

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by IamGold, May 19, 2018.

  1. What are the obvious reasons? I've seen plenty of guys show up as newcomers at meetings recently evicted from their home. I've also seen (most of) them work really hard to get better and (most of those times) reunite with their families.

    Also, I think @TryingHard2Change was just listing examples of stern boundaries, not necessarily dictating the exact next course of action. I know he's not suggesting it as a way to try to control the husband's recovery or inflict punishment, I've read too many of his posts and he spells it out right there. The guy has to want it himself.

    But @IamGold has been:
     
  2. (continued)

    But @IamGold has been:

    1. lied to
    2. the recipient of projected self anger

    Telling her husband to beat it for a little while seems fair.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  3. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    Because it's extreme and unfair. When you marry somebody you split everything 50/50 and not one spouse has the right to just take everything for themselves and kick the other. Also, given the current situation, the chances that he might see that the situation is that bad so that his wife would do such a thing are small, he'd probably lash out and be angrier than before.
     
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    And 20 years of hidden PM'ing and the lying and cover-up ... isn't that extreme and unfair to my wife??

    And I totally disagree with your second point...given the current situation, I think something very stern and decisive is the ONLY thing that might shake the husband and wake him up. Something has to happen to him so he hits is rock bottom ans realizes that he is going to lose his wife if he doesn't shape up. His wife wants to live in a porn-free marriage and that is every bit her right to demand that. (along with 100% honesty).
     
  5. Wow. I'm just going to keep it short and sweet because I have a feeling that that post is going to get shredded...

    Unfair -> being lied to, breaking vows, cheating, projected anger, gaslighting, seeing his wife in pain and continuing to be dishonest despite that

    If a person were really worried their spouse would lash out in anger, they should call 1-800-799-SAFE and distance themselves immediately, they should not be afraid to have boundaries out of fear of retribution.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
    Jennica and hope4healing like this.
  6. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    I really love how people discovered NoFap yesterday and suddenly they are the champions of integrity and self-control. First of all, the whole thing about lying for years is subjective. It's subjective in the way that it was/is considered perfectly OK in today's society for men AND women in relationships or marriages to look at P and MO. Society is widely 'progressive' and this is the general mindset. I can go and ask every single one of my girl friends including married ones and they would say that they are OK with it because chances are they are doing it as well. If they actually talked about this during their relationship/marriage, it is a detail we don't know about (not the only one anyway). 'Objectifying' women and ogling over them are direct consequences of his addiction. How many of you were aware you were actually addicted to PMO? How many of you found out when you found NoFap and how many of you were doing it for 10+ years? Your judgement is based on a newly acquired mindset and his judgement when he was doing what he was doing was based on something that was/is considered widely normal: that if you PMO during your relationship or marriage you're doing nothing wrong. Trying to make him look like a complete villain is disingenuous.


    I wasn't actually suggesting that he would be physically violent, but that he would throw one hell of a fit that will set back (if there was) any progress and possibly kill any chance to ever have some. On that note, If you do not think of every single possible outcome when you approach a situation, even the ones you don't want to think about then you are not serious about trying to solve it and may actually cause more harm than good. How would you feel if OP went through with your advice and he would actually be violent? Things like this are common in recovering addicts.



    I cannot find where she said that there were 20 years. Years of lies are very bad, but not even uncommon (sadly) and definitely not extreme. Extreme is barely having any money, a child and one spouse deciding to spend money on extravagant and expensive objects (like a cue stick when you don't even play billiard). Extreme is getting drunk and the having a good ole' 'bar brawl' while you have a teenage son. I don't mean to treat dishonesty lightly, but even if it's bad (even years), you can still salvage your marriage. Also, from a strictly pragmatic (for lack of a better word) point of view you cannot kick somebody from a property they own 50% of because he lied to you. Even if you're married, even if it's been years. You have absolutely no right to. You can get a divorce, you can try to work it through or if you want to go further lengths you should leave. I stand by this 100%, if I were in that situation and my wife had done what OP claims her husband's done I would still stand by it. Two wrongs don't make a right.



    Also, because I already wasted enough time on this I might as well be speaking my mind on this matter. There are not nearly enough details in this post in order to actually giving competent advice on the matter. You don't know enough about OP, about OP's husband, about their marriage, their relationship before their marriage and so on. It's quite clear OP just wanted to vent and that's all. From what OP's detailed I don't see how this could be approached with a high success rate other than waiting and giving it more time and maybe you'll find a different angle to tackle it.
     
  7. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    While this might be the case -- it certainly isn't perfectly OK to hide porn use from your spouse; it isn't perfectly OK to lie to your spouse when confronted if you are using porn.

    Porn Kills Marriage. Maybe you don't agree with that .. but I sure hope you agree with hidden/secret porn all the while lying to your spouse saying you aren't consuming porn Kills Marriage.

    If you want to read more about the OP story..she has a couple posts - read away:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-book-of-life-chapter-5.173799/
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-husband-broke-me.173504/

    You are completely minimizing her pain. The whole idea that "if the porn consumer thinks it isn't wrong and it's 'widely accepted' ... then it really isn't a big deal". Total Bullshit. If the Porn Addict is lying to his wife over and over and over; denying his porn use; that is a HUGE problem...I don't care what you think our society thinks is acceptable and 'the norm'.

    ..

    I do agree with you that if both spouses know about each other's porn use -- then that is a totally different story. I am of the opinion that it is not healthy for a long-term marriage. But the issue is the lies and deceit and cover-up...and the litany of problems that excessive/hidden/secret porn use can and most likely will lead to. (not to mention the real emotional and psychological effect on the SO)

    As to the question of separating or not...that is 100% up to the SO. Sometimes it takes the SO to standup for himself/herself .. and make a statement, to get the PA's attention. There is nothing wrong with a separation, especially if its purpose is to restore the marriage!

    And your whole 50% argument is just silly. No one is talking about forcibly removing the PA. It's a conversation / it's an agreement that in order to save the marriage, the broken spouse needs some space to heal and to figure things out .. and the porn addicted space needs some space to get his priorities in order and really face his demons. Another alternative is to jump straight to divorce....but I don't recommend that--the experts recommend to wait one full year .. assuming there is no physical or sexual abuse or minors or anything dangerous like that .. waiting at least a year, to see if the addict can be reached / see if the addict takes his problem seriously / etc.
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    As a spouse... I'd llike to say, most of the SOs end up here because we noticed that the lies pile up, the sex stops, intimacy wanes and we go looking for answers to the anger the PA exhibits... We don't need to believe in the "addiction" beforehand. We just see something is wrong and want to help.
    ... Thats' how WE discover the NoFap community.
    Don't believe me, read our journals.
    But, it's cool.

    Signed,
    The SO who had porn boundaries
    And is now rebooting herself,
    -Kenzi
     
    Immature, Jennica and hope4healing like this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ha!
    Sorry... I actually laughed at this.
    .... So I wrote it down.
    I actually thought about popcorn reading this thread... Very comical.
    (At least for me :))
     
  10. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    I'm not minimizing her pain, but like I said if you live in a society where this is widely accepted you need to make it perfectly clear how you stand on this. We don't have the details. We don't know if OP did so or if she's always felt that way regarding PMO in a relationship. If I dated a girl and I found out that she was doing PMO, I would feel hurt, but I should've made it clear from the start. Chances are she wouldn't tell me because she'd think it's a regular thing and I don't think I would ever catch her doing it because people subconsciously know that it's shameful even if consciously they believe they are doing nothing wrong. It seems after he realised that what he's doing is wrong he confessed (again, don't actually have all the details, but I tend to believe it wasn't exactly right away, but it's hard to confess to something shameful).


    As for my 50% argument.. you did use the word 'kick out' so you didn't really give me much to work with. If you discuss with him and agree that he should be the one leaving, I see nothing wrong with that. It's much more different than just going one day and be like 'get the hell out'.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    That's a better explanation..
    So you are saying the rule is, the ground rule needs established ahead of time or it does not count?
     
  12. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    It needs to be crystal clear from the start where both spouses stand on this. If one spouse genuinely believes that he is doing nothing wrong and doesn't know how the other feels about what he's doing when the 'default' mentality is that PMO is not considered cheating or infidelity or something wrong to do while in a relationship or even during marriage, it's hard to put a blame on him. It won't keep the hurt away, sure, but it is what it is.
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ah, yes, no food and drink and NoFap.
    Right.
    There should be a warning.
    Hmmm...
    Maybe the new mod can do this :) lol
     
    Jennica likes this.
  14. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    You keep going back to this point .. but the OP is nowhere close to this--it (CORRECTION =>) WASN'T open and honest porn use. It was lies and cover-up. Do you believe that is wrong?

    STOP. MINIMIZING.
     
    Jennica, Numb and Kenzi like this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yes, because of all the porn everyone is watching these days, totally shows that relationship boundaries should be crystal clear and upfront in the relationship.

    Please.
    (that's ^^Sarcasm)

    If people spent as much time on relationships as they do on jerking off, relationships would be alot more fluid and happier ( healthier too)
    It's simply not so.
    In this case, the OP, or in most relationships, people don't have the basic skills, and when they do, fail to implement them because of distraction.
    See porn, and selfish and they don't care enough about the other person!
    People love the idea of love, not so much actually being in it, and sacrificing or giving up or sharing.

    And that's the Real problem.

    If you don't believe me... Please tell me about your most successful relationship.
     
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  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @IamGold @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has a boundary thread in her signature
     
  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    @dahnk, if you believe porn is okay, why are you on this page? are you in a relationship? if not, why are you in this forum? if so, what does your SO think of your PMO?

    For the record, I kicked my husband out for a short period of time after he refused to stop his PMOing. I didn't want to do it. I warned him it was going to happen if he didn't stop. He clearly didn't believe me. I bawled my eyes out when I did it. It was catalyst to get him to rethink what he was doing. It wasn't an overnight change...it's been a very long road, but it was a necessary step to send an important message that porn will not be tolerated in my home or around my children. It is us, or the porn. Period.
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I sent her a private message with resources and contacts and the SOs group person.
    She has a bunch of things now that this has been detailed. Anything else she can contact the several people I listed as help.
     
  19. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    Your first sentence makes no sense. I can only guess that English may not be your first language. I don't know why you choose to dance around the fact that from what OP's been posting we can't say for sure if her attitude towards PMO was 100% clear to her husband.

    My relationships or their successes or lack of are irrelevant to this conversation.
     
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My first sentence was sarcasm.

    And your relationships make up a huge basis on where you get your strong opinions.

    Don't pass judgment where you don't want others looking down at you.

    Maybe, a lesson you should learn.
     

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