SO Addicted to porn.Need help to decide next move.

Hi.
I have stopped watching porn long time ago.
But I need your help in deciding my next move...

It is my husband that i want him to stop.

He is addicted but thinks porn addiction is a unicorn.

I dont want a divorce.

I also don't want a porn addict sabotage my plan to raise up normal, healthy and thriving teenagers...free from porn's grasp.

I want to try to save him.. but you might say it is too late to save a grown up man.

I need your help...in deciding the right move.

Who's in?

 

As expected, very few people would open and read this.. seeing from the responses I get.

I'll just write...the least I can get out of this is sorting out my thoughts.
===
He has many error thinking such as:
(Based on the talks we had, I understand that he currently thinks:

1) there is no porn addiction.
2) PIED is simply due to after math of masturbation...not due to rewiring of the brain.

3) he puts PMO on the same level as sex because the end game is still ejaculation. The only difference is that sex in marriage is contained in a wall of morality.

4) porn usage is less serious than going to the brothel.

5) he doesn't care about the naked women he watched. I understand this view as I was addicted to porn once. I would watch rape scenes and it didnt really hit me if some scenes are real...and if they were real, I would still continue to watch for my own pleasure.

6) watching porn doesn't fuel sex trafficking. Maybe he still thinks that he doesn't contribute in financial term...

7) he thinks, i over reacting (crying and rejecting porn) due to low self-esteem, has no friends (due to the nature of my job: stay at home mom. I do make friends and socialize when I can btw, just not as frequent as he like), and also it is because I work at home.

He thinks if I have high self esteem, many friends and works at the office, I would care less about his porn usage.

=====
.
.
The one concept he has shown to being agreeable to:
1) porn trains the mind and body to fuck with anything but his aging spouse.

But you might say, yeah, the porn brain will overwrite and justify it's PMO...no problem.

2) it is wasted energy after PMO. Feels tired after PMO.


++++++
How to tackle this???...assuming time and energy is limited.
Do I fight this war against porn by focusing on:

A) combat error thoughts
B) move forward with what he has already agreed on, example, PMO depletes energy, hence motivation to Excell is depleted.

???

 

Recoome in fact he has one ession this Friday.

I could use the session to rant : oh, it's hurtful to me, I felt like running away blah blah blah...

Or the counseling session could be a piece of the chess game. I could use it to influence him towards being more open to research on porn addiction of nofap for example...

recoome,
He thinks I need fixing. He thinks I over react to his porn usage due to low self esteem, few friends and flexible working time at home.


Im leaning forward to using this counseling session as a piece of the chess game.

After all, he doesn't care that porn has hurt me many times.

 

I hope that too.

I know, this will not solve in a month or two... It might take me decades to influence him.

It would help me if you provide some thoughts on how to combat porn... I need feedback from time to time. Thanks, performerbf.

 

I am mostly calm in handling conflict now.. which is a good thing. But yesterday I just learned:

That I cannot confide in him about my fears... Because he might take it as an attack and become defensive...


I learn that this time, subtle and gentle persuasions is my way now. No use crying and arguing. No effect at all.

 

Yes. He is. That is his strong point, but also his weakness.

He is afraid that his parents know about him having marriage problem. He is afraid of divorce or even me running away for a month or so.

When I told him I would leave or tell his parents, he would do what I want (example: installing accountability app on his phone) , but then he becomes resentful an unfocused at work.

MH (my husband) said before, that I used this as a threat, as a trump-card. Which wasn't my intention at all. That's how he sees it. that's how he weakness can be used by me in this war against porn.


Currently he is on accountability app for almost two months. But we agreed to stop it at the end of June.

Right now we agreed to him watching anti porn videos.



Performerbf, im sorry your wife left you. I felt like running away many times after trust is broken many times, too.

But im happy for you to be in this community. It means your marriage has a chance, some hope too.

Maybe she will see your changes and might reconsider getting back with you. Good luck! I wish you the best.

 

I am not sure how or what action will make him stop...

Separation?

Let him go do whatever he wants?

Keep with the accountability app until end of June and ask him to watch anti porn videos before July start??